Actus
Scene One
(MEZZETIN, with a drum and a bottle in hand, SCARAMOUCHE as a soldier.)
MEZZETIN.
To the river, to the river, if you wish to quench your thirst.
SCARAMOUCHE.
You can try all you want, the bottle belongs to me, and I'll have it.
MEZZETIN.
It's only when I've had my drink.
SCARAMOUCHE (drawing his sword.)
By thunder, you're insulting me too much. Draw your sword, rascal.
MEZZETIN.
I'm willing. I've already noticed the spot where I want to strike you.
SCARAMOUCHE.
And if I catch you, with my finger, I'll lift you so high that you'll fear hunger more than the fall.
MEZZETIN.
We'll see, but things should be done properly; it's not fitting to leave this world without bidding farewell to what we love. Let's mutually bid farewell to the bottle.
SCARAMOUCHE.
Fine, I'll grant you that delay.
MEZZETIN (dresses the bottle in black and sings.)
Worthy offspring of the vine,
Bear witness to my jealous passion.
So as not to lose you, unmatched beauty,
I expose myself to the harshest blows.
Ah! my dear bottle,
Your charming glug-glug,
Night and day awakens me.
How sweet my fate would be,
If I lived for you!
BOTH TOGETHER.
How sweet my fate would be,
If I lived for you!
SCARAMOUCHE.
Well, are you ready now to let yourself be killed?
MEZZETIN.
Listen, could there be a way to settle this matter by each of us drinking half? Because I foresee a great misfortune; the winner will be hanged, and the dead won't drink.
SCARAMOUCHE.
Ah, coward, you're afraid!
MEZZETIN.
Not exactly, but I'm reasoning about the consequences. Oh, here comes Arlequin, do you want to establish him as the judge of our dispute?
SCARAMOUCHE.
I agree.
Scene Two
ARLEQUIN, MEZZETIN, SCARAMOUCHE
ARLEQUIN.
Hello, my friends. How's the joy going? Well, are you still thirsty? This is quite a spicy weather, isn't it?
MEZZETIN.
You've come at the right time, for you shall judge us.
ARLEQUIN.
Listen, you two might end up in the galleys if I get involved. But what is it about?
SCARAMOUCHE.
About judging a little dispute between us.
ARLEQUIN.
You've chosen the right time to have me judge you, as I'm sober. What is it about?
MEZZETIN.
About a bottle.
ARLEQUIN.
And who is the intervening party? The fish glue, perhaps?
SCARAMOUCHE.
No, it's a bottle we stole.
ARLEQUIN.
Oh, if that's all, there's nothing easier to decide. I'll drink it and you'll see me drink it.
MEZZETIN.
That's not what we mean.
ARLEQUIN.
But who will pay the judge's fee?
SCARAMOUCHE.
Listen, listen. I entered a tavern this morning, I saw the aforementioned bottle on the table: I signaled to Mezzetin to take it while I entertained the little girl.
ARLEQUIN.
Where are your witnesses?
MEZZETIN.
There was only the bottle.
ARLEQUIN.
Isn't there any other witness? Is it full at least?
(He takes the bottle and lifts it.)
SCARAMOUCHE.
Oh, I guarantee it's completely full.
ARLEQUIN.
Place me in a position to judge you; it's not proper for a judge to hold court standing up, how would he sleep?
MEZZETIN.
Here, sit on my drum.
ARLEQUIN (sitting down.)
Very well. Now, plead your case. Above all, no suppositions. Get to the point before beginning.
SCARAMOUCHE.
So, I was saying, sir...
ARLEQUIN.
Wait. I have a scruple. In legal matters, we say "teflis unus, teflis nullus," one witness is no witness. Do you have any others? Like a bread crust, a piece of cheese?
MEZZETIN.
Here's a two-penny loaf of bread, which I had saved to have with my wine.
SCARAMOUCHE.
And here's a sausage that I had taken for the same purpose.
ARLEQUIN (taking the bread and sausage.)
Oh, your case is proceeding quite well. Here are two witnesses who could harm the first.
MEZZETIN.
We went out together this morning...
ARLEQUIN.
Wait, turn around a bit, so I can question the witnesses.
(He eats and drinks.)
These arguments aren't bad. Proceed.
MEZZETIN.
We saw the bottle on the table, and at that moment, sir...
SCARAMOUCHE.
You're lying, I'm the one who saw it.
ARLEQUIN.
No insults, you're acting like lawyers. The case is doubtful, let's gather the witnesses.
(He drinks and eats.)
They're speaking truth, not a single detail forgotten. I believe you'll both win your case.
Seeing that there's no more wine in the bottle.
I'll make the judgment, the witnesses have nothing more to say. Peace, silence.
