What I Couldn't Say in My College Essays

I despise math class, but every year I find myself signing up for the highest level that I can take. Then I am shocked when time and time again I find myself crying for hours over my frustration. In fact, this applies to most of the classes I take. I’ll take AP after AP and fail the tests all year. Then I don’t study for the final exam and not at all be surprised when I fail.

I hate feeling dumb so I take the hardest classes I can, but then I feel like I can’t get an A no matter what so I don’t put in enough effort to try. I just want to be able to say that I am in an AP class and be able to complain with my friends about our teachers. I hate feeling like my friends are smarter than me, so I feel the need to take the same level courses as them.

Some of my friends told me that everyone in our classes is cheating, but I just can’t bring myself to do that. The idea of there being the even slightest possibility that I could get caught is enough to deter me from trying. I don’t feel any moral obligation to not cheat because I know that other people are doing it, so I would just be evening the playing field. The idea of a teacher catching me, and being publicly shamed me turns my stomach. I can’t blame my friends though because the system is messed up.

You take a test to see what you know, but if half the class does badly on a test it is their fault for not studying? Is it the teacher’s fault for inadequately preparing them? Your grade counts as what you can display on a piece of paper not what is actually going on in your mind.

My friends who do study hard and get good grades destroy themselves to do it. They are absolutely miserable and spend all their free time working. They can’t enjoy the freedom of their youth because they are always stressed about whatever big assignment is due next. They try so hard in school to get into a good college, so they can get a good job, so they can, maybe, finally be happy. I just want to be happy right now.

Some people might want me to stress more so I try harder, but I just don’t really see the point. Why should I be trying so hard at things that don’t make me happy in the hope that one day they will?