Act 4
Scene I.
Enter Aurelia, Zerbinetta, and Plautino.
Plaut.
Yes, it was the desire of your Lovers, that you shou'd be acquainted; besides our design requires it.
Aur.
I find nothing in their desires, but what is very agreeable; and 'tis not without a great deal of joy that I receive so fair an acquaintance: Nothing shall be wanting in me to perfect a friendship, that shall render us dear to each other.
Zerb.
To me the Proposition is most pleasing. But, Signior Negotiator, pray give us an account by what stratagem you drew the Money from the covetous old Fathers of our Lovers?
Aur.
Yes, and how your wits are employ'd for a supply. Signior Octavio had the hard fortune to be Arrested just then.
Zerb.
Do, I love roguery at my heart;—and you shall find by my countenance, that you don't tell it to one insensible of ingenuity.
Plaut.
O! here comes Signior Octavio in hast; we have no leisure now.
Enter Octavio.
Oct.
The enemy's at hand.
Plaut.
We'l leave you the Field to deal with him I have instructed; Madam Aurelia, come; whilst they play their Game, I'l entertain you with the relation of what you have a desire to hear; which, I'm sure, will be diversion enough for so short a time.
Ex. Plaut. and Zerb.
Enter Spittzaferro.
Spitt.
This Philosopher was very impertinent and talkative:—I'l now consult.—Ha!—who's this discoursing with Aurelia?
Oct.
How, Fair Aurelia! do you speak this in earnest?
Aur.
In very good earnest.
Oct.
Will you Marry, then?
Aur.
Yes.
Oct.
And to morrow?
Aur.
Yes, to morrow.
Oct.
And can you (Fair, cruel One) abandon me and my vows; and forget all the obliging protestations you have made to me?
Aur.
I marry, one not for Love, but Money, a thing which I want, and you have not; and you know well enough how the World goes with them that want Money, that must be had whatever it cost. And I take this opportunity to set my heart at ease; my Husband is a man that can't live very long, I warrant you I shall be a Rich Widow in a year or two, and then I shal be able to make you amends for the injury.
Oct.
Is this the Gentleman?
Aur.
Yes, this is the Gentleman that is to be my Husband?
Oct.
Signior, I wish you much joy of your Marriage, and dedicate my noblest Services to you; I assure you, you wed a Lady of great Beauty, and eminent Perfections: And to you also, Madam, I wish all happiness imaginable; you have made an excellent Choice; He has the mein of a worthy Person, and the looks of one in all things adapted for a good Husband. Signior, I desire your friendship, we'l keep a good correspondence, we'l visit, and see one another daily.
Aur.
You do us both so great an honour, we shall always be glad of your good company.
Oct.
And I shall be extreme glad to see you and your noble Bridegroom at Court, where I have interest, and can be able to serve you.
Aur.
I will be often there when I am Married.
Oct.
Madam, your Creature and Slave. And Signior, your Vassal and Humble Servant.
Exit.
Aur.
Signior Spittzaferro, this young Gentleman is a Courtier, he will do you any service there for my sake: But we'l talk more on't another time. I'm still busy about my affairs. Your Servant, Signior.—To morrow,—to morrow.
Ex.
Spitt.
To morrow, to morrow; the sound has something in't that is doleful; my mind gives no good prognosticks of this Marriage; I'l hear the opinion of Signior Scaramouch. Hola! Signior Scaramouch?
Knocks.
Enter Scaramouch.
Scar.
What is your pleasure with me, Signior Spittzaferro?
Spitt.
Signior Scaramouch, I want your advice in a small concern, and I am come on purpose to be resolv'd in my doubts:—O! this is well; here's one will hearken to a man.
Scar.
Signior Spittzaferro; pray alter your positive manner of speaking. Our Philosophy teaches us not to speak any decisive Proposition, but to discourse of every thing with uncertainty, to suspend always one judgment. And for this reason you ought not to say, I am come, but—I think I am come;—or,—it seems to me I am come.
Spitt.
Seems to me, or, I think?
Scar.
Yes.
Spitt.