I'm not one of those judges,
Whom a coquette dictates their verdicts in their chamber.
As a sensible judge, I eat and drink at the expense
Of your burlesque trial.
The bar of others' foolishness is a carnival.
My response in two words will justify me.
To settle the matter between you, this is my decree:
Take the glass, and take the wicker.
Farewell, until we meet again, the bottle was good.
MEZZETIN.
And I receive its price, I've earned it well.
(Calling back Arlequin as he leaves.)
Sir, sir, my witnesses have been corrupted, let me talk to them.
ARLEQUIN.
Come back in two hours, I'll show you completely corrupted witnesses.
(He leaves.)
(Mezzetin and Scaramouche say they need to think about Master André's burial. They discuss marrying Scaramouche to his widow and Arlequin to Colombine, his daughter. Scaramouche tells Mezzetin that he's having trouble finding a girl for him to marry. Mezzetin says that being friends, there would be enough of those two women for all three. They leave after this scene, which is done capriciously.)
Scene Three
MARINETTE, PIERROT
(The stage represents a room with the tapestry removed, and various items piled on a table.)
MARINETTE (crying.)
Ah, ah, ah, I can't take it anymore!
PIERROT.
Don't shout so loudly, you're deafening the poor dead man.
MARINETTE.
Can I control my sorrow? Poor man! We were so well-matched! He never said yes to what I asked, and I always said no to what he wanted me to do. Ah, Pierrot! I told him he'd drink himself to death.
PIERROT.
Well, well: drink himself to death; you're joking. Drinking like that all the time, wasn't that living on a diet?
MARINETTE.
Losing a husband in the prime of my life! Because I'm only thirty, you know.
PIERROT.
Oh, without swearing, that's true. I've heard you say it more than ten years ago.
MARINETTE.
I won't have the pleasure of putting him to bed like I used to, when he came home drunk and covered in mud. For that, he wasn't inconvenient when he was drunk.
PIERROT.
He was the most discreet burper in the world.
MARINETTE.
But, my poor Pierrot, did you take care of our little affairs?
PIERROT.
I've already put away all the silverware and some of the linen. I'm efficient in matters of this importance. You need to make sure your daughter doesn't go and tell anyone, she's such a restless little creature.
MARINETTE.
You're right, Pierrot. But if we consulted a notary, I believe with the guidance he would give us, he'd remove all doubt.
PIERROT.
Fine: I'm almost a notary myself, as I have a hard and unfaithful heart. You need to put aside three-quarters of the deceased's assets, and the best things in your possession, your wedding jewels, that's enough to leave your eldest daughter the cork, the house is already well-stocked.
MARINETTE.
I'll follow your advice, Pierrot, because you're clever.
PIERROT.
You can tell you don't yet know what it's like to be a widow.
MARINETTE.
Yes, I've made up my mind, I'll cunningly divert everything that's best.
PIERROT.
That'll be a great relief for the guardian you'll choose later at your whim. But what does your daughter Colombine want from us?
MARINETTE.
Alas: can't she let us grieve in peace?
Scene Four
COLOMBINE, MARINETTE, PIERROT
COLOMBINE (very scared.)
Ah, mother, mother!
MARINETTE.
What's wrong, my daughter?
COLOMBINE.
Ah, mother! I think my father's moving. Come and see.
PIERROT.
Oh, I guarantee he's dead: he left wine in his glass.
MARINETTE.
Alas, could it be true? Poor man! Pierrot, what do you think?
PIERROT.
Well, you don't catch people like that! Since he made the face of dying, he should finish it gracefully.
COLOMBINE (to Marinette.)
Wouldn't you go and check if I'm mistaken? I'd wager my father's not dead.
PIERROT (to Marinette.)
Hey, well, let's satisfy your daughter, let's see if the dead man is alive.
MARINETTE.
Let's go then.
(Pierrot and Marinette leave.)
COLOMBINE (alone.)
Unhappy me, where is my recourse? I have no one on my side, they're stealing from me, plundering me, they're all conspiring to ruin me. Yes, in my desperation, if I found an honest man willing to take me away, I would gladly follow him. But what do I see? It's Arlequin, my poor father's best friend. My sorrow awakens at the sight of him.
Scene Five
ARLEQUIN, COLOMBINE
ARLEQUIN (dressed as a Roman, aside.)
I've dressed as a hero, to console my mistress with more energy.
COLOMBINE.
Sir, my father is dead, I saw him this morning
Falling in his death throes over a glass of wine:
That wine that he himself filled the barrels with,
That wine that many times quenched his thirst:
That wine which still fumes with anger today,
At being poured for others but not for him;
That in the middle of the meal, a disrespectful hand
Wouldn't dare to spill on the plate;
That wine, I say, the object of his tender desires,
Has now become the witness of his final breaths.
