Sunday Family Humour 25th March Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Only in Britain

Thanks to Gary

Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Cities From The Air

Thanks to Lee

The Flying Lawnmower

Thanks to Cory A

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Unique Bridges

Thanks to David M.

Pedestrian Bridge - Texas

This beautiful arched bridge in Lake Austin was built by Miro Rivera Architects and is used to connect the client's main house to the smaller guest house on the other side of the pond. To make the bridge seem as natural as possible within its surroundings they made the decking and reed-like hand rails imperfect but still structurally sound.

Kintaikyo, Iwakuni, Japan

The original Kintai Bridge was built in 1673 but collapsed due to flooding. The rebuilt bridge survived for more than 200 years until a typhoon destroyed it in 1950. The bridge that stands now over the Nishiki River has five wooden arches displaying an incredible amount of detail and craftsmanship. Interesting fact: no nails or bolts have been used to build the arches, only clamps and wires.

Juscelino Kubitschek Bridge , Brasilia , Brazil

The JK Bridge in Brasilia is a lesson in elegant bridge design. The three huge diagonal arches over the deck of the bridge give the structure an amazing visual fluidity (yeah, but was the designer slightly inebriated when he designed this structure?).

Rolling Bridge, London , UK

Thomas heatherwick's award-winning rolling bridge is an ingenious addition to the grand union canal system in London and is unique. Unlike regular movable canal bridges, the rolling bridge curls up to form an octagon by way of hydraulic jacks to let ships pass.

Beipanjiang River Railroad Bridge , Guizhou , China

Beipanjiang River Railroad Bridge in Guizhou is an enormous railway bridge that was built as part of the 'Guizhou-Shuibai Railway Project'. Connecting two mountains over a deep ravine, at its highest point the bridge's deck sits 918 ft above the ground. Parenthetically the bridge in connects two of the country's poorest areas.

Henderson Waves, Southern Ridges, Singapore

' Henderson Waves' is Singapore 's highest pedestrian bridge and is at the 'Southern Ridges,' a beautiful 9 km (six miles) stretch of gardens and parks. The deck of the bridge is made from thousands of Balau wood slats, perfectly cut and arranged, and along the length of the deck a snaking, undulating shell forms sheltered seating areas on every upward curve.

Pont Gustave Flaubert, Rouen , France

This incredible vertical lift bridge is in Rouen , France , whose spans weigh 1,200 tons each but can be hoisted 180 ft vertically in an impressive 12 minutes. The angular lift structures at the top of each tower weigh 450 tons each. The huge vertical lift allows even the largest cruise liners to sail through.

Hegigio Gorge Pipeline Bridge , Southern Highlands Province, Papua New Guinea.

This bridge supports two pipelines - one gas, the other oil - across the extremely deep gap in Papua New Guinea . If this were to be officially recognized as a vehicular or pedestrian bridge it would rocket to the top of the 'world's highest bridge-span' with the pipelines at an impressive height of 1,290 ft above the bottom of the gorge. By comparison, the current highest bridge span belongs to the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado , hanging a mere 1,053 ft above ground level.

Classic Repairs

Thanks to Tony H.

Cat' sleeping

Thanks to David M.

Railroad Tracks

Thanks to Ray M.

Railroad tracks.

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts...

So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses...

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds

.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!

Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything...

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

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