By Nelson Binggeli, PhD
Assertiveness involves stating your feelings and preferences in direct fashion that does not negate, attack, or manipulate anyone else. Becoming assertive involves three components:
knowing what you want,
believing you have the right to ask for what you want, and
communicating your wants to others effectively and respectfully.
Assertive Beliefs
Prerequisites to assertiveness include:
(1) recognizing your basic rights (and the rights of others); and
(2) modifying unhelpful or mistaken beliefs that encourage passiveness and aggressiveness (see cognitive reappraisal).
Examples of basic rights include the right...
... to state your preferences and ask for what you want.
... to say "no" without feeling guilty.
... to change your mind.
... to make mistakes.
... to have emotions.
Beliefs that encourage non-assertive behavior include: The need for excessive approval; excessive fear of others’ negative reactions; confusing taking care of yourself with selfishness; the illusion that aggression works best.
Assertive Communication Techniques
Assertive communication involves both non-verbal and verbal behaviors. Non-verbal aspects include looking directly at the other person; maintaining an open rather than closed posture; and staying calm. Verbal aspects include the following:
A. Basic Assertion
Basic assertion involves simply standing up for your rights, opinions, feelings, or desires using phrases such as: yes, no, I want, I would prefer, I’d like.
B: Empathic Assertion
In this type of assertion, you preface your basic assertion with a statement that shows that you recognize and understand the other person's position.
Example: “I understand that you want me to go to the party with you, but I must study for a test.”
C: Feelings Assertion
A. Non-judgmentally describe the other person's specific behavior (behavior).
B. Express your feelings (feelings).
C. Make your request (request).
Model sentence: “I feel _______ when you _______. I would prefer _______.”
Example: (To a friend) “When you cancel a date with me on short notice so you can go out with someone else, I don't have enough time to make other plans for the evening. I feel irritated about this and would like to work out an understanding with you about changing plans we've made together.”
Contrasting an Aggressive “You Statement” with an Assertive “I Statement”
Assertive statements often start with "I" and express a feeling or a preference. Angry and aggressive statements often start with "you" and are accusatory. The difference is apparent in these examples:
"You statement": “You piss me off. You never listen to me. You’re an inconsiderate jerk.”
"I statement" (incorporating feelings, behavior, and request): “I feel hurt and angry when I sense that you aren’t listening to me. I would like for us to communicate better.”
D. Escalating and Repeated Assertions
Sometimes you have to deal with people who persist in violating your rights or ignoring your stated preferences. In such cases you can state your position with increasing firmness without becoming aggressive. You may move from a request to a demand or from a preference to an outright refusal.
Example: “I would prefer not to say” to “I insist that we drop the subject.”
Another way of asserting yourself is to simply repeat your assertion until they get the message. This can be done when the other person over-reacts to or ignores your assertion. Try to avoid a “sing-song” or monotonous tone of voice.
Assertiveness: Summary and Recommendations
1. Use assertive non-verbal behavior.
2. Keep your request simple. Avoid asking for more than one thing at a time.
3. Be specific: Focus on specific behaviors, and ask for exactly what you want.
4. Use "I statements." "I statements" show that you are owning your feelings, and are non-accusatory.
5. Object to behaviors, not personalities. (Referring to the specific behavior preserves respect for the other person. Judging another person's personality based on a part of his behavior is unfair and tends to put the other person on the defensive).
6. Don't apologize for your request. You have a right to ask for what you want.
7. Make requests, not demands or commands. Assertive behavior always respects the humanity and rights of the other person.
8. State the consequences of cooperation or of non-cooperation. With close friends or intimate partners, stating positive consequences of their compliance with your request can be an honest offer of give-and-take rather than manipulation.
Last updated: 10.26.14