Title

I'm just here to make some music and help out with the fucking.

- Yank Lawson

Youtube links are provided where they exist and the webmaster can be bothered to look for them. Feel free to check them out to get a feel for the songs.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A

Ain't no Pussy When She's Gone

Ain't no pussy when she's gone

It's my hand when she's away

When my dick don't get no service

My dog gets really nervous

Every time she goes away

Ain't no beaver till she's back

I wrap my dick in my Big Mac

I shared my burger with my boss

He said he loved the secret sauce

Everytime she goes away

I jerk I jerk I jerk I jerk I jerk

I jerk I jerk I jerk I jerk I jerk

I can't leave the thing alone

Ain't no pussy when she's gone

Aussies = Bastards

Aussies are all,

Born illegitimate, born illegitimate, born illegitimate

Aussies are all,

Born illegitimate, born bastards through and through

They don't know,

Who their daddy is, who their daddy is, who their daddy is

They don't know,

Who their daddy is, bastards through and through

They ain't got no,

Birth certificate, birth certificate, birth certificate

They ain't got no,

Birth certificate, bastards through and through

The Aussie flag has the,

Union Jack on it, Union Jack on it, Union Jack on it.

The Aussie flag has the,

Union Jack on it, bastards through and through

Are Yinz From Pittsburgh?

Are Yinz from Pixsburgh, I said from Pixsburgh

Where the emphysema rate is so high

Where streets are narrow, like Mia Farrow

And flocks of pigeons shit in your eye.

Are Yinz from Baldwin or Monroeville or from Aspinwall,

Or do Yinz come from South Side witchyer bowlin ball?

Are Yinz from Pixsburgh, I said from Pixsburgh, ’cause we’re from Pixsburgh too.

We know our city, it ain’t so pretty

But so what if we’ve got nothing you need

There’s still Apollo, and Panther Hollow and

Yearly fires on Old Chartiers Creek

And when you die they put your name up on the voting list

And Pirates Baseball's great if you’re a masochist!

Are Yinz from Pixsburgh, I said from Pixsburgh

‘Cause we’re from Pixsburgh too…

‘Cause we’re from Pixsburgh too…

‘Cause we’re from Pixsburgh too…

B

The Bagpipe Song

(To the tune of Scotland the Brave)

Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey,

Who was lifting up her kilty at the Columbia Hash.

(pack does two lines sounding like a bagpipe)

Here's to the jockey with his upstanding cocky,

Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,

Who was lifting up her kilty at the Columbia Hash.

(do two lines sounding like a bagpipe)

Here's to the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,

At the thought of the jockey ...

Here's to the queerie who was leering through his beery,

At the sight of the Yankee ...

Here's to the Harlot turning tricks in the car lot,

To support the queerie ...

Here's to the HASHER who was posing as a flasher,

Hustling customers from the Harlot ..

Here's to the Wenchy doing down-down on a benchy,

Making money for the HASHER...

Now the moral of this ditty is that when in New York City,

And you're with your favorite girlie,

Munching hairs all short and curly,

Just remember to take her hashing and to give her a good bashing,

And keep her away from the Wenchy doing down-down on a benchy,

Making money for the HASHER who was posing as a flasher,

Hustling customers from the Harlot turning tricks in the car lot,

To support the queerie who was leering through his beery,

At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky,

At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky,

Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey,

Who was lifting up her kilty at the Columbia Hash. (bagpipe)

Bananas

(standing with arms stretched upwards, hands touching)

Form! Banana!

Form! Form!

Banana!

(Slowly lowering arms, one at a time)

Peel!

Banana!

Peel! Peel!

Banana!

(Running through circle, spinning and jumping and flailing like an asshole)

Go!

Bananas!

Go! Go!

Bananas!

Beer, Beer, Beer - Audio

A long time ago, way back in history,

When all there was to drink was nothin' but cups of tea.

Along comes a man by the name of Charlie Mops,

And he invents a wonderful drink and he makes it out of hops.

Chorus:

He must have been an admiral a sultan or a king,

And to his praises we shall always sing!

Look what he has done for us he's filled us up with cheer!

