Every day, Carl would make himself a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. Was it boring? Yes. Was it safe? Also yes. Carl was a pragmatic guy. If he ate that “Jolt Oats” cereal his roommates were always buying, his intestines would likely resemble a minefield. He would rather play it safe.
One day, Carl woke up and stumbled to the kitchen as normal. He grabbed the box of oatmeal, only to discover that it was empty. He checked his emergency stash. Nothing. His roommate, Nick, walked into the room. “Hey, Nick, did you go to the store this week?” Carl asked.
“No.” Nick replied.
“Was it Terry’s turn to go to the store?” Carl said. Nick shrugged. That would do it. Terry had allegedly been “busy” for most of the week.
“Well, we’re out of oatmeal,” Carl said.
“Bummer.” Nick sat down and poured himself a bowl of Jolt Oats.
“You know, that stuff is awful for you. I’ve heard it’s caused hundreds of heart attacks. They’re launching an investigation into the company that makes it,” Carl said. Nick ignored him and flicked on the TV. Last night’s episode of Spontaneous Combustion! With Robert Hydrocarbon began to play loudly. “What am I going to do? I have nothing to eat,” Carl lamented.
“Again: Bummer. Have some Jolt Oats.” Nick brought his spoon to his lips and began to chew loudly, indicating that the conversation was now over. He was never very conversational at this time of day.
“No. Screw you.” Carl walked into his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed. Stupid roommates. If they had only remembered to get oatmeal, he would have something to eat right now. Carl had had Jolt Oats once before, back in college, and it had sent him into such a sugar high that he had somehow ended up naked in an art museum 400 miles away from the dorm. Carl decided to go out and buy breakfast for himself from a restaurant. After all, it wouldn’t kill him, right?
Little did Carl know that before the day was over, he would almost fall victim to corporate assassination.
Carl went through his normal routine-showering, shaving, etc. He garbed himself in the same basic clothes he wore everyday--button down shirt and khakis--and stepped out into the world. The city was so noisy at this time of day. People bustled back and forth quickly, as if they were all somehow late for work. The morning sun aggressively beat down on Carl’s eyes, like a child on the drum set they had just received for Christmas. He staggered through the streets, half blind, until he could see again. “Excuse me, sir!” Carl said, approaching a man in a suit and extremely dark sunglasses. He was lounging on a bench, watching two pigeons fight over a discarded bag of food. He looked vaguely familiar, but Carl couldn’t place him. “Do you know where I could-”
“Shh,” the man said, drawing his finger to his lips. “Who do you think will win? My odds are on the bluer one.”
“I don’t–”
“Did I not shush you?” the man snapped. Suddenly, Carl recognized him.
“You’re that Robert Hydrocarbon guy!” he said.
“In the flesh!” Robert said, standing up and violently shaking Carl’s hand.
“My roommates love your show,” Carl said. “You’re always so…”
“Chaotic? Yep. That’s me, alright. What was it you wanted?”
“I was just wondering if you knew anywhere I could get breakfast. I ran out of oatmeal, and my roommates were trying to force Jolt Oats on me. And that is a no.”
“Jolt Oats? I’ve heard of those. My crew keeps asking me if I’ve tried them.”
“It seems like that’s all my roommates eat. I think they’re addictive.”
“I see. That does sound annoying… hmm…” Robert said. “Say, that gives me an idea! Could you help me out, mr…”
“Carl. Sure, but I need food–”
“The time for food is later! Come with me! We shall defame Jolt Oats on live television!” Robert dramatically declared, attracting the stares of various onlookers.
“What?! Why?”
“Why the heck not?! What were you planning on doing today?! Carpe diem!” Robert ran off, leaving behind the dueling pigeons. Carl shrugged to himself and ran after, ignoring every instinct in his body.
“Where are we going, exactly?” Carl asked as he caught up with Robert at a traffic light.
“My studio. We can plan what you’re going to say there,” Robert replied. The little “walk” sign appeared, and they continued on their journey. The two weaved their way through the streets, much to the annoyance of the populace. They entered a dark alley (presumably as a shortcut) when they were suddenly blocked by a man in a Jolt Oats polo shirt and baseball cap. “Wow. Nice to see you’ve got a theme going here,” quipped Robert.
The man didn’t reply, instead drawing a gun and firing. Robert shoved Carl to the side, Carl’s arm smashing against the ground. “Cease and desist at once, or face the wrath of the Jolt Oats corporation,” the man stated mechanically.
“Damn. Now that’s a greeting,” Robert chuckled.
“We have eyes everywhere. There will be nowhere you can hide, Carl. Go home at once,” the man growled, his voice filling with overwhelming menace. He then bolted. This day was getting weirder and weirder by the minute. Robert ran over to Carl, pulling him to his feet. “Are you alright? Sorry for shoving you.”
“I’m alright,” Carl groaned, feeling his arm. It wasn’t broken, but still stung like crazy.
“You don’t have to do this anymore if you don’t want to. All I wanted to do was make fun of cereal. I wasn’t aware they had a goddamn mafia,” Robert said, sounding serious for the first time since Carl had met him.
Carl considered his options for a moment before saying “Yeah, I’d rather not if you don’t mind. I don’t feel like being assassinated today.”
“That’s fair,” Robert replied. “There’s a great diner just down the street. Go there. They have oatmeal.”
“Thanks!” Carl said. He walked to the diner, leaving Robert behind. He sat down at the counter and ordered a bowl of oatmeal. It was the most delicious breakfast he had ever had.
That night, Carl reflected upon his day. He felt he made the right choice, yet part of him was dissatisfied. He wondered what would have happened had he gone with Robert. It probably would have been a much better narrative. But he was happy to have not been murdered by the Jolt Oats corporation. In the end, Carl would have preferred to break out of his mundane existence in a less potentially deadly way. Some people just weren’t meant for this sort of thing.