By David Hamell
Were you invited to a funeral? Do you really wanna make a splash? Do you want the others to think of you as the ultimate, sympathetic, elite guest that you are? Well this guide is for you! After reading our tips, you’ll be ready to get to business!
Funerals are a great opportunity to get attention. You’re gonna wanna follow this guide if you wish to keep the spotlight on you, however. The first step is to text or email whoever invited you, thanking them for being thoughtful. Tell them you’re excited for the big day and that you can’t wait to give your goodbyes. This’ll make it seem like you’re caring and want to support your friends or family or whoever it is you’re dealing with. First you’re gonna wanna perfect your style. You’ll wanna look like a businessman who hardly has time for funerals. Buy a suit from Party City or some other costume store so you can look your best while saving money. You’ll wanna kick it up a notch so you stand out, though. Try to find an ear piece and a pen you can click nonstop.
Now, print a bunch of fake business cards so you can look more important than everyone else. Write random numbers down in case anyone actually decides to call. You can also bring along a ton of flowers without having to spend any money. Just find a nice garden somewhere and pick as many as you’d like. What’s gonna happen, are the cops gonna chase you down over a couple of plants?
Make sure to bring a pair of sunglasses along, as well. You’ll look cool and sophisticated and everyone will be paying more attention to you than anyone else. When you arrive at the funeral, make sure to park as lousy as possible. You’ll wanna make it seem like you’ve got bigger things on your mind than worrying about a silly parking spot. Slowly and dramatically take your sunglasses off as you walk inside the church. This will give you the entrance you need to immediately steal the spotlight. Say something along the lines of “glad I could make it” before anyone beats you to the punch. Nobody needs to welcome you other than yourself. Put your sunglasses back on. You’re gonna wear them throughout the service to make it seem like you’re too elite to look anyone in the eye. Walk right up to the casket, pat the side of it, and make a joke so everyone knows you’re the life of the party. Say something like “fancy seeing you here” or “you look comfy.”
During the service, interrupt the priest while they’re speaking with statements that’ll make the others look like peasants. Tell them you have to take a business call. This’ll make it look like you take your job more seriously than everyone else and have more important things on your mind. Stand outside for five minutes or so. When you return, yell “I’m back” before sitting down so everyone notices you. Your voice should echo a little, which will get your message to sink in more in case they didn’t hear you the first time. Getting attention is your main goal, so don’t stop there. Make a few criticisms now and then so you seem judgmental and intimidating to the others. Tell the priest to talk louder. Tell them they’re too shy and need to speak up. If anyone gives you a look, stare back at them until they look away. Make yourself look psychotic so they know not to mess with you. Give the widest, most crazy smile you can muster. Let them know their passive-aggressive expressions won't get them out of the wilderness. You should also check your watch every few minutes so it seems like you’re busy and have bigger fish to fry.
What’s really great about wearing sunglasses during the funeral is, not only do you look cool, but also the fact you can sleep and the others will be less likely to notice. Nobody will dare call you out if they do happen to see what you’re doing. When it’s time to walk up to the casket and say a few words, do your best to get there before anyone else. Stand in front of the deceased individual and speak your mind. Don’t let anyone else have room. Drop your business card in the casket. Crack another joke. Tell them they can take it with them and employ a few angels. Then drop some money in there as well. It doesn’t have to be much. You’ll just wanna seem like a financially slick person. Knock on the casket a few times and say something like “that’s some high-quality material right there!”
When it’s time to leave, make the whole thing about yourself. Talk to everyone in sight about what you do and how you’ve been. Don’t let them get any words in. Interrupt conversations to bring the attention back to you. Shake hands with whoever you speak to and use hand sanitizer immediately afterwards while talking to them to give them a subconscious feeling of inferiority. Make sure to hand them each a business card as well. You should also use a prank buzzer on some of them to show them that you have a great sense of humor, even during a funeral. You’ll appear more resilient than the others for proceeding with a joke at an unexpected time.
When you have to leave, get in your car and honk a bunch of times so everyone knows you’re driving off. With this guide, you’ll be an elite guest in no time! Everyone’s minds will be focused on your presence. They’ll be wondering what kind of elite business king you are and you’ll likely be all they talk about for the rest of the day! Great job, you’re now ready for the funeral! Time to show them how it’s done!!
David Hamell is in 12th grade. He likes writing comedy, satire, horror, and mix-genre stories. NOT POETRY!!! He is allergic to poetry. He's also hoping to publish his own book sometime soon!
David has four pieces in this year's Troubadour because he is a writing MACHINE! The Troubadour encourages everyone to read his guides on how to get all the attention at funerals and how to host an elite Christmas dinner. They are absolutely amazing!