Silencing the Heart

By Shamira Rovira

Taken advantage of again. I thought she had guarded me this time. My name is Corazón. My day usually consists of a lot of thumping around almost religiously. I live inside of Harley and usually its warm and full of mushy and corny crap. Medically I only have one job, and that is to keep Harley alive. I pump blood to the most important parts of her all day, everyday. Although I medically only have one job, Harley makes me work overtime emotionally. If you want the short version, she met this kid named John and he wasn't any good for her. There. That's it. EL FÍN. However if you want the long version…

They started off as nobodies. Just a stranger familiar enough to ask a favor. Then she asked him for another favor. Why was she always asking for favors? She used to ask me for favors. She used to listen to me. I used to have a voice. Anyways, eventually John always came rushing to her side, no questions asked. Opening car doors and making her feel comfortable; just like a gentleman would. But deep down he was not a gentleman. I could see that a mile away. How could´nt she see it. How blind is she? Impromptu Peace Valley date until dark. If I physically could, I would barf. He plans cute dates? He´s officially trying to silence me by hypnotizing her. Sitting on a blanket in the grass until the park rangers kicked them out. Sitting in his car outside his house for what seemed like an eternity. Like this could last forever. She starts to loosen that grip she had around me. That grip she had worked so hard to create around her heart. Meanwhile I´m screaming out loud, ¨please be careful.¨

Back in his car all she can remember is John telling her, ¨let her know then.¨

Harley took all of 0.5 seconds to understand what he meant by that. Even so, she decided to be difficult.

¨What do you mean by that?¨

¨I´ll show you,¨ he replied, closing the distance between their lips.

Short and sweet is such a cliché but it's genuinely how it felt. Confusing? Sure. But it was like home for her. To me it felt like being in a boxing ring with a professional MMA fighter. That damned kiss almost made me stop a few times. Even my downstairs neighbor called about the disturbance. He asked me if I had pesky butterflies flying around my residence too.

She eventually did let her know. Her best friend that is.

¨No way he kissed you right after I sent that,¨ Marianela said.

¨I cant believe it either¨ Harley groaned with a coy smile. ¨I´d never seen someone so bold before.¨

¨Did you like it?¨

¨It was okay...¨

¨Just okay?¨ her friend inquired, eyes giving off a knowing look.

¨ It was amazing, okay?¨ ¨He was so gentle and kind it was kind of the best first kiss you can ask for with a guy.¨

Here we go again with the neighbor complaining about butterflies.

Social media turned into swapping phone numbers. Phone numbers turned into late night talks. Late night talks became spontaneous dates. Everything a relationship was. Except for his commitment. Except for a label. And he was fine with that. Harley was fine with that until that last grip on me slivered away like koi fish in a pond. She had agreed to this lack of commitment because it was only supposed to be a summer fling. She kept telling herself-No, she kept telling me it was just fun. She should have kept her cage around me.

A relationship. They were so close yet so far from that. John blamed her for not knowing him enough when he never let her in. The last words from him were ¨we can still hang out, I just cant pretend like I want you anymore.¨ Its stomach- No. Neighbor wrenching seeing her being taken advantage of again.

At this point I think she feels like healing me is overrated. Maybe outdated. A concept so ancient to her. It seems like she purposely gets me hurt and says ¨screw it, let's go again.¨ Just like a kid on a rollercoaster. Except I can't get off this ride and each loop around makes me smaller and weaker. Harley and I are quite the literal package deal, considering I live inside her. But I cant ignore that she´s living her life like one big yolo moment. She moves from 2 ½ years with the ¨love of her life¨, to a month of lies with John, and who knows how many more in between. Not saying she feels sad. Maybe just confused. Why would John let her go and then be mad when she moves on? When we move on? She is not yours John. We are not yours. After all you never publicly acknowledged her in the first place. So why complain when someone realizes our worth? But you know what?

Its fine.

Because we are the ones with too many guy friends. We are the ones that constantly mess up. We are the ones that love too hard even if we barely knew you. Our feelings aren't hurt. Our trust is. We didn't care about the body. We cared about the soul. The notebook we shared, the poems Harley wrote about you that tore me apart, our dried up flowers. Our trauma. Just one more person that knows all there is to know about us, wandering through this world. I really thought Harley had kept me safe this time. It´s like she loves breaking me over and over again. I always thought my name was very fitting. After all, Corazón does mean heart. What is a teenage Corazón for, if not for breaking?

Shamira R. Rovira moved here around four years ago. She used to live in Puerto Rico until hurricanes Maria and Irma destroyed her home town, Aguadilla. Most of her work is focused on my life in general. Some of her future plans include becoming a doctor on an air force base. She is currently obsessed with Tory Lanez, The Weeknd, and Bad Bunny. <3