Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
Thanks to Tony H.
AN ARTICLE WHICH APPEARED IN _THE
DUBLIN TIMES_ ABOUT A BANK ROBBERY ON MARCH 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,
who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables,
were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a SMALL bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least
we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered littlebowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
Thanks to Lee
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Thanks to Cindy
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn
one day when, through a gap in the door,
he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,
and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you!
Read the last line again, slowly.)
is an international group of non-competitive running, social and drinking clubs,
whose organisation and mismanagement have existed for over 50 years.
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