I was never really a person to ask too many questions about this subject. I don't think many kids would ask a question that is sensitive, so delicate, like an expensive glass from an old china store. I mean, let us just be real for a second. I have always been very curious. I have grown up with just my mother since I could remember. It has always been me and her against the world. Now I am not saying I always enjoyed it, not everything is rainbows and unicorns. But in a general sense, I enjoyed my time with my mother.
Let me give you some background. My mom has worked many jobs, during the daytime and night time, bussing her ass. I kinda respect her for it, but I didn’t understand that much as a child. My mom had boyfriends here and there who would get me things, and spend time with me like I was the reason that they were there. Everytime I would meet a new one, it would go:
“Hi, nice to meet you. What’s your name?” the guy would ask me, speaking slowly since I'm a child and obviously can’t comprehend a person speaking English at a regular speed.
“I’m Keijah,” I would respond, looking up at what I would think to be the interstate building compared to me. “Nice to meet you.”
I would always remember shaking their hands, they would never give me a hug. Why? I am actually not sure. They would always smile and my mom always looked happy with the guys she would bring around me. So why every single time, they would break up? But then again, I didn’t understand that much as a child. Fast forward a couple years ahead, starting in 2011, to guys who actually stuck around for a while. They all had children of their own. Now is that a coincidence? Maybe. I would assume it is the understanding of responsibility that they must possess to be with other people that have children. I did indeed find it better to communicate with them since they know how kids think. How could they not, they have kids. If they didn’t understand a child’s mind, I would call that neglect on their own child.
They would know exactly what to say to me, such as “What you wanna do today?”, “I wanna watch what you wanna watch”, or “You know that new toy that just came out?” Of course I know that new toy that just came out. I have been wanting it ever since I saw it on a commercial in the middle of my TV time. Yet, the relationships still didn’t work out as I had hoped they would.
So fast forward to when I was a little older, and less dense in the head about the first toy I saw on an advertisement trap for kids. I finally was thinking about what I should have been thinking about. Me and my mother being on our own, I didn’t really think anything of it until one day, it just didn’t make any sense in the slightest. There was a question that just popped in my head for some reason, which was “where is my dad?”
On average, all of my friends and peers had a mom and dad. I don’t really understand why I didn’t come to this conclusion earlier but then again, I didn't understand that much as a child. I have come to know that growing up, it was a struggle for my mother to not have a stable household without a man to lead us. I was wondering, racing through my mind about why my father wasn’t in my life like the other kids had their fathers. Now of course, the media can argue that it is just a black thing. But that is such a superficial thought. It is just a generalized modern thing that fathers think they can just escape what they helped create.
I asked my mom, “What is my dad’s name?” Now I was scared out of my mind to ask her about him.
To my surprise, she responded, right after a sigh, “His name is Russell.”
Now let us be real for a second. I didn’t ask anything after that. I was coming up with a million people that could be my father with the name Russell. I thought of my favorite basketball player, Russell Westbrooke, but he was a few years younger than my mom so that wouldn't make any sense. Now that I think about it, I only thought of celebrities named Russell. I never knew a guy personally named Russell, so I wasn’t so sure. But then again, I didn’t know that much as a child.
So why would my father not stay to see me grow up to be the person I am today? I thought I wouldn’t be able to grow up to be successful without one. But then it hit me like a wrecking ball hitting a building. I didn’t need my father to determine who I could or couldn’t be as a person. Hell, I haven’t even met him for goodness sake. I could finish high school, go to college, get a degree, start a family, and live my life how I had planned. It is like denying the old rumors of allowing a man to run your life. I have gotten this far without him, so why stop now?
I have my stepfather now who has helped my mother with the burden of being on her own. I have also had important father figures throughout my life who have helped me develop the strong character that I stand for. One of them, Boops, has helped me understand my passion in my occupation and knowing what my goal is. So is my father important? Yes, he is important. Because of his absence, I am better off based on my accomplishments and ambitions. So thank you dad, for not being in my life because who knows how I would have turned out. Maybe better, maybe worse. But still, even now, I don't know that much as a child.
So I am glad I asked the questions that needed to be answered. Even if I was as clueless as a cat cleaning himself, I was being prepared for a life that was worth the time and energy. Although I may have turned out to be okay, I want to give my kids their best shot at being great too. I want to make sure they have their parents so that there is no excuse for failure in their own eyes. We are all still children at the end of the day. But then again, children don't understand that much until one day, they just do.
Keijah Curtis is in the class of 2023. She enjoys going to the gym, playing sports, learning new things, and spending time with people close to her. She wants to become a Software Engineer right out of college and enjoy a fulfilling life
On this writing: "This constructed piece was inspired by Tyson, a man who was in my life, who really broadened my eyes on the true values of life. He taught me to take the good with the bad and make light of any situation I am in."