Seems to me, it may well seem to me, that I am come, when I am here.
Scar.
That is no good consequence; for that may seem, or appear to a man, which in reality is not.
Spitt.
Why, am not I come hither when I am here?
Scar.
That's uncertain, we can be sure of nothing, and therefore ought to doubt of every thing.
Spitt.
What, am not I here, and are not you talking to me?
Scar.
It seems to me that you are here, and I think that I am talking to you; but yet I am not certain that it is so.
Spitt.
Euh! what a Devil, don't I know't, and don't you know't well enough, that it not only seems so, or appears so, but that it is certainly so?
Scar.
Nego, nego, we are sure of nothing; and to convince you that we can have no certain knowledg, let me tell you,—there is nothing in the intellect but what was first in the senses, and by them conveyd to the understanding. Now, our senses being fallible, the knowledg which depend upon them, cannot be infallible, and so not certain: Ergo, Signior, you don't know for certain that you are here.
Spitt.
Pray don't stand upon these niceties, but let us talk of our business. I come to acquaint you that I have thoughts of Marrying.
Scar.
That's more than I know.
Spitt.
I tell you, I have.
Scar.
It may be you do.
Spitt.
The Gentlewoman is very pretty, and very young.
Scar.
Very likely.
Spitt.
Will it be discreetly done of me to Marry, or not?
Scar.
It may, and it may not.
Spitt.
Eh! what canting is this! I ask you, Signior, if I shall do well to marry the Lady I speak of?
Scar.
As it happens.
Spitt.
Will it be ill done of me?
Scar.
Peradventure I, peradventure no.
Spitt.
For Heaven-sake, Signior, answer me as you shou'd.
Scar.
'Tis my endeavour.
Spitt.
I have a very great kindness for the Gentlewoman.
Scar.
That may be.
Spitt.
Her Father and I are agreed.
Scar.
Perhaps you may.
Spitt.
But I am only affraid, that if I marry, I shall be a Cuckold.
Scar.
'Tis not impossible.
Spitt.
What think you?
Scar.
Not unlikely.
Spitt.
Shall I, think you?
Scar.
Such things have been.
Spitt.
What wou'd you do, were you in my place?
Scar.
I can't tell.
Spitt.
What wou'd you advise me to?
Scar.
What you think best.
Spitt.
But what do you think best?
Scar.
What pleases you.
Spitt.
Peu! a Pox!—and is that all?
Scar.
I'l have no hand in't. Let it be as 'twill.
Spitt.
Euh! the Devil! I'l make you change your note, with a Pox to you, you Philosophical Blockhead.
Beats Scaramouch.
Scar.
Ah! ah! ah!
Spitt.
I am quit with you for your canting, and I'm satisfi'd.
Scar.
Whence this insolence! how dare you have the audacity to strike a Philosopher!
Spitt.
O, pray correct this manner of speaking; you ought to doubt of every thing; you ought not to say I did strike you, but that you think I did strike you; or it seem'd, or appear'd so.
Scar.
I'l complain to Justice.
Spitt.
I'l have no hand in't.
Scar.
I'l have satisfaction for the injury.
Spitt.
Peradventure I, peradventure no.
Scar.
I have the marks of your blows on my flesh to shew.
Spitt.
That may be.
Scar.
You have made me all o're black and blue.
Spitt.
Not unlikely.
Scar.
Justice will award me good damage.
Spitt.
That's more than I know.
Scar.
It shall be a dear striking.
Spitt.
Let it be as 'twill.
Scar.
You shall hear of me.
Spitt.
Such things have been; Adieu.
Exit.
Enter Pancrace.
Panc.
Signior Scaramouch, the business is done, a Divorce agreed on, the Parties consenting, my Son disengag'd; and now we may proceed to our designs.
Scar.
But I see not Octavio yet: What a murrain made him go a fishing?
Enter Harlequin.
Harl.
O, poor wretch! O, unfortunate! ah! ah! Poveretto!
Scar.
Who's here?
Harl.
Servitore! Signior Reverendissime, Signior Scientissime, Signior Excellentissime, Signior Illustrissime.
Panc.
