Sunday Family Humour 9th October Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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The Definitive Rugby World Cup Team Guide

Thanks to Tony H.

Pool C

Australia

Basic Info: Large island off the coast of New Zealand inhabited by 21 million convicts, 2 million New Zealanders and enough deadly animals to ensure any smart Kiwi stays well away.

If you meet an Australian in the street: You have my sympathy.

Chances of Winning: As always the Aussies rate themselves highly coming in to the tournament and are likely going to be the Mighty Mighty All Blacks final victim.

Australians You May Know: John Farnham (Best. Mullet. Ever), Split Enz (NZ Rock Band), Crowded House (NZ Rock Band), Dragon (NZ Rock Band), Phar Lap (NZ Race Horse), Quade Cooper (NZ First-Five), Russell Crowe (Australian

Actor)

Ireland

Basic Info: A rare combined team comprising the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. These two nations stop blowing each other up for six weeks every four years to compete at the Rugby World Cup.

If you meet Irish people in the street: You’re in for a hell of a few days.

Be prepared to drink Guinness 24/7, only stopping to eat steak and Guinness hotpots – with potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.

Chances of Winning: Pool C is probably the weakest of the lot. Ireland should make the quarters – failure to do so will result in lost Viaduct pub revenues of an estimated 10 million dollars.

Irish People You May Know: Darren Clarke (Golfer, Alcoholic), Colin Farrell (Actor, Alcoholic), Brian O’Driscoll (Rugby Player, “Could’ve doied”) George Best (Footballer, Alcoholic & dead!)

Italy

Basic Info: Boot shaped south European nation of 61 million inhabitants.

Most Italians argue a lot, sleep with anything that moves and live on the East Coast in an area called Jersey Shore.

If you meet Italians in the street: Shake hands then fall to the ground grasping your eye, seething in agony. This will show your guests that you have a good knowledge of Italian soccer. Females should not approach Italian men under any circumstances.

Chances of Winning: The Azzurri have surprised a few northern journos with the odd victory over six-nations teams in the past. They may not win but there’s every chance there’ll be a lot of scoring going on.

Italian People You May Know: Luciano Pavarotti (Tenor, Womaniser), Silvio Berlusconi (Prime Minister, Womaniser), Giacomo Cassanova (Womaniser, Womaniser).

Russia

Basic Info: Freaking huge country of 143 million vodka drinkers that used to be part of the freaking huger U.S.S.R. before the Iron Curtain was torn down. Home of smoking hot but averagely talented tennis players.

If you meet Russians in the street: Ask for a nip of Vodka. Speak in a deep thundering voice and remove all vowels from the words you are using.

Chances of Winning: Are you serious?

Russians You May Know: Maria Sharapova (The New Anna Kournakova), Anna Kournakova (The Old Maria Sharapova), Dasha Astafieva (Cover Girl – Playboy Nude Playmates 2011), Nikita (That chick from the Elton John song that will never know anything about his home), Sergey Brin (Really, really rich),

United States of America

Basic Info: Large North American country and self proclaimed centre of the universe, land of the free and home of the brave. None of which is true.

The average IQ of Americans is amongst the lowest in the developed world with one group in particular dragging the average down. These people are known as Democrats.

If you meet Americans in the street: Speak slowly. The Americans have no idea what English is.

Chances of Winning: Significantly better than their chances in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea or most of Central America but still less than .01%.

Americans You May Know: Justin Timberlake (Talent yet to be discovered – but famous all the same), Larry Page (Really, really rich)

Pool D

Fiji

Basic Info: Melanesian Island nation of 850,000 people ruled over by whichever army leader was involved in the last monthly military coup. Home of the world’s worst beer “Fiji Bitter” and one of the best rugby sevens teams you’ll ever see.

If you meet Fijians in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.

Chances of Winning: With 8 blokes on the field that have no idea why they are there, probably not very much at all.

Fijians You May Know: Joeli Vidiri (All Black Winger), Sitiveni Sivivatu (All Black Winger), Rupeni Caucaunibuca (All Black Winger), Josevata Rokocoko (All Black Winger)

Namibia

Basic Info: African country north of South Africa (unsurprisingly) of just over 2 million people. They have several deserts and a good women’s roller hockey team. (Thanks Wiki) If you meet Namibians in the street: You’re probably not going to have much in common. I’ve researched thoroughly on Wiki and am yet to find anything interesting.

Chances of Winning: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha <breathes> hahahahahahahahahaha Namibians You May Know: Percy Montgomery (Springbok fullback and pretty

boy) – Namibian – who would have thunk it?

Samoa

Basic Info: Pacific Island Nation of 179,000 people who live in paradise.

Samoa consists of 8 smaller islets and the three main islands of Upolu, Savai’I and Te Ika-a-Mâui.

If you meet Samoans in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.

Chances of Winning: A realistic chance of toppling Wales for the second quarter final spot… a result that will send most of Auckland into a 7 day party.

Samoans You May Know: David Tua (O for Owsome), Peter Fatialofa (Piano Mover), Olo Brown (All Black prop that my cat is named after)

South Africa

Basic Info: Nation of 51 million people located in Africa’s South. Home of the great culinary delight known as Boerewors (like NZ sausages but made of meat). New Zealand’s traditional rugby arch-rival (unless they beat us in which case all that matters is The Bledisloe Cup) If you meet South Africans in the street: You are probably in Albany.

Chances of Winning: Probably the second favourites behind the Mighty Mighty All Blacks – therefore no chance at all.

South Africans You May Know: Suzie (Waitress), Pieter de Villiers (Comedian), Joel Stransky (Dream Crusher)

Wales

Basic Info: Country of 3 million leek eating, rugby loving coal miners who hate the English. Wales is not dissimilar to New Zealand in many ways.

All Welsh men are named either Ian, Gareth, David or Thomas and have the last name Jones, Williams, Thomas or Evans. Beware of imitators.

If you meet Welsh People in the street: Try to induce phlegm whilst saying Prynhawn da, Pob dymuniad da. The Welsh language is less about the pronunciation and more about the amount of spit produced.

Chances of Winning: Absolutely no chance – but don’t tell the Welsh – they don’t realise it yet.

Welsh People You May Know: Bonnie Tyler (80s rock chick), Tom Jones (Underwear Model)

Why You Should play golf

Thanks to Tony H.

Men in the kitchen

Thanks to Peter D.

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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

Thanks to Bill S.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day

to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,

I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

'Go away!' said the old lady.

''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.

''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces

of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam,

I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said,

''Well let me get you a fork,

'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Trees

Thanks to Cory A.

The Living Bridge

Thanks to David H.

Psychology 101

Thanks to Mark G.

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the

cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of

stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and

climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold

water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ...

all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another

monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it

with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the

stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the

stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new

one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer

takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth,

then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is

attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they

were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are

participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced

all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever

been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to

climb the stairway for the banana. Why, you ask? Because in their

minds...that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how government operates and is why, from time to time,

ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

Hash House Harriers

The Hash House Harriers (abbreviated to HHH, H3, or referred to simply as Hashing)

is an international group of non-competitive running, social and drinking clubs,

whose organisation and management sets a perfect example for the new earth government.

This new type of government is known as "drinking-club-with-running-problem mentality",

and is now preferred by more hashers than current governments

harriermagazine.com

Visit relaxing Laos

Look out for the Inter Mekong Hash in Luang Prabang,

and it's prelube run in Vientiane THIS WEEKEND

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