Lord bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer, beer, beer

Tiddly, beer, beer, beer.

The Curtis bar, the James' Pub, the Hole in the Wall as well

One thing you can be sure of, its Charlie's beer they sell

So come on all me lucky lads, at 4 O'clock she stops

For five short seconds, remember Charlie Mops 1 2 3 4 5

Chorus

A barrel of malt, a bushel of hops, you stir it around with a stick,

The kind of lubrication to make your engine tick.

40 pints of wallop a day will keep away the quacks.

Its only eight pence ha'penny and one and six in tax, 1 2 3 4 5

(American option: It's twenty-odd bucks for a twenty four pack and 6 percent in tax)

Chorus

Lord bless Charlie Mops!

BOOBIES

B DOUBLE O BIES BOOBIES

BOOBIES

As AND BS AND CS AND DS

WHIPE THEM OUY AND SHOW US PLEASE

Bondi Pier

I was down by Bondi Pier, drinkin' cans of ice cold beer,

With a bucket full of prawns upon my knee,

When I swallowed the last prawn, I'd a technicolor yawn

and I chundered in the old Pacific Sea.

Chorus:

Bring it up, bring it up, bring it up

Bring it up, bring it up, bring it up

Come down and have some prawns and beer with me!

If you want to throw your voice, mate you won't have any choice,

But to chunder in the Old Pacific Sea.

I was sittin in the surf, with a mate of mine named Murph,

Knockin back a cold beer or two or three.

He had barely took a sip,

When he went for the big spit, and he chundered in the Old Pacific Sea.

Chorus

I've had liquid laughs in cars, and I've hurled from moving cars,

I've upchucked when and where it suited me.

But if I could choose the spot to regurgitate the lot,

Then I'd chunder in the Old Pacific Sea.

Chorus

Brother Hashers

(To the Tune of: O Du Lieber Augustin (The More We Get Together) )

Here's to brother hashers,

Brother hashers,brother hashers,

Here's to brother hashers,

May they chug-a-lug!

They're happy they're jolly

They're fucked up by golly!

Here's to brother hashers,

May they chug-a-lug!

Drink it down, down, down down...

Bye Bye Cherry

(To the Tune of – Bye Bye Blackbird) Audio

From the songbook of the 43rd Tactical Fighter Squadron, Elmendorf A.F.B., Alaska

Back your ass against the wall,

Here I come, balls and all,

Bye, bye, cherry!

Won’t your mother be disgusted,

When she finds your cherry’s busted,

Bye, bye, cherry!

Wrap your legs around a little tighter,

I can feel my load is getting lighter,

Shake your ass and wiggle your tits,

Till my little pecker spits,

Cherry, bye bye!

C

Chicken Super Team

(To the Tune of: Penguin Power Team)

CHORUS:

Have you ever seen a chicken super team,

If you look at me, a chicken you will see,

Chicken attention! Chicken begin!

INSTRUCTIONS:

Left wing! (Left wing!)

Left wing! (Left wing!)

Right wing! (Right wing!)

Left wing! (Left wing!)

Right wing! (Right wing!)

Ass out! (Ass out!)

Left wing! (Left wing!)

Right wing! (Right wing!)

Ass out! (Ass out!)

Head bob! (Head bob!)

Left wing! (Left wing!)

Right wing! (Right wing!)

Ass out! (Ass out!)

Head bob! (Head bob!)

Walk about! (Walk about!)

Cougar Song

To the tune of: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

Cougar, Cougar on the prowl

Find a boy and make him growl

Now the cougar's in a cage

Shit! That boy was underage

Cougar, Cougar don't you frown

Now's the time to drink it down,down, down, down...

Cum-Stain

You're stupid! You're stupid!

You're really fucking dumb!

If it wasn't for your mother,

You'd be a stain of cum!

Drink it down down down...

D

Donny the Retard

(To the tune of : Frosty The Snowman)

Donny the retard

Had a big ol' melon head

He was 4'3"

And he said to me

Mnyuh, duh, duh duh duh duh duh!

Dahn Dahn

by Whiff and Moon of Pittsburgh H3

(Tune of: Downtown by Petula Clark)

When you don’t care

If there’s beer in your hair,

You can always do-

a Down Down!

