Act 4
SCENE ONE
Bragatto dressed as a beggar, Agnesina.
BRA. Oh man, it's now or never. Bragatto, you gotta step up and win over your girl. Don't chicken out. Knock on that door and show some courage. Knock, knock, knock.
AGN. Who's there?
BRA. Just a poor man, ma'am. Could you spare a piece of bread for the love of God?
AGN. Wait here. [Retreats.]
BRA. Thank you so much, may God bless you and grant you all your desires.
AGN. [Gives bread.] Take it.
BRA. Appreciate it, ma'am. Can I trouble you for a cup of water to quench my thirst?
AGN. Come inside. [Leads him in, back turned to him.]
BRA. I'm coming, ma’am. [Bragatto winks and smiles and makes celebratory gestures at audience as he goes in.]
SCENE TWO
Pantalone alone.
PAN. Where in the blazes has that Bragatto disappeared to? He said he would wait for me, but skedaddled the moment I was done with my luncheon. Well, I've been waiting for him all this time, but if he ever intended to grace us with his presence, which I highly doubt, he has likely abandoned the notion altogether. Well, it is the case that we did not eat at home, either of us, as we both lunched at the abode of one of my acquaintances. Perhaps he went back to the house, and my wife sent him out again on some erroneous errand? Before I go home, I’ll go to the piazza to see if I can find him — and if I find him, I shall deliver a scathing reprimand for this outrageous act of abandonment.
SCENE THREE
Agnesina, Bragatto, and Lavinia. [Agnesina’s lipstick is smeared all over Bragatto’s mouth and hers. Agnesina pushes Bragatto to the door.]
AGN. Oh God, Bragatto my darling, flee! Flee! The mistress saw us! We’re in a heap of trouble. Hurry! Go!
BRA. Don't worry, Nesina. Just deny everything and act like you didn't recognize me. I'll disappear in the meantime. [Exit Bragatto.]
LAV. Agnesina?
AGN. Yes, ma’am?
LAV. A word with you.
AGN. What about, ma’am?
LAV. Are you still trying to deceive me? You dare to bring this lazy fellow into my house, embarrassing me in front of the whole world with his laziness? Do you think I don't know that it's Bragatto who came here disguised like this? Are you still defending him?
AGN. Let me tell you, my dearest madam, how it happened. It's not my fault at all. He came to our door to ask for alms, and I thought he was a beggar. So I got him some bread, and he asked for water as well. He came in, and I breaded him and wetted him, and if he put his hands on me at all, it’s only because he was begging for alms like this. [Demonstrates.] But I told him to be quiet, because if you found out, you'd be ashamed of the whole world. And I, who honor honor on her honor, shut him up.
LAV. You shut him up? Ah, traitor! Wait until the master gets home, meanwhile I’ll give you a scolding to remember. Let's go inside.
AGN. [To audience.] Oh, that Bragatto! Had I known it was someone I knew, I’d have never let him in, what with the company I keep.
SCENE FOUR
Camillo, Giovan Farina.
CAM. Giovan Farina, I, the wretched and hapless soul that I am, declare myself the most ill-fated man to tread this earth. Signora Lavinia, in her relentless cruelty, inflicts upon me immeasurable torment, and yet, I am helpless in the face of my unwavering love for her. Oh, how I yearn for your aid, if only you could extend your hand to guide me through this labyrinth of anguish and despair. [Swoons. Giovan Farina rushes to aid him.]
G.FA. Well, let me tell you, boss-bro. When I went to talk to her on your behalf, she straight up insulted me and threatened me with a stick, and her housemaid too.
CAM. I know very well how things stand, but do not halt your quest for another means to resolution, so that I shall no longer live in such torment.
G.FA. Boss, what if I give you some solid advice?
CAM. What advice do you have for me?
G.FA. Forget about that stuck-up lady, stop thinking about her. Find someone else, someone who's actually worth your time, 'cause this one's like trying to break through a goddamn boulder.
