Mr. Maxam, Ninja Warrior

By EMILY GRUNES April 1, 2021

Assistant principal Mark Maxam recently made the exciting announcement that he will be participating in season 12 of the action-packed TV contest American Ninja Warrior in the fall of 2021. Mr. Maxam stated he had been preparing for the opportunity his entire life, and quarantine gave him the chance to get to his optimal fitness level. Mr. Maxam only got into obstacle courses 10 years ago. He first began at the PVC jungle gym where he found that he had exceptional strength and monkey bar skills. Ever since that day he has been committed to his efforts to become the best of the best. “Ever since that day on the monkey bars, I knew I was meant to be a world champion,” he told the Times. 

Yet there is darker side to his story. With sudden seriousness, Mr Maxam explained how, as a young child, he would spend his summers in the misty mountains of rural Japan, where he was initiated into the secret arts of the Ninja. For years, he trained to achieve super-human agility and deadly skills until he was able to wield even every day objects with deadly efficiency. During our interview, Mr Maxam demonstrated his impressive skills by whipping a stapler from his desk around like a nunchaku. Yet his days of training came to an end when a rival ninja clan stormed his Master’s compound and razed it to the ground. 

“I guess I swore revenge, but then life kept getting in the way. Competing on Ninja Warrior seemed like a nice way to get back into things.”  

The final audition trials for the show were held in February, where Mr. Maxam competed with 450 other finalists. He was the oldest one there, but performed in the top twenty fifth percentile, qualifying him to be on the next season of the show. Reportedly, an unusual number of contestants dropped out due to injuries - which, according to hospital reports, included sword cuts, blow-dart poisonings, and throwing-star strikes. Mr Maxam declined to comment on what had happened during qualifications: “I just want to get a positive message out there as the first ever vice principal to compete. It’s a nice way to put Croton on the map, and it’s important for me to show the audience that age isn’t a barrier.”