Excuse my sorrowful tale,
My tears and sighs will tell you the rest better.
ARLEQUIN.
My dear, would you have said so?
COLOMBINE.
Arlequin, could you believe
That he died, poor man, as soon as he drank?
Heaven didn't want him to live any longer.
If the poor man had not taken this journey,
After having chosen a husband for me,
I would find my woes less bitter and more sweet.
ARLEQUIN.
In that, the good man failed, I admit.
But what can you do: fortune plays with our desires.
It's more touching when you're two,
Each lends a hand to console the other better.
COLOMBINE.
No, don't talk to me about it, being a girl at my age,
Amidst so much pain, is a sad inheritance.
This year, I swear to you, hasn't been generous with suitors.
ARLEQUIN.
It's a somewhat rare commodity, and besides,
You know all too well that in this age of stone,
Out of ten girls you see, nine are on the market.
They yield in advance to the allure of a lover.
The girl is like a metal that easily allies:
And when instead of grain, we make it second
And man has specially replenished the world,
Not one, despite the scarcity of bread,
With such reinforcements, died of hunger.
COLOMBINE.
Ah, sir, let's leave aside all these unfortunate things.
For me, I have reasons that are much more distressing.
I'm losing a father, alas! who loved me dearly.
But my mother is now robbing me with impunity.
Joined with Pierrot, who's worth nothing,
They want to reduce me to sleeping on straw.
ARLEQUIN.
On straw? Unless my eyes deceive me,
You surely deserve a mattress.
In short, without hesitation, without any fuss,
Allow me to dispatch Hymen for you.
From your fiery eyes, my burnt chest
Has been half scorched by a Greek fire for you.
It's settled, those rascals mock me,
Your lips would put the finest quince paste to shame.
COLOMBINE.
What do I hear? My father has barely closed his eyes,
And you propose that we unite?
I feel at every moment that he's still thirsty.
I believe I see him armed with that fatal glass,
Whose treacherous wine, betraying his thirst and hope,
Spilled on the tablecloth, dictated my duty.
Can I, in my sorrow, subject the love you offer
To the bonds of marriage that you engage me in?
You pierce my heart and gild the knife.
ARLEQUIN.
Go, I become your lover, not your executioner;
Take two days, if you wish, to dry your tears.
COLOMBINE.
In that case, vengeance alone has charms for me.
And to make my mother furious in this state,
I'll marry you, as long as it's done discreetly.
ARLEQUIN.
The condition is touching, and well considered,
Deserves between us to be slightly digested.
Alone in my study, I'll consult it.
Farewell, for a moment we must part.
COLOMBINE.
After such rough and tragic treatment,
Hope for revenge is all I have left.
Scene Six
MARINETTE, ARLEQUIN
MARINETTE (alone.)
I've almost sorted out all my affairs. But here's someone. Let's cry.
(She cries.)
ARLEQUIN (in his attire.)
Ah, madam, how joyful it makes me to see you cry! That handkerchief suits you well, and you would perform a noble and rare act by hanging yourself with regret, after the loss you've just experienced.
MARINETTE.
Indeed, sir, I've lost an honest man.
ARLEQUIN.
He was the jewel among husbands, and having married you, it can be said that he was a pearl in the midst of dung, a diamond set in lead.
MARINETTE.
Your praise warms my heart in my affliction!
ARLEQUIN.
Knowing that a widow is a mixture of sorrow, which, consumed by the fire of melancholy, turns into mush...
MARINETTE.
Your expressions are so touching!
ARLEQUIN.
Likewise, a young girl is a matchstick, which ignites at both ends when not married.
MARINETTE.
Well, sir, what do you mean by that?
ARLEQUIN.
I mean, madam, that I offer you a way to marry your daughter Colombine.
MARINETTE.
What, do you have the audacity to talk about marriage in a house filled with mourning?
ARLEQUIN.
Believe me, don't miss this opportunity. Girls don't sell well in the time when we women become rarer than ever, and I know many women who would consider themselves fortunate to be received as a bid.
MARINETTE, angrily.
You're insolent to ask for my daughter's hand when I'm still unmarried.
ARLEQUIN.
Poor woman!
MARINETTE.
You're a scatterbrain and a fool.
ARLEQUIN.
Agreed.
MARINETTE (crying.)
If my poor husband knew this, rascal!
ARLEQUIN.
Please don't tell him, I'd rather marry you.
MARINETTE (softening.)
You've really angered me.
ARLEQUIN.
I apologize. I'd rather marry the mother than the daughter. But tell me, did your husband not leave you any money, any income from the town hall? Any little bit of begging like that!
MARINETTE.
I'll have the will brought to you, and you'll see if a woman like me isn't worth cash.