CAM. Giovan Farina, your words ring true, and I am aware of the folly that lies in my unyielding love. Yet, despite this knowledge, I find myself incapable of extricating my heart from the clutches of affection. Alas, we, the pitiful and tormented lovers, are but lost souls, burdened with a greater weight than that of innocent children who lack the discernment to comprehend the ways of the world and unwittingly engage in foolish actions and utterances.
G.FA. Dude, forget about her. She ain't worth lovin’.
CAM. I shouldn't think about her? I shouldn't love her? Oh, Lavinia, my very soul, I could never fathom such a notion. It is an unalterable truth that I shall forever love you. You, with your mere presence, have ignited a fervent fire within the depths of my being. Oh, wretched and hapless creature that I am! I bear the heavy burden of being the most wretched and luckless youth to have ever drawn breath upon this earth. Oh, unjust and deceitful fortune, how I lament your cruel machinations! How much grievance I hold against you! You refuse to release me from the clutches of this bitter passion that consumes my every breath. In this desperate hour, I beseech you, Giovan Farina, to come to my aid. If only you could witness the turmoil that ravages my innermost being, surely compassion would seize your heart, and you would extend your hand to ease my suffering. [Swoons again, and again Giovan Farina hurries to right him.]
G.FA. Bross-bro, to please you and do what you want, I'll go to Signora Slovenia's place. Tonight, I'll try to find a way into her bedroom. And if she says, "Mr. Camillo, come in," I'll be her loyal servant and do whatever she wants. But if she shuts me down, I won't push it.
CAM. I implore you, Giovan Farina, to cease these jokes and find a way for me to escape from this bitter torment that haunts every moment of my being. [Swoons again. Giovan Farina tries to haul him by his feet.]
G.FA. Alright, boss, I hear you loud and clear. I'll see if I can find another way to approach her and make her feel like shit about herself.
CAM. Oh, yes, my dear Giovan Farina, I implore you, do not falter in your commitment to assist me. In return, I pledge to bestow upon you a future reward that shall surely elicit your utmost admiration.
G.FA. What are you gonna give me, your shoes? They busted or somethin’?
CAM. No more words, please.
G.FA. [Releasing Camillo with contempt.] Fine, I'll head home then. Give the fuckin’ headaches to me!
SCENE FIVE
Bragatto with a bag, Agnesina, G. Farina with a deck of tarot cards in hand, Pantalone.
BRA. Oh, damn! I'm fucking exhausted! I've been running around like crazy, and now I finally found my boss in the piazza. He wants me to take this package home for dinner, and I better do it quick 'cause if the missus catches me, I'm screwed. Look, there's Nesina! What the fuck is she doing here?
AGN. Oh, Bragatto! [Throwing herself at him.] Woe is us! Woe is we! Madam wants to ruin us. She’s going to tell everything to the boss.
BRA. Quiet, girl. Don't worry. We might catch a lucky break. Just go back home and don't hang around here. If they catch you, they'll blame me for it, and we're already in deep shit. Now go, and remember me, Bragatto, once in a while.
AGN. Unfortunately I will remember you, whether I want to or not. Well, I’ll go home now.
BRA. Go home, sweetheart. [She exits.] Fuck, I'm such an idiot. I should've given her the damn bag so she could take it home. If I forget again, that damn fool will tear me apart. Oh, who the fuck is this, coming here and playing cards?
G.FA. Maybe I stumbled onto some good company to play cards with.
BRA. Holy shit, it's Mr. Camillo's dumbass lackey! Zan Farina, what the fuck are you doing here?
G.FA. Yo, Bragatto, that you? ‘Cause I’m not. Chill, man. I'm out here 'cause my boss Mr. Camillo keeps bossin’ me around, like he’s my damn boss or somethin’, and I’m just so sick of all his shit. He’s beat my ass before, and I ain't lookin' for a repeat. So, I’m just hiding out here till he calms the fuck down. How 'bout we play cards in the meantime?
