Sunday Family Humour 20th November

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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The Dead Parrot

Thanks to Bill S.

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Senor Rod?

This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?

Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod.

She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,

so I shot her with your new Kreighoff

Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..............

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."

National Geographic Pictures

Thanks to Paul S.

Women exercise in France

Thanks to Paul S.

Nun In A Cab

Thanks to Cindy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Chinese Transport Innovations

Thanks to Ray M.

These pictures were taken by a French photographer, Alain Delorme in Shanghai throughout 2009 & 2010.

He called the series, Totems.

These couriers - mostly migrant workers from other parts of China

- not only need strong legs but also acrobatic skills

to balance these massive loads on their tricycles & bicycles while on the move.

Where is the centre of gravity is in each case?

The Pizza Delivery Guy

Thanks to Cory A.

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts

before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes,

and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,

"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"He was the Pizza delivery guy."

My confession

Thanks to David H.

by Ben Stein (sounds like a German hash name)

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it

does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful

lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened.

I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas

trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me.

I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a

ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all

brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't

bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key

intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a

creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred

yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think

Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think

people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed

around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that

America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the

Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that

we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God ?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot

of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where

the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this

is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not

funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane

Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?'

(regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely

profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply

saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling

God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to

get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He

has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing

and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings,

etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was

murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want

prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better

not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill;

thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we

said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when

they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped

and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.. Spock's son committed

suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about.

And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why

they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to

kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it

out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why

the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers

say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send

'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you

start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about

sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass

freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed

in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many

on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or

what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us

than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But, if

you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about

what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

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