By David Hamell
Are you a Baby Boomer who is sick and tired of the modern world and can’t relate to people anymore? Well, never fear because the best vacation for old folks is here! You’ll be staying at a luxury resort all summer long! You don’t need to worry about youngsters ruining your opportunity to relax and reflect on your wealth because only guests who fit the Boomer age group are welcome. For example, Gen X is getting pretty old and cranky as well, but they aren’t allowed at our resort since it’s exclusively made for their elders!
When you stay at this glorified retirement home, you’ll be taken back to “simpler times” when all you needed to worry about was being drafted to Vietnam and whether or not your kids were trying to summon demons through video games and what the next move was gonna be in the Cold War. None of that stuff matters now because you’re gonna be sitting next to a pool with a fifty-dollar smoothie in your hand, wondering when the inflation will stop. It won’t. Do you know what else won’t stop, though? The awesome activities at our resort! You can play all kinds of old people games such as shuffleboard, golf, and even bingo! You’ll have so much fun, it’ll take you back to the good old days when there were no problems because you can’t remember any and it was a thousand years ago.
Our resort is decorated like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s got all kinds of retro designs that are sure to bring you back to your childhood when you could buy two large cheeseburgers, two large fries, two large milkshakes, and two large salads all for less than a buck. Of course, that would probably cost you five hundred dollars here, but you get the idea. We’re not going THAT old school, however just about everything else should be the same as you remember.
Now it’s time to talk about some of the awesome events we have at our resort! First, we have concerts every weekend where you can dance to any song that came out before 1980. Doesn’t sound good enough? Head over to our top diners, which are based on the 1960s and 1970s, only slightly updated in certain ways. You’ll experience different prices, but the same great taste you remember. Is five minutes too long to wait for your food? Don’t worry because we allow you to say whatever you want to our employees. No judgment, no consequences, just Baby Boomers. Finally, we have an amazing auditorium where you can go up to the stage, take a mic, and complain to thousands of other old people about the things that bother you in the modern age along with everything that was better in the past, like how much safer the world used to be and how people didn’t need to lock their doors, even though we all know that’s a load of crap. You’re also completely free to ramble about as many delusional conspiracy theories as you want and we’ll even hold contests for who has the best one!
Boomers have done a lot for the planet! Not necessarily many good things, but we’ll give them credit for being innovative. At our resort, you’ll basically be living in the wonderful days of the ‘60s and ‘70s when there wasn’t any 24-hour news because that’s apparently a bad thing. We embrace the styles you remember as well, so go get yourself a caveman haircut and a pair of kidnapper glasses and prepare to relive those great times, only with back pain and much higher prices. It only costs about three hundred thousand dollars per person for one month at our resort. It shouldn’t be much because Baby Boomers are so wealthy compared to the generations that follow! You won’t have to worry about gas prices, either! You’ll be getting around on those scooter things that you’d normally see at a Walmart. Baby Boomer Camp! It’s time to spend that not so hard-earned money!
David Hamell is in 12th grade. He likes writing comedy, satire, horror, and mix-genre stories. NOT POETRY!!! He is allergic to poetry. He's also hoping to publish his own book sometime soon!
David has four pieces in this year's Troubadour because he is a writing MACHINE! The Troubadour encourages everyone to read his guides on how to get all the attention at funerals and how to host an elite Christmas dinner. They are absolutely amazing!