CHRISTMAS GUIDE
It’s Christmas time! It’s the holiday of joy and eggnog! It’s the holiday of caroling and syrup! Best of all, it’s the holiday of PRESENTS!!!!! As hard as it is to believe, there are families out there that still gather for the holidays. If you happen to be in one of those families and you’ve been selected as the host of the dinner, why not use this guide to assure all will be merry? We’ll help you become the most memorable host your guests will ever know!
Your first priority is decorating. Hang up some lights around the dining area and make the table look nice and festive. This step shouldn’t be too stressful because it’s likely you’ve already decorated the rest of your house by now, otherwise you’ll seem like the Grinch. Make sure the place looks like it came straight from the North Pole. After all, you’ll want your guests to feel magical when they walk through the door.
The next step is first impressions. You want your guests to see you as a host with dignity and self-respect! The less vulnerable you look, the less likely they are to talk back to you during dinner. Buy the most realistic tuxedo costume you can find. That way, you’ll be able to dress your best while saving a ton of money. The others will look like peasants and you’ll look like an elite gentleman. Make sure to have it ready in time for the gathering and check for any tags or markings that would give it away. Now to buy some presents for your guests. It’s the holiday season, after all! Look for gifts that you feel would establish a superiority complex.
Buy them things like deodorant, floss, and other hygiene products that’ll leave them perplexed with confusion and a determination to better themselves. You can also try to get them random items they’ll never touch such as paper clips and toothpicks. You’ll be spending more effort wrapping the gifts and making them look exciting than actually coming up with them. In fact, you can find some of that stuff from around your house. You can even take it to the next level and give them completely useless things like a blank mug with nothing on it, a bland phone case without knowing if it would fit anyone’s device, a random book about something completely irrelevant, or a plain T-shirt that’s way too small. If you wanna be super elite, you can even break some of the items beforehand so they’ll open it and feel a subconscious need to pay you back.
Now it’s time to prepare for your guests! Nobody wants to go through the hassle of making Christmas dinner and especially nobody wants to pay for it. Go to a local food donation pickup and take as much as you need. Pick out the stuff that’s easy to cook. You’ll go to a restaurant for the rest. That way, you can save a lot of money on most of the side dishes. Your guests are gonna be hungry after all that traveling, so it’s a good idea to stock up for that meal. Don’t hold back on how much you take, either. Use this opportunity to impress your guests with an abundance of goodies. After all, it’s free! If there’s a limit on the amount you can have, drive to another one to get more. You can also try going from door to door in another neighborhood with a plastic bag claiming you’re collecting “food donations.” You can just make up a cause, it doesn’t really matter. Just say it’s for hungry families or something so you can move things along. You should get at least a few people who feel pressured to agree. You don’t have to walk around for long, but after you’re finished you’ll have saved some money, which is always a priority.
Now for the food that requires more maintenance. Drive to a restaurant like KFC or Popeyes for stuff like Turkey and pies. Minimal work. Minimal spending. Simple and easy! Make sure to buy them a few days ahead of time because there’s a good chance most restaurants will be closed on Christmas. You can store it away in the fridge or whatever and reheat it later. It’s highly unlikely any of your guests will be brave enough to complain about the taste.
It’s time to prepare for the dinner! Set the table as nicely as possible. You wanna make your guests feel like they’re in a fancy restaurant. Put your seat at the end of the table so it’ll be easier for you to maintain everyone’s attention. Buy some golden plates from the Dollar Tree or somewhere like that to make yourself look classy. Light some candles as well. Don’t set the food out, though. You don’t have to do all that work. You’ll dump that job on your guests instead. Anyway, don’t forget to turn one of those fireplace videos on the TV to give your home the aesthetic it needs to be jolly. Try to sneak a holiday air freshener somewhere to make your guests feel a subconscious attachment to your home, rendering you a more favorable host. Mess up your kitchen a little to make it look like you worked harder than you actually did. Next be sure to close the bathroom door. We’ll get to why later on. Finally, turn your oven on shortly before your guests show up. That way, when they get there you can pretend you forgot to shut it off, fueling the illusion that you made the turkey yourself.
Before you finish setting everything up, find an empty box and a few pieces of paper. Scribble a bunch of drawings that look like something a toddler would make and tape them to the sides. This will be how you make some quick money back. Label it as a donation bin for orphans. If you wanna make it extra convincing, you can even go as far as decorating it with beads and glitter and any other craft materials you can find. You’ll also wanna fold a bunch of papers in the shape of cards. They’ll help boost your donation lie, but we’ll get to why later on.
Now, if you don’t want anyone parking in your driveway, you can force their cars onto the street by pouring tons of water on the cement. It’ll freeze pretty quickly if it’s cold enough outside. If you wanna take it to the next level, you can go on your computer and design a fake parking ticket that demands money and have it delivered to your house. Just include something along the lines of “the fee must be presented to the address of whom you’ve committed this violation.” Don’t give them any contact information otherwise they’ll figure things out pretty quickly. It’s unlikely they’ll fall for it if they decide to question it online, but it’s worth a shot. Print a bunch of tickets so at least one of your guests might pay up.
