Sinking Florida

By EMMA CASTRO April 1, 2021

BREAKING -- President Biden has issued an executive order to detach Florida from the continental United States. His reasons? Preserving America’s global image, promoting COVID compliance, as well as eliminating the overly-decorated hell known as Disney World.

    “Let me be clear. Florida epitomizes the way America is perceived by the rest of the world: uncivilized, drunk, and tacky. As a nation, we have essentially been trashing our reputation for the past four years. Removing Florida may be the only way to salvage the small amount of dignity we still have.” Biden said in a recent interview with Phil McGraw (colloquially known as “Dr. Phil”).

Biden also expressed frustration over Florida’s failure to comply with COVID guidelines.

“Apparently, the threat of being six feet under was not enough to scare Floridians,” Biden explained. Now, we’ll have to try 20,000.”    

Biden’s plan is to recruit thousands of volunteers to saw along the Florida state line. Federal geologists discovered that the state's porous limestone underpinnings are actually quite brittle, and the that entire Florida peninsula could be detached with a small efford. Once detached, the state will sink into the Atlantic Ocean, and Biden hopes that no one will remember its existence.

Yet improving the nation’s reputation was not Biden’s sole motivation. Even more important in his decision-making process was his desire to eliminate a popular -- and, according to Biden, disgusting -- tourist attraction. “Disney World is a disgrace to this country,” Biden told McGraw. “What kind of sick person chooses to spend half of their salary on mouse-shaped waffles and underwhelming rides? Not to mention that Walt Disney was a racist, anti-semitic excuse for a man. Also, Mickey Mouse is creepy.” 

California politicians have refrained from comments, hoping that Biden will forget that their home state contains Disney Land. 

Biden, an avid cinephile, said he drew his inspiration from an American classic (pictured below).

Detachment will begin on April 1 and is expected to take approximately 48 hours. Volunteers will be rewarded with free Mickey Mouse-shaped corn dogs and bragging rights.