Sunday Family Humour 19th February

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Scotch and 2 drops of water

Thanks to Ray O'

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says,

'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,

'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says,

'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,

'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says,

'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,

'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies,

'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy

and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' I S WHEN...

Going braless

pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action'

means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all-nighter' means not getting up

to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not sure these are jokes?

Not in Laos

Thanks to Ray O'.

JUST ANOTHER TEST - Yes

Thanks to Ray O'.

You'll enjoy this test

If you pass this test with flying colors, it is guaranteed you will live to be a hundred.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT.

Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line.

Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting...

Short Neurological Test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer...

Congratulations!

Oh. One more test...

Find the 44th USA President.

Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either!

SENIOR CITIZENS

ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to other folk.

Exceptional Animal Photos

Thanks to Paul S.

Birds Play Tug of War Too...

CATS COME IN WHITE...

AND BLUE...

AND SOMETIMES IN A SHOE...

HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU...

SOMETIMES ITS YOUR FAULT...

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO SIT IN A CORNER BY YOURSELF.

SOMETIMES YOU REALLY NEED A BATH...

BUT DON’T WORRY TOO MUCH...

FIND A COZY PLACE TO REST...

SOMETIMES, LITTLE DUCKS SWIM IN THE LAKE...

AND OTHER TIMES IN THE SINK...

IS THIS A FLAMINGO DAYCARE CENTER ???

A NEW SPORT: CHICK BOARDING !!!

H-M-M-MMM....SWISS OR GOUDA ???

REMEMBER, I’M KEEPING MY EYE ON YOU....

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN OWL SNEEZE ???

WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS ???

“THIS IS THE LIFE” ...BRING ON THE BISCUITS

New Mexico Chili Cook off

Thanks to Ray O'.

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no

hope for you.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges,

The reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this

is. They have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced chile taster named Terry, who was

visiting from Rochester, Mn.

Bob: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have

free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Terry) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.. I've located a uranium spill. My nose

feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by

now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,

now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting

sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.

Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm

eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – CRAZY LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive..

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SANCHOâ€™S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. #I should take note that I am

worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava

to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;

I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in

through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.

Three great Bud adverts

Thanks to Captain Bob

Interesting Stuff

Thanks to Ray O'.

Believe or otherwise

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is

considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he

declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in

their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time

when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground

for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of

man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air

density

The University of Alaska spans four time zones

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers - that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when

knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than

15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could

set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel

are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:

In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.