Post date: Mar 26, 2015 4:25:58 AM
They ask me to do my Pacino impression
Yep! Here's the hash scribe, back out of retirement for one last score. People said I wouldn't know what to do with myself, that I wouldn't be able to resist the life, but I've been keeping busy. Anyway my unreliable buddy from back in the day's just got outta jail, and he assures me this is a sure thing. One and done, in and out, no one gets hurt, no women no kids. And he asked so nice, too.
I've been outta the game for a while, lot's changed, lotta new players, so let's review where the scene's at:
March was the St. Partigras Trail. CUNTHHH and Summit, following Mardi Gras beads and Lucky Charms all over the place with the on-in at a biker bar straight outta True Detective. Trail went through a closed out cemetary where the old gypsy caretaker cursed the pack as we went through. Couple of Swedes from SIPA showed up for trail, and were never seen again.
March 5th Saturday was Blow in the Park's trail. Freezing rain, for the second time in a row. Double Rain-blow! What does it mean! Trail was strewn with random bags of blow pops to keep the pack interested. Drink check was red antifreeze.
April was Gag'em and Cheeky. Started at the Lion's head, and immediately went into CP, leading to a drink check in Riverside park, and an inevitable on-in at Soldier McGee's. I think I RA'ed that circle, but can't recall the details.
May was the Larrikin, which I missed. Whamp Whamp.
June was the hashlympics which I'm not even going to try to Recap. Strippy cups, hash hot tubs, 5 trails, and the phrase 'Dry land is a Myth!' all figured prominently.
July was 10-Dix's on out. We had tons of Visitors, maybe 50 people in the pack altogether? Awesome times. Several drink checks, and by the time we got back I was so drunk I was riding Not in My Hair piggy back style into the on-in at Ding Dong. No circle was had because everyne was way too rowdy to pay attention. Ding Dong realized it had peaked, and shut down forever.
August was Squirty, and BitP, started at the Lion's head, went through the park, for a slightly less antifreezy drink check, and then on to a bar whose name I forget but gives out free burgers with every beer. Holy shit. Thank god for the 2nd street subway construction starving the businesses to the point where they're giving the store away. Let's hope it continues to never be completed!
August's 5th Saturday started out in Brooklyn, hared by Gag 'em and Coney. Trail ran around downtown brooklyn and Gowanus with drink checks at Coney's house and elsewhere, and ended at the Cherry Tree, the Ding Dong of Brooklyn.
September was Cum Test Dummy and Gilden Sac, who led a trail from the Applebee's in Harlem, and while the plan was to have some sort of monster trail, the weather didn't cooperate, so it was postponed till the weather got nice again. Stay tuned!
October was a Type A trail, the 5th Analversary of the CUNTHHH! Trail went out from Hamilton Heights, through Inwood park to the abandoned shanty of a backwoods murderer, where we danced and drank, and then along to the Liffy II bar, and then up a mud hill, and back down to Mi Nido Taverna, the cheapest Cholo bar in Dyckman. CTD negotiated a purchase of 50 beers for the pack of 15 AFTER we'd been drinking for two hours and circle had ended, so we got pretty live. They LOVE us, by the way, the manager gave me his card, so if we're looking to on-in in that neighborhood, we've got a spot.
And that brings us to the job at hand. Writing up Oozie's Birthday trail. This isn't gonna be easy, but my completely unreliable buddy, who has always dragged me down and held me back, but my dumb goomba code of loyalty won't let me cut him loose, swears by his foolproof scheme...
So here goes nothing. Turns out this thing went way above my dumb buddy. We found ourselves cooling our heels for a couple hours. They assembled a crack team, borrowing Jug Stain from our friends in Philly, and to my surprise, longtime backsliders Sir Shaves A Lot, $2 Balls, and Leaky Bladder were all there. They'd all recieved a mysterious phonecall, and new better than to ignore it.
The job was to hit a series of spots in the Gowanus warehouse district. Hit enough places, fast enough, the authorities would be paralyzed, never knew what hit em. Better yet, this was another gang's turf, and all the heat would fall on them. No one told us what we were going to get, and we didn't ask. All we knew was the payoff would be enough to keep us drunk for days. Pack finally set out, and and things went sideways right from the start. We got turned around by a false that led into a no-exit hobo jungle, but eventually found their way through a hole in a gate that led along the edge of the canal. Sneaking behind a billboard, pack found the first drink check, a case of PBR between the NYSD's garbage barge dock, and the Home Depot's dumpster area. Pack gathered up, had their drinks and moved on, scaling a pallete laid against the wall as a makesift ladder, and into the Home Depot Parking lot.
But we weren't done with Big-Box Home improvement retail, no! Trail ran down through the Lowe's parking lot and then through another unlocked gate that led to a dead end. Took us a little while to find the gate however, but once Shaves' nimble buddy scaled the 8 foot fence and jumped off the top to get to the beer we figured out the easy way. Knew there was a reason we brought along a gymnast. Pack hadn't drunk all the PBR at the last check, and found ourselves confronted with even more. We hung out, drank as much as we could and even bombed a few cans across the canal to the walkers but found ourselves again running out with more beers than we came in with. It became clear that the pack was basically drinking negative beers at each stop, and that we had 4 more ahead of us.
Eventually we hefted our garbage sack of loot, hoofed it around the Lowes, and onto the other side of the Gowanus. Didn't have to go far before we found the next drink check, sandwiched between another hobo jungle and a gravel distributor. This drink check was described to us as 'look for the shopping cart with some toilet paper hanging on it.' Bit of an understatement to say that this didn't make things easy. What we eventually found were 40's of more PBR and a bottle of rose spumante. A few rounds of macho cup and we eventually managed to knock down all the booze, despite the fact that the FRB's overshot the DC and never even arrived.
Another short trip, and we eventually found ourselves sneaking through another unlocked gate and around behind some abandoned dockyards and then we arrived at the 4th drink check, inside a falling down, half flooded warehouse. Drink checks had to be earned by giving the Birthday Girl a lap dance, and though we were by this point a little beat down by the drinking and the running, we did our best to comply. After dancing around to the disco ball and sound system the hares set up, we were out again.
Trail, surprisingly enough, didn't go up into the abandoned grain elevator, but did stop right below it in Red Hook Park for a liquored up gummy bear check. Almost immediately after that, behind the IKEA, we found the 6th and (we thought) final check, with multiple nip bottles at some beach chairs by the bay.
And around the corner, the 7th drink check! Irish root beer floats! While we were glad enough to see more booze, the hour, the cold, the miles and the weight of the things we'd done to get to this point were starting to weigh on some of the hashers. We did what we had to and kept going.
We lost a man coming around a corner, but a few belts of whiskey and bite marks on a leather belt later, we'd managed to get most of the rocks out of 2nd Cumming's hand. Trail ended at the Red Hook Bait & Tackle bar. Tons of beer flowed, and tons of muggles were introduced to the hash in as intimate a way as possible, with our asses hanging over their tables. Not content to have gone way negative on drink checks, our hares went all out on the food, buying burritos from some fancy brooklyn joint, and there were birthday gimmies too! House opf Ooze branded birthday coozies! As always trail is fuzziest at this point, but eventually everyone got home with their oozie cooze, safe and sound. Everyone we could trust to keep their traps shut, that is.
Next trail, for all you Thanksgiving Wh-Orphans will be hared by Cum Test Dummy and Cheeky Bastard, and will be hared out of the Amsterdam Restaurant at 119th and Amsterdam. Start is 3pm HST, this Saturday.
And just like that *poof* I'm gone
Type A.