what if i stopped eating?
would i dissipate away in thin air?
would i finally be worthy of love?
would my shrinkage make me happier?
would i be colder?
all that baby fat, wait i’m not so sure it's baby fat.
will it all be gone?
will i get a new wardrobe of my dreams?
will i finally become good looking?
wouldn’t i become a fat loss inspiration?
i mean i was huge to begin with and now i’m not?
that’s healthy, right?
finally becoming healthy and taking care of myself?
everyone congratulating me for finally taking care of myself.
no.
if you are thin to begin with you go to the hospital.
but if you are fat to and become,
then you’re a success story.
someone who’s just finally taking care of themselves.
everyone is just so glad to see me taking care of myself.
but what they don’t see is that ice cubes become my meals.
mint gum is my favorite snack.
life saver zero sugar mints were my dessert.
but again they’re just so glad to see me taking care of myself!
i mean i spend so much time in the bathroom,
so one can assume i have a pretty good skin care routine.
but i’m not watching myself wash my face in the mirror.
i’m watching those numbers light up on the scale.
watching the numbers correlate with how much i eat.
each day eating less than the day before.
watching the numbers drop.
just as i drop to the floor each time i faint.
landing on the cold floor.
i can start to see my reflection in the tile.
my skeleton like reflection.
i don’t recognize myself.
it’s no longer fun anymore.
fun like dressing up as a skeleton for halloween.
not becoming one all year around.
but what if i started eating?
would i be happy again?
Raymond Fox is a junior at North Penn. He enjoys writing about mental health and taboo topics that people don't talk about often. He owns his own jewelry business and hopes to work in the mental health field when he is older.
About this piece: "I watched someone close to me get diagnosed with anorexia and lose their innocence. To cope with them being hospitalized at age 15 due to the ED I wrote this piece imagining that this is what they were experiencing."