It’s now time to wait for your guests to arrive. Stand by the door and watch them pull up to your home! Stay out of view as your first guests walk to the entrance. Right when they reach the door, open it and say “you came here at the perfect time!” It doesn’t matter if they were late, you need to give them something to smile about from the start. It’ll be easier to control your guests if you’re on good terms with them early on. If they do happen to be late, tell them it was more convenient because you “weren’t finished.” Ask them to help you with the food. You’ll be saving a lot of work and all you have to do is say you slipped on ice somewhere and injured your leg. Pretend to limp around for a little bit to back up your lie. You won’t have to keep the act going for long since you’ll be sitting down for the majority of the gathering. Tell them you’ll be right back as they start bringing everything to the table. Then just sit in the bathroom on your phone for however long you think it’ll take them to get everything ready. When the table is set, take your seat and wait for the rest of your guests to arrive.
When everyone is in your house, make sure they settle down quickly so the feast can begin. It’s time to get elite! Make sure they’re all informed about your fake injury before leading them with a special prayer. Tell them to close their eyes, raise their arms, and bend their elbows behind their heads like they’re laying down at a beach. Now tell them to make a low-pitched clicking noise for twenty seconds. Take your phone out and record them. You’ll post it online later on and you can show it to them in the future for a good laugh. Now it’s time to dig in!
Start off the dinner by telling your guests that the toilet is clogged and nobody will be able to use the bathroom. By doing this, you’re ensuring they’re likely to be out of your house at a decent time. Next you’re gonna wanna shut the oven off in front of everyone if you haven’t already. It’ll help extinguish any suspicions that you bought everything pre-made. After that you’re gonna wanna scan the table for sloppy eaters. If anyone is chewing with their mouth open, point at them and tell them to stop. Tell them pigs won’t be tolerated at the table and that if they wanna eat that way, they can go have dinner in a barn.
Now it’s time to teach you how to dictate this dinner! Don’t let anyone talk for more than ten seconds at a time. Interrupt them if they go beyond that limit. If they don’t stop rambling, talk over them until they get the message. You’re also gonna wanna establish a superiority complex over your guests so they know who’s the real star of the show. The more insecure they feel, the better you’ll look. Say things like “You look tired today, huh?” and “I know a really good dentist if anyone needs a reduced price!” You’ll look so sophisticated, sitting there in your tuxedo, talking down to everybody. There’s gonna be at least one fool at the table waiting to start a fight. The minute you hear a passive-aggressive statement from someone, threaten to kick them out. If an argument does erupt, scream at them to shut up at the top of your lungs over and over again and don’t stop repeating yourself until everyone is quiet. Tell whoever is causing the trouble to leave or you’ll call the police. Even if the subject promises to behave, don’t put your phone down until they’re out of the house. Nobody can ruin your big dinner.
Now for table topics. Keep the spotlight on yourself at all times. Don’t pay attention to anything your guests have to say unless it’s about you. Don’t even look at them while they speak. You need them to know you’re levels above the others. If the dinner drags on for too long, start talking about stuff like politics and controversial topics that’ll make them uncomfortable. Take full dictator initiative. Tell them you’re feeling sick without being direct about it. Start coughing and saying things like “it sure is chilly in here” and “is the heater even on?” Eventually you should just resort to telling them you’re really sick and need your rest and everyone is at risk of catching the flu.
Start limping over to the fake donation bin and grab the blank cards you made. Ask everyone to write a few kind words to the kids who aren’t with their families for Christmas and to drop a few dollars into the bin. Tell them everything will be going to the local orphanage and that they’re hoping for some support. Little do they know, their money won’t be going anywhere other than your pocket and the cards will go straight into the trash. Feel free to toss and burn anything that isn’t a green slip of paper.
Find which guests seemed the nicest and take advantage of that. Exploit their vulnerability and ask them to help you clean up. Of course, by “help” we mean have them do everything for you. If there’s any small kids at the dinner, you can trick them into clearing your food by making it a challenge. Say something like “whoever can take my dishes to the sink first gets fifty dollars!” You can even kick it up a notch and offer them a hundred dollars to wash your dishes as well. They’ll race each other to get the task done and when they’re finished, simply don’t give them the money. Gaslight the parents into thinking their kids are crazy and it’ll work in more than one way because those children will likely be screaming and crying, which will get everyone out the door faster. Try your hardest not to laugh, though. That’ll give you away.
Finally, if there’s anyone you didn’t like at the dinner, tell your guests you need to get something from your car really quick. Pop one of their tires and immediately limp back inside and tell them you noticed their vehicle was making weird noises. They’ll have no evidence. Even if they know it was you, they’ll have no way to prove it. They wanted to waste your time, so you wasted theirs. Watch them panic as they watch their tire slowly deflate like a melting snowman. Once again, however, you must try really hard not to laugh, otherwise it’ll all be over. When everyone else is ready to drive away, hand them the gifts through their windows. Tell them not to open anything until they get home and you won’t have to deal with their reactions.
Now that you know our tips for hosting an awesome Christmas dinner, you should be all set! Your guests are gonna be really impressed and will likely pick you to host another dinner! If anyone didn’t say “thank you,” make sure not to invite them back. Great job! You’re an elite Christmas host!!!
David Hamell is in 12th grade. He likes writing comedy, satire, horror, and mix-genre stories. NOT POETRY!!! He is allergic to poetry. He's also hoping to publish his own book sometime soon!
David has four pieces in this year's Troubadour because he is a writing MACHINE! The Troubadour encourages everyone to read his guides on how to get all the attention at funerals and how to host an elite Christmas dinner. They are absolutely amazing!