BRA. Play how? We ain't got no money, man. How the fuck we gonna play?
G.FA. Play with whatever's in the bag.
BRA. That bag's the boss's dinner meat, you dumbass. But fuck it, I'll play anyway. Let's sit our asses down here on the street. Now, which game you wanna play?
G.FA. Gilet.
BRA. Nah, nah, I wanna play where the loser gives up quick.
G.FA. Fine, let's do it.
BRA. Let's start and see what we got.
G.FA. You go first.
BRA. What are we bettin'?
G.FA. That's the question, man. What you wanna bet?
BRA. I'll play the game with the bag and everything inside it. But hurry the fuck up.
G.FA. [Throws a card.] Ace of Coins, it's mine. Or are you bein’ a sneaky bastard and you swiped the bag and everything, and now you tryna hide it from me?
BRA. [Gives up the bag.] Call again.
G.FA. What am I callin', man, when there ain't shit left to play?
BRA. [Giving his jerkin.] I’ll play with the jerkin, for fuck’s sake.
G.FA. [Throws a card.] Ace again, motherfucker. This time, you'll go home in your fuckin' undershirt. Hand that over.
BRA. Fine, bro, whatever.
G.FA. Toss in your pants, we'll call it even. That means you'll only be butt-naked if you lose, and then you can still bet your underwear, yo.
BRA. Fuckin’ hell, man. I already lost my jerkin and the bag. You wanna take my hat? Call it.
G.FA. [Throws card.] Ace. It’s mine.
BRA. Aw, fuck naw! You’re not cheating me again, gimme back my shit.
G.FA. Yo, I ain’t givin’ you nothin’. The hat’s mine, I’m takin’ it.
BRA. Oh, you lyin' sack of shit, watch me break your skull to pieces!
G.FA. Motherfucker, I'll bust your freaking snout, man!
BRA. I'm sayin' I want my shit back. You wanna take my bet, I’m betting my fists! [Hits him.]
G.FA. Ah! Fuck, you bastard! I'm gonna stab you with this knife! [Draws his wooden blade and chases Bragatto.]
PAN. Who's there? What's this commotion going on? What are you two doing here? Bragatto! Why are you in your underwear and without your clothes? I sent you home an hour ago, and you haven't left yet.
BRA. Lemme tell ya, I bumped into this guy, and when he saw me, he fuckin' robbed me of the bag and my clothes. Now he wants my hat, but I ain't lettin' him take it. We're ready to throw down.
G.FA. He challenged me to a card game.
PAN. Were you cavorting with cards, Bragatto? You imbecile!
BRA. Yo, I didn't wanna play, but he kept talkin’ smack and said he'd win it all, and that if I lost, he'd take everything from me.
PAN. Well, you’ve certainly managed to create quite the quagmire, haven't you? Oh, I wish that scoundrel had absconded with your wretched shirt as well, so you would walk naked in the street. Now, Zan Farina, give him back his things and get out of here.
G.FA. I ain't givin' it back. I earned it.
PAN. Give it to him, and I'll give you a twenty for it. Take it for my sake.
G.FA. Give me forty, then, if you want me to leave. Otherwise, I ain't budgin'.
PAN. Come on, for the love of God. [Pantalone gives him coins, and G. Farina returns Bragatto’s clothes.] Now go, away, before someone witnesses this humiliation.
G.FA. [Leaving, waving his coins and the bag.] Grab this now, Bragatto, and go to the tavern to eat. [Exit.]
PAN. Bragatto, you are to march down to the shop with your own money and go buy us the most expensive seasoning you can find to prepare our dinner, understand?
BRA. I'll remember that as a valuable lesson — with my ass!
PAN. Come! I'll accompany you, damn you, the blasted beasts of your kind.