What's your business?
Harl.
Signior, I was an unfortunate Inhabitant of Ligorn, had many losses at Sea; all my effects were seiz'd on by my Creditors; I fled away with this little, to secure something for a future subsistence.
Panc.
You wou'd sell it?
Harl.
Signiorsi; I fled hither for refuge, my Creditors have notice of it, and are come after me to lay me in Prison. I wou'd turn it into Money, and go presently a Shipboard, and try my fortune at Sea.
Panc.
What, will you take an ounce?
Harl.
Half a Ducat.
Scar.
Half a Ducat?
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
Half a Ducat?
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
Ap—pouh! here's a Fool.
Aside.
Panc.
How many ounces is there in all?
Harl.
Eight hundred.
Panc.
And you'l sell't for 800 Ducats and a half.
Harl.
Signior si.
Panc.
He's an Ignorant.
Scar.
Ap—pouh! a Sot.
Aside.
This is my house, I'l go in and weigh't.
Ex.
Harl.
Ap,—ap,—ap,—a.
Panc.
He's going to weigh't.
Harl.
Oh! Servitore!
Panc.
What is your name, Signior?
Harl.
Trivoline, Merchant of Ligorn.
Panc.
Did you buy all this Plate your self?
Harl.
Signior, no; it was my Father's, old Signior Trivoline's.
Panc.
I'l buy it of you for your Father's sake.
Harl.
For the sake of old Signior Trivoline, that was Merchant of Ligorn?
Panc.
For the sake of old Signior Trivoline, Merchant of Ligorn.
Harl.
I thank you, Signior Pancrace.
Panc.
Hau!
Harl.
What's the matter, Signior Pancrace?
Panc.
Hau! how did you know my name?
Harl.
O Diavolo! because you were my Father's Friend.
Panc.
You never saw me before.
Harl.
Signior, no; but I have often heard my Father, old Signior Trivoline, Merchant of Ligorn, say, that he had but one friend in the World, and that was one, Signior Doctore Pancrace.
Panc.
What does he mean? I never heard of any—Signior Trivoline.—
Aside.
But I'l buy the Plate, and out of the gains re-imburse my self of the Sum I paid for the Divorce. I'l step into the House, and fetch you the Money.
Ex.
Harl.
He! he! he! Oh! here comes Signior Scaramouch.
Enter Scaramouch, with the Plate and Money.
Scar.
It weighs so much: Heaven sends me this good fortune for redeeming my Son.—Here, take your Money.
Harl.
How much?
Scar.
Four hundred Ducats.
Harl.
Signior, no.
Scar.
No?
Harl.
Signior, no.
Scar.
How much then?
Harl.
Eight hundred Ducats and a half.
Scar.
Signior si, here's 400 whole Ducats.
Harl.
Signior, no; I'l have 800 half Ducats
Scar.
Ap—pouch!
Harl.
Causa Signior?
Enter Pancrace with Money.
Scar.
Bono! here's 800 half Ducats for you.
Panc.
Signior Trivoline, here.
Draws him aside, offering Money.
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
Here.
Draws him aside.
Harl.
Signior si.
Panc.
Here.
Agen.
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
Here.
Agen.
Harl.
Signior si.
Panc.
I knew old Signior Trivoline; he was my good Friend.
Agen.
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
Take your Money.
Agen.
Panc.
Eh! Signior Scaramouch.
Agen more eagerly.
Scar.
Eh! Signior Pancace.
Agen.
Panc.
I have bought it, Signior Scaramouch.
Agen.
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
I have bought it, Signior Pancrace.
Agen
Harl.
Signior si.
Panc.
You have sold it to me.
Agen.
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
No, to me.
Agen.
Harl.
Signior si.
Panc.
How's that?
Harl.
You'l give me 800 half Ducats?
To Panc.
Panc.
Signior si.
Harl.
And you'l give me 800 half Ducats?
To Scar.
Scar.
Signior si.
Harl.
It's a bargain.
Scar.
Here's 800 half Ducats in Gold.
Harl.
Signior si, for your part?
Scar.
For the Plate.
Harl.
