Act 1
SCENE ONE
Agnesina alone, holding a glass bottle.
AGN. Holy moly, the bosses mustn’t complain about the servants if we talk badly about them, ‘cause they give us plenty of bad to talk. They think it’s just peachy sending us to and fro, all day long and even at night, whether the sky’s dropping wind or rain or something worse. I can’t stand it; my mistress sends me out of the house and into another and into another. She has me schlepping wood, fetching water. She constantly orders me around, and I never have a moment of rest. And woe to any of us who wants company, especially yours truly. Even now, I have to go to God knows where, to fetch a pitcher of water just to wash the sweat off my face. And when it gets late, I gotta worry that some mischief might befall me for walking alone at such an hour of the night. I don’t want to make the same mistake my friend made; she injured herself walking so late, and when she saw the doctor’s bill she died of fright. Well then, I better go; if my mistress were to catch me here in the street, it won’t be the thugs I should worry about.
SCENE TWO
Camillo, a young man in love; Giovan Farina, his servant.
CAM. Giovan Farina, dear friend, long have I held you in high esteem, deeming you a paragon of loyalty and trustworthiness. It is with a heavy heart that I now beseech you, burdened as I am by an incessant worry that plagues my very being, robbing me of respite both day and night. This affliction, like a relentless specter, ensnares my every thought and leaves me bereft of peace. Oh, how I long to unburden my soul, to confide in you, and find solace in your steadfast companionship. Pray, lend me your ear and share the weight of my restless heart.
G.FA. Spill your guts, boss, an’ I swear on my life I'll keep my lips locked tight as a vault.
CAM. Long ago in the annals of time, my heart succumbed to an all-consuming passion for the enchanting Signora Lavinia, who is wedded to the esteemed Messer Pantalone de i Grandi. However, I have never had the opportunity to speak to her and lay bare the depths of my adoration. Tormented and adrift, I find myself at a crossroads, uncertain of the course I should embark upon. It is in this moment of desperation that I implore you, dear friend, to aid me in this endeavor. Let your resourcefulness and ingenuity pave the way for me to pursue this love that burns within my very soul. I promise you, beyond the obligation you have to me, a generous reward.
G.FA. You sure 'bout this, boss?
CAM. One is not called a pimp when he does not do it for payment, like you, and besides, you are my servant. So, you need not feel any shame.
G.FA. Alright then, my man. You can count on me, no worries. I'll hook you up with somethin' that'll bring a smile to your face, and mine too.
CAM. Oh, dear Giovan Farina, I beseech you with all the fervor within my anguished soul, do not let me down in this moment of utmost desperation. If you don't help me, I believe my days will be short-lived.
G.FA. Chill, man. I got this, I'm tellin' you. Now go hit the piazza and do your thing. When you come back, your wishes will be granted, and we'll be sittin' pretty.
CAM. Delay not, for my heart can ill afford the weight of further anticipation. Go forth, dear friend, and may the winds of fate be at your back as you embark on this critical mission.
G.FA. I'm on it, boss.
CAM. With urgency in your stride, fulfill this quest, and bring me tidings that shall either kindle the fires of hope or extinguish them altogether. [Exit G. Farina.] Should Giovan Farina fulfill his pledged assistance in this endeavor of love, I shall deem myself the most fortunate and blissful soul to have ever walked this earth. Yet, should he fail to honor his commitment, I am all too certain that the curtains shall swiftly fall upon my fleeting mortal coil. However, in this very moment, a figure approaches. Could it be none other than Signora Lavinia's husband, Messer Pantalone himself? I must hastily withdraw, ensuring that my presence remains concealed from his watchful gaze. It would be unwise to invite his suspicion or ignite the fires of jealousy that may lay dormant within his heart. Thus, I retreat, with heavy steps, into the shadows, longing for a day when destiny may smile upon my star-crossed love, granting us the freedom to bask in its radiant light.
SCENE THREE
Pantalone and Bragatto, his servant.
PAN. A pox upon this creature and all those who are responsible for putting me in this godforsaken matrimonial snare! This so-called woman is nothing short of an infernal demon. She perpetually pesters me, her incessant whining echoing through the halls without a moment's respite. I don't know what devil possesses her throat, but may it burst along with all the others. Curses upon anyone who suffers the torment of a wife's company! I know her nefarious plan. She wants me to go to Legnago, and if I do go, by blood, I won't utter an ugly word. I won't live under her oppressive yoke forever. Whenever I come home and greet her with a "Good day" or "Good evening," she hisses back like a ferocious feline, always saying “What? What?" I hope she chokes, along with the infernal harlot who made her.
Bragatto enters the scene singing. [Tune: Will Said to His Mammy]
BRA. O there to have a wife, a wife, a wife…
PAN. What devilry is this now? This must be a planned assisination! [Weak Old Man Lazzo.] Oh — thank God, it's just Bragatto, my dear Bragatto. What brings you here?
BRA. Hey, boss of all bosses, no doubt about it. We’re cool, yo. What's goin' on with you? What’s wrong?
PAN. Quiet, dear Bragatto. You’re not singing anymore. No, the problem is that I’m so troubled over my wife that I don't know what to do.
BRA. What's the deal?
PAN. I am at my wit's end, dear Bragatto!
BRA. Ain't she good company?
PAN. Company! She demands things from me as if I were her servant – and even then she’s never satisfied. Oh, the incessant grumbling that emanates from the gullet of this creature! But fear not, for I, in my infinite wisdom, have resolved to administer a thorough thrashing upon her the next time she misbehaves. [Rubs hands and cackles evilly.]
BRA. Fuck, man, if you kill her, you're just making yourself more damn problems.
PAN. Well, what do you suggest, then? Shall I tarry in this eternal torment? Tell me.
BRA. Let's go inside, and I'll talk to her. Maybe I can calm her crazy ass down.
PAN. Oh, very well. I have my doubts that you’ll mitigate the matter, but I suppose we can always return to the other idea if need be.
SCENE FOUR
Agnesina alone with a bottle of water in her hand.
AGN. No more going out and running errands, no, from now on I’m staying home and running errands! I never thought I would make it back from that one. Why, I was so scared out there, among those men. As soon as they saw me, they started saying things like, "Ooh, how beautiful she is!" or "What nice looking clothes, I wonder what they’ll fetch on the black market!" Oh, to the depths of the seventh circle of heck with those blabbermouths who can't keep their traps shut. It's a plight, my friend, a plight! Us poor women can't take a stroll down the street without everyone and their second cousin wanting to put in their two soldi. Well, it's better to stick with what you know – I’ve been out for ages getting this water, and I suspect my mistress will have a few more unwelcome things to say to me once I’m home.
SCENE FIVE
Giovan Farina alone.
G.FA. Well, Zan Farina, the boss wants you to talk to Signora Slovenia. But here's the thing – I don't know what the hell to do 'cause I never met her, I don't even know who the hell she is, or where she lives. And if I don't talk to her, my boss's gonna chew me out. He won't even give me a damn meal tonight, hell, he'll probably just serve up a good beatdown. So, yeah, I should head home and rack my brains for a plan. I'll figure somethin' out, right?