Act 1
A dining hall in Lelio’s villa.
Prologue spoken by Columbina, while Francesquina holds a tambourine (or a string of jingle bells) and makes musical “enhancements” to the narration:
Columbina tells how a beautiful woman from Naples named Lelia went on a trip up north for (something silly), and on her return across the Alps ran into a terrible snowstorm. Fortunately a mountain estate inhabited by a wealthy young man named Lelio was nearby. Lelio welcomed her to shelter in his home until the snowstorm passed, but days turned to weeks and they remained snowed in. Soon, Lelio and Lelia fell in love. They decided to marry, and were wed in an improvised ceremony at the villa, despite that there was no way to announce their union to the outside world. Although the couple are very happy together, such a marriage witnessed only by servants and which has not been communicated to anyone outside the villa, can still easily be annulled or disputed. Columbina declares uncertainty that Lelio’s mother, Magnifica, will approve of the union when she learns of it.
Scene 1: Lelio, Lelia.
Lelio and Lelia come out together, embracing and speaking lovingly, commenting how they’ve never been happier. Lelia forgets what Lelio’s name is. Their first Christmas together is soon approaching and Lelia is looking forward to it; but Lelio reveals he doesn’t usually enjoy Christmas due to unpleasant relatives he’s always been obliged to spend holidays with (lists their ridiculous behavior he witnesses/is subjected to), though he’s sure they won’t come this year because of the dangerous weather. Lelia is determined to make their first Christmas a happy experience.
Scene 2: Dottore.
Dottore recounts how he is a music professor, and has been serving as a musician and the Master of Ceremonies at Lelio’s villa. Lelio used to be a sad, gloomy youth before he met Lelia, and he was content to sit around all day listening to sad songs, especially the Dottore’s specialty of (the worst genre you can think of, with optional demonstration.) But now, all Lelio wants is cheerful, romantic tunes so he can dance to them with Lelia. It’s not Dottore’s specialty, and he knows that once the snow clears and the roads are crossable, he’ll be dismissed in favor of a more upbeat musician. But he has a plan.
Scene 3: Dottore, Scaramuccia.
Dottore calls Scaramuccia, his assistant who performs terrible orchestral jobs. Scaramuccia asks if Dottore needs spit valves emptied, Dottore says no. Scaramuccia proposes increasingly horrible music-related tasks he presumes he’s being called upon to perform. At last Dottore declares he wants help sabotaging Lelio and Lelia’s marriage. In return, once he is again able to compose music for Lelio, he will write a song/dance (whatever suits the actor) for Scaramuccia to perform for everyone. Scaramuccia has dreamed of stardom and eagerly agrees. Dottore reasons that since Lelia fell in love so quickly with Lelio, she is easily seduced, and he assigns Scaramuccia to win her heart. Scaramuccia questions if Lelio will allow him to continue in the villa if he has stolen away his wife, but Dottore assures that Scaramuccia doesn’t need to keep Lelia, but only damage her reputation with Lelio.
Scene 4: Lelia, Columbina, Francesquina.
Lelia and the servettas emerge with Christmas decorations and begin setting up. Columbina disputes some decorative choice made by Francesquina, which provokes the latter to tell a misremembered, hilarious version of The Miller, the Son and the Ass. Lelia sends the servettas for more supplies and remains behind decorating when they go.
Scene 5: Lelia, Scaramuccia.
Scaramuccia enters, trying to be suave but always making a fool of himself. He begins to praise Lelia in ridiculously insulting and long-winded ways. Lelia is patient but demands to know what he wants. Scaramuccia begins to declare his love in equally long-winded and insulting fashions. Lelia thanks him for his compliments but reminds him she’s married. Scaramuccia tries to boast ridiculous/untrue reasons why he’s better than (“what’s his name?”) Lelio, which only begin to make Lelia mad.
Scene 6: Columbina, Francesquina, Lelia, Scaramuccia.
Columbina and Francesquina return with more decorations and hear the conversation between Scaramuccia and Lelia. They insult Scaramuccia and chase him off. The women speculate about why Scaramuccia would behave so strangely toward his mistress (really wants a lump of coal this year, needs help with something men allegedly can’t do themselves, and other ludicrous and hilarious suggestions). Lelia dismisses it as cabin fever from being snowed in for so long, and she leaves to find Lelio.
Scene 7: Columbina and Francesquina.
Columbina and Francesquina resolve to take revenge on Scaramuccia for insulting their mistress and master with his behavior.