Signior, no.
Scar.
What then?
Harl.
You'l not give 800 more?
Scar.
Signior, no.
Harl.
Not for Signior Pancrace?
Scar.
Signior, no.
Harl.
Nor won't you give eight hundred more, Signior Pancrace.
Harl. goes towards the door, and turns his face.
Panc.
Signior, no.
Harl.
How wou'd you both buy it then?
Panc.
Ah! go to the Devil!
Harl.
Servitore!
Goes farther.
Panc.
Signior Scaramouch, he's a Fool; I'l buy it all as for my self, and you shall be one half in the purchase.
Scar.
Signior si.
Harl.
Signior Pancrace, you won't give 800 more?
Turns.
Panc.
No, no.
Harl.
Ah! Bono; you'l not give it for the sake of old Signior Trivoline?
Goes neerer the door, and turns.
Panc.
No.
Harl.
Ah! Adieu;—you'l not give it?
Goes to the door, and turns.
Panc.
No.
Harl.
You'l give no more?
Stands sidelong, one half out of the door.
Panc.
No, no, no, Signior, no.
Harl.
Nor you?
To Scaramouch.
Scar.
Signior, no.
Harl.
Basta, Signior Pancrace, give me your Money then.
Panc.
There 'tis in Gold.
Harl.
Eight hundred Ducats and a half, just?
Panc.
Signior si.
Harl.
For the sake of old Signior Trivoline.
Panc.
Signior si.
Harl.
Servitore! Signior Pancrace, Adieu.
Scar.
Ap-pouh! a Fool.
Panc.
Ah! so, Signior Scaramouch; now let's see our good bargain.
Scar.
Signior si, ap pouh!
Panc.
Then we'l go in, and divide it equally by weight.
Scar.
Si, ap pouh!
Panc. takes the Sack by the end to tumble the Plate out, and nothing but Earthen-ware appears; Scar. takes up a piece, makes faces, and let's it fall.
Panc.
Oh! Signior Scaramouch, what's here?
Scar.
Signior?
Panc.
Oh! Signior Scaramouch; O! Maleditto; O! Diavolo.
Ex. in a rage.
Scar.
Oh! que cosa—cou—&c.
Ex. gabbring Italian.
Enter Spittzaserro.
Spitt.
Eh! What was the meaning of this Blockheadly Philosopher, I cou'd not get a positive word from him.—Oh!—here are
Enter Aurelia, Zerbinetta, like Gypsies, singing and dancing.
some Gypsies, I'l see what they’l say to the business; they'r very merry: Heark you there, can you tell my Fortune?
Zerb.
Yes, yes; my fine Sir; here are two can tell you your Fortune.
Aur.
Come, cross our hands with a piece of Silver, we will tell you something shall be for your good.
Spitt.
Look you;—here are both hands cross'd.
Zerb.
You have a very good Phisiogmony, my fine Sir; a very good Phisiogmony.
Aur.
Yes, a lucky Phisiogmony; the Phisiogmony of one that shall be something one of these days.
Zerb.
You shall be marri'd e're long, my fine Sir; you shall be marri'd e're long.
Aur.
You shall marry a fine Wife, a fine Wife.
Zerb.
Yes, a Wife that every body shall love, and make much of.
Aur.
A Wise that shall get you a great many friends, my fine Sir; that shall get you a great many friends.
Zerb.
A Wife that shall make you known and noted at Court.
Aur.
A Wife that shall bring a great many Gallants to your House.
Zerb.
A Wife, for whose sake you shall be visited every day.
Aur.
A Wife that shall get you a great Reputation.
Zerb.
You shall be esteem'd for her sake, my fine Sir; you shall be esteem'd for her sake.
Spitt.
Oh! very good: But, pray tell me, shall I be in danger to be made a Cuckold?
Zerb.
A Cuckold?
Spitt.
Yes.
Aur.
A Cuckold?
Spitt.
Yes, shall I be in danger to be made a Cuckold?
Zerb. Aur.
—La! la! la! la!—
Both sing and dance, and Ex.
Spitt.