(To Colombine.)
Little girl, bring me that paper.
ARLEQUIN.
Oh, in that case, I'll console you merrily.
Scene Seven
COLOMBINE, MARINETTE, PIERROT, ARLEQUIN, SCARAMOUCHE
COLOMBINE.
Here, mother, here's the paper you asked for, do you want me to read it?
MARINETTE.
No, give it to the gentleman.
SCARAMOUCHE.
What's that?
ARLEQUIN.
The will of poor Master André.
SCARAMOUCHE.
Give it to me, I'll read it.
ARLEQUIN.
It would be an enigmatic will, for if you read it, you wouldn't understand it.
PIERROT.
I could read it, but Master André wasn't very good at spelling.
MARINETTE.
Oh, sir, please take the trouble to read it to us.
ARLEQUIN (reads.)
Will made in favor of the male, female, and neuter heirs of Master André, their putative, substantive, and adjectival father.
First. I leave this house to whoever it belongs.
PIERROT.
He was the most generous man in the world, he didn't own anything.
ARLEQUIN (reads.)
For the funeral,
Instead of a splendid tomb,
I want only a simple barrel
Which makes a reasonable cask for my joke.
MARINETTE.
He wasn't vain, he always avoided expenses.
PIERROT.
Oh, he's been working on his grave for a long time, he was getting over twenty bottles of wine from it every day.
ARLEQUIN (reads.)
Without the help of any bailiff,
I want my will to be valid.
Since my stomach has always been like a cask,
I leave it to my cooper.
PIERROT.
Oh, he was a good husband, there was nothing to lose with him.
ARLEQUIN reads.
My wife wasn't a vestal...
MARINETTE.
What are you going to read there?
ARLEQUIN.
These are his final wishes.
MARINETTE.
They're just nonsense.
COLOMBINE.
Oh, father always loved me dearly and knew what I needed.
ARLEQUIN (to Marinette.)
But, madam, among all these bequests, I wouldn't find enough mustard for sausages.
MARINETTE.
See the rest, sir.
ARLEQUIN.
That will be for another time, let's proceed to the funeral.
Scene Eight
(The back of the stage opens. All the actors of the comedy enter. Master André appears lying on his tomb, holding a bottle in one hand and a half-full glass in the other. A barrel forms the base of the mausoleum, composed of all the kitchen and tavern utensils. Mourners walk two by two, namely two trumpets, a guitar, and a violin. Arlequin in mourning attire on a donkey, beating two timpani drums. Master André's wife, his daughter, two little boys, two little girls, and all the tavern boys in mourning. They all pass by the mausoleum and line up on both sides of the stage. The violins play a fitting tune, and one of the tavern boys steps forward, singing the following lyrics.)
Fate has closed forever
This gourmand's throat of good fare,
And from whom Bacchus drew all his glory.
To mourn this wondrous drinker worthily,
My friends, will you believe me?
Let's drink, let's drink with all our might,
Until wine pours out of our eyes:
These will be tears worthy of memory.
CHORUS.
Master André, it's to you
That we all drink.
THE TAVERN BOY.
Diogenes can be preferred to Master André,
One as a wise philosopher,
In a barrel, ended his fate,
The other as a drinker, wished after death
To be made of the same stuff.
CHORUS.
Master André, it's to you
That we all drink.
(While the violins play, Master André wakes up.)
MASTER ANDRÉ (singing.)
To drink, to drink, to drink.
ARLEQUIN sings.
I'll answer your impatience:
Mournful shades, cease your murmuring.
MARINETTE.
Ah, my dear husband, are you not dead then?
THE CHILDREN.
Ah, my dear papa, my dear papa, my dear papa!
(MAÎTRE ANDRÉ, after getting down from the barrel, sings the following lyrics, and all the actors, each holding a bottle and a glass, perform all the poses indicated by the song.)
Up, down, let's wake him,
Let's all run to the buffet,
In one hand, take the bottle,
And in the other, a clean glass.
Raise your elbow, you'll see,
Hold the wine to your nose,
Admire the vermilion color.
Toast, clink,
Bless the god of the vine.
Open your mouth, gulp it down.
Ruby on the nail, inhale the throat.
Pour into your goblets,
And prepare a new path for the wine,
Through a sweet concert of feasting.
Deep within our bellies,
As in the true center,
Let this pleasant juice flow.
How sweet it is to wage war
With the bottle and the glass!
The victors, like the vanquished,
Have equally fallen to the ground.
How sweet it is to wage war
With the bottle and the glass.
ARLEQUIN (to the audience, singing.)
How sweet it is to make you laugh,
When you bring something to fry.
Your money, all in the finest form,
Goes to fill our coffers,
How sweet it is to make you laugh,
When you bring something to fry.
End.
