A golden figment of perfection stood in the corner of my coffee shop. Her curly ginger hair framed her beautiful face as if she was a famous painting. Her eyes were bright blue and shining with anticipation. She brushed her hair out of her face revealing old memories about kissing in secret. I could not help but admire every single aspect of her body. Her freckles danced upon her face like constellations. I had not seen her in months, but she still had that perfect smile plastered on her face. An angry hello, snapped me back into reality. As everything came back into focus I saw a visibly impatient customer in front of me. After I took the man’s order, I looked up and experienced a pain, a loneliness, an all encompassing feeling of dread. My heart was aching and my mouth became a desert. My body became an empty vessel as my mind wandered to the past, thinking how she ruined my life. She was my first love. She was my first everything, and now I am stuck awkwardly judging her from behind a counter. She started walking over to me, with someone else. Their hands were intertwined, not one particle out of place.
“Hi, how can I help you today?” I murmured with a sheepish grin painted on. She abruptly broke out of conversation with her girlfriend. Her eyes buzzed around me, viewing every piece of what she left behind.
“Oh my gosh Tina! How are you?” she said in one breath.
She complimented my new look and I thanked her and took her order. That was it. That was all the conversation consisted of. To my surprise, nothing was awkward and a shared happiness for each other bounced around in expressions and glances. Until closing, her and her girlfriend took a spot in the corner right next to the shining glass window. They were both trapped in a small bubble blocking all outside noise. Their happiness made me trail to a time when that was us trapped in the bubble.
The memory of our breakup played on repeat the rest of the night. The environment was warm and bright, the blue ocean of the sky crashed upon us. We were walking side by side, but not holding hands. The park we were at was our park. It consisted of a hidden pathway that had a perfect log that was meant for the two of us. I remember finding it and both of us thinking it was fate. She sat me down on the log as she stood up. Instantly I knew something was wrong.
Tears poured down her face as she whimpered, “ I do not love you anymore. I do not know why and I promise it is nothing you did. You are perfect,” she said in a helpless cry. “I would do anything to be in love with you again. You shaped who I am and I will never forget the happiness you have given me in the past two years.”
I started crying without the idea of her not being in my life even coming to realization. For the next few weeks I still waited for her texts and cleared my calendar on saturday nights because those were our days. I walked around as a spectre haunting the past. I woke up in pain and went to bed exhausted because being awake without her was excruciating. I spent weeks trying to figure out what I did for her to not love me. I hopelessly analyzed myself from head to toe. That is when I cut my hair, because I thought it was ugly. Also when I got this job, because I thought I was maybe too lazy. I watched her and her partner leave the shop, and I could not help but think how I will never forgive myself for still being in love with her.
Kelly Sullivan is a senior. She is majoring in Psychology at West Chester University next year, with the main intention of helping others.