Why the Devil don't you answer me? I wou'd know if I shall be a Cuckold.
Zerb.
You a Cuckold?
Spitt.
Yes, I ask if I shall be a Cuckold?
Zerb. Aur.
—La! la! la! la!—
Both sing and dance, and Ex.
Enter Plautino.
Plaut.
Signior Spittzaferro, what comfort do they give you?
Spitt.
A pox o'the Carrions, they'l have left me unresolv'd too.
Plaut.
I have heard of a Cunning-man hard by, that is famous for his Art of Astrology and Magick; who, by representations, can shew you what-ever you have a mind to see.
Spitt.
Signior Plautino, let's go find him out, for I'm resolv'd to know my doom.
Exeunt.
Enter Scaramouch and Harl. with a great Sack, which he places betwixt the Scenes.
Harl.
Oh! I have trac'd this right; now for my revenge.
Scar.
Harlequin, where's Octavio?
Harl.
Your Money was very acceptable; Mr. Pyrat presents his Humble Service to you.
Scar.
But where's Octavio?
Harl.
Oh! he's safe, but you are not.
Scar.
Eh! why? what?
Harl.
There are people hunting all about for you, to kill you.
Scar.
Me?
Harl.
Signior si.
Scar.
Ah! Who?
Harl.
The Gentlewomans Brother that Signior Cynthio has marri'd, believes that the design which you have to make a Match between him and your Daughter, is the main reason why the breaking off of the Marriage is so much endeavour'd; and he's resolv'd to kill you, to be reveng'd. All his acquaintance of Indigent Officers and Bravoes are enquiring after you, to be the death of you; at least half a score have enquir'd of me for you already.
Scar.
To kill me?
Harl.
They swore they'd be the death of you; but I told 'em you did not care for that.
Scar.
Not care.
Harl.
No; for, said I, Signior Scaramouch is a Philosopher, and is not afraid of death. He cares no more for his Body, than I do for my old Shooes.
Scar.
No.
Harl.
You may bruise his flesh, and break his bones; but you cannot reach his mind: A Philosopher's mind is invulnerable. Did not I say right, Scaramouch?
Scar.
O, Harlequin! what must I do, Harlequin?
Harl.
Oh! Signior Scaramouch; to see a Philosopher! Fear puts me in a fright too, I cannot hold a joint still: stay, I'l look about.
Looks out, and starts.
Oh! O!
Scar.
Oh! Harlequin! Harlequin!
Harl.
No, no, 'twas nothing.
Scar.
Canst think of no way to help me?
Harl.
Signior, no; heark,—let me look agen:—What's here,—a Sack? Ah! Signior Scaramouch, Fortune is your friend: Put your self into this, and I'l—ha—
Scar.
Oh! a!
Harl.
No,—there's no-body; so put your self in, and I'l take you upon my back like a burden, and carry you home.
Scar.
Si, si.
Harl.
Hast, hast; I hear somebody come.
Scar. goes into the Sack.
Scar.
So,—so, Harlequin.
Harl.
Keep close, stir not, what-ever happens.
Scar.
No, Harlequin, no.
Harl.
Hide, hide, Signior Scaramouch; yonder comes one, keep close.
Harl. Acts a Bravo.
Feign'd.
Dam this Signior Scaramouch, this Musty Philosopher; if I find him, I'l cut his throat.
—Signior Scaramouch is not one that desires to have his throat cut; he's a very civil Person, a Scholar, and a Philosopher.
F.
A Philosopher! a Fool, a Dog, a Rogue, a Rascal, a Son of a Whore.
—He's a worthy Philosopher.—Keep close.
F.
Is he a friend of yours?
—Signior si.
F.
I am glad I have met with a Friend of his, by whom I may present my most profound Respects to him; which I will do in this most hearty manner.
Runs crying round the Sack, and beats him.
—Hold, hold, hold.
F.
I'l dodg you Sirrah; do you dodg? I shall meet with you.
—Ah! ah! ah! Hold, hold, hold; ah! ah!
F.
My service to him, my love and service. Adieu, my good Friend, to Signior Scaramouch.
—Oh! Signior Scaramouch!
Opens the Sack.
Scar.
I can endure no longer.
Harl.
O! I am bruised. I am beaten.
Scar.
How's that? I was beaten.
Harl.
Signior, no.
Scar.
Signior si.
Harl.
O yes, yes, Signior; as I ran round the Sack to save my self, the blows sometimes light upon you.
Scar.
You shou'd a run somewhere else.
Harl.
I'l look and see if the Coast be clear.—Oh! have a care,—have a care; I see one with a great pair of Whiskers, and a Cap lin'd with Fur.—Close,—close.
He acts a Dutchman.
F.
Gooden morgen Lans-man, gooden morgen; were sal ick vind'n, Myn-heir, vander Scaramouch.
—Vander Scaramouch?
F.
Yaw, Myn-heir, yaw, yaw.
—Yaw, Myn-heir, yaw, yaw.
F.
Were sal ick vind'n hem
—Find him.
F.
Ken uwe no Duytch spreken? wil ghy neit spreken?
—Spreken,—spreken,—spreken.—
F.
Ghy Sacraments a Hounts-foot, ick sal uwe lustick slagen.
—Ah! ah! ah!
F.
Ten hundred Duysant Devils,—mock uwe zeil Haulen Hountsfoot.
—Ah! ah! ah!
F.
Ghy Sacraments a—ick sal vind'n Myn-heir vander Scaramouch;—ick sal hem slagen,—Ghy Sacraments, a—Oh! the Devil wander him, and slopen him; and ten hundred thousand Devils go with him.
Harl.
O, my ribs!
Scar.
O, my shoulders!
Harl.
O! Signior Scaramouch, I was not neer you.
Scar.
I felt every blow as perfectly as before.
Harl.
Signior, no.
Scar.
Signior si.
Harl.
You did but hear 'em.
Scar.
I felt 'em.
Harl.
Signior, no, fear made you think so.
Scar.
I feel 'em still.
Harl.
Signior si, by sympathy, sympathy.
Scar.
Sympathy; O, Diavolo! sympathy!
Harl.
O, Signior; here are some roaring Boys come singing along, and every one a Bottle o' Wine ins hand. Lye still till they are pass'd.
He acts three men, in speaking and singing in three several Voices.
1.
Well, now let's go find out Scaramouch.
2.
And drink and sing all the way.
3.
Let's sing 'tother catch, and make an end of our Bottle first.
1.
I'l begin.
Chi non beve, vita breve, gaudera.
sings a Treble.
I'l bon Vino, che' divino, viver fa.
Confusion to Signior Scaramouch.—So.
2.
Chi non beve, &c.
sings a Tenor.
Confusion to Scaramouch.
3.
Chi non beve, &c.
a Base.
1.
Come, here's one shall drink and sing too.
Eh! Signior; I am in hast.
as Harlequin.
2.
Sing, sirrah.
I can't sing.
as Harl.
3.
Sing after me.—Chi non beve.
Chi non beve.
as Harl,
1.
Fie, fie; sing after me, and observe how I beat time upon the Sack.—Chi non beve.
Chi non beve.
as Harl.
2.
Agen,—agen;—Chi non beve, &c. Chi non beve.
as Harl.
3.
He's a Blockhead, let's leave him, and go find out Scaramouch.
2.
Let's take this Rogue with us to shew us the way.
3.
Ay, ay;—let's take him with us.
I do'nt know him.
as Harl.
1.
You lye, you dog!—along, shew us the way.
Signior, no; I have business.
as Harl.
2.
You won't go then?
No.
as Harl.
3.
Let's beat him till he will.
Sear. peeps out of the Sack.
1.
Knock his brains out.
2.
Lay him on soundly.
1.
Aye, soundly.
as all 3. Soundly, soundly, soundly.
As Harl. acts this, Scaramouch lets fall the Sack, comes softly out, and stands just behind him, with his Girdle ready to beat him, as he turns.—Harl. turns to beat the Sack, sees Scaramouch, runs off; who follows, beating him.
Scar.
Aye, soundly, soundly, soundly.
The End of the fourth Act.