So much fun that

You keep on wearing your hat,

And do another one–

Down down!

It may be Miller Lite,

Honey Brown or Yuengling Porter.

Just don’t take all night

‘Cause our attention spans get shorter…

After a few.

So wait till we

Give you the sign,

‘Cause you can’t raise your glass

‘Til we finish our rhyme…

And then–

Down Down!

Here in the circle where–

Down Down!

you can’t come up for air.

Down Down!

If you do, you must wear your

Down down…down down….down down…

Do Your Balls Hang Low

Do your balls hang low?

Do they swing to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder,

Can you pluck a merry tune

When your balls hang low.

Chorus:

Ting-a-ling, God damn,

Find a woman if you can.

If you can't find a woman,

Find a dirty old man.

If you're ever in Gibraltar,

Take a flying fuck at Walter.

Can you do the double shuffle,

When your balls hang low?

Do your balls hang low?

Do they swing to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Do they make a lusty clamor,

When you hit them with a hammer?

When you ball hang low.

Chorus

Can you bounce 'em off the wall,

Like an Indian rubber ball?

Do they have a hollow sound,

When you drag 'em on the ground?

Do they have a mellow tingle,

When you hit 'em with a shingle?

Do they have a salty taste,

When you wrap 'em 'round your waist?

Do they chime like a gong,

When you pull upon your dong?

Do Your Tits Hang Low

Do your tits hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie them in a knot?

Can you tie them in a bow?

Can you throw them over your shoulder?

Like a Continental Soldier?

Do your tits hang low?

Are your tits real small?

Are they flat just like a wall?

Can you hide them with your hands?

Can you see them there at all?

Would you look just like a male

If it weren't for your pigtails?

Are your tits real small?

Are your tits just right?

Are your blouses kinda tight?

If you had a disagreement,

Could you use them in a fight?

Do the boys perk up

At the sight of your C cups?

Are your tits just right?

Are your tits not real?

Did it take them long to heal?

Are they silicone

or saline filled?

Do the boys hearts race

when you shake them in their face?

Are your tits not real?

The Doggies' Meeting

(To the Tune of: God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen)

The doggies held a meeting,

They came from near and far,

Some came by motorcycle,

Some came by motorcar.

Each doggy passed the entrance,

Each doggy signed the book,

Then each unshipped his arsehole,

And hung it on the hook.

One dog was not invited,

It sorely raised his ire,

He ran into the meeting hall

And loudly bellowed, "Fire!"

It threw them in confusion,

And without a second look,

Each grabbed another's arsehole

From off another hook.

And that's the reason why, sir,

When walking down the street,

And that's the reason why, sir,

When doggies chance to meet,

And that's the reason why, sir,

On land or sea or foam,

He will sniff another's arsehole,

To see if it's his own.

Dough-Ray-Me Audio

(To the tune of Do-Re-Mi)

Dough, the stuff that buys me beer,

Ray, the guy who sells me beer,

Me, the guy who drinks the beer,

Far, a long long way for beer,

So, I'll have another beer,

La, la, la la la la la!

Tea, no thanks, I'm having beer,

That'll bring us back to, Down Down Down Down Down!

DUI

Tune of: Jingle Bells

Suckin down a beer, feelin’ pretty loose

Just killed off a fifth, we’re running out of booze.

I got Grandma’s keys, let’s go for a ride

Oh what fun it is to get so drunk that you can’t drive!

Oh! DUI, DUI, life is just a game.

Oh what fun it is to ride in someone else’s lane.

Oh! DUI, DUI, throw up on the dash.

We’d go to the liquor store but we ain’t got no cash!

Sliding ‘round the curve, in Grandma’s Cadillac

She won’t even notice, if we don’t bring it back (SHE’S OLD!)

Look at all the sparks, flashin’ from the side

That guard rail sure is close, I think we’re gonna die!

Oh! DUI, DUI, Fearless guys are we

Someone roll the window down, I really gotta pee.

Oh! DUI, DUI, ride up on the curb

Hit that asshole on the sidewalk, it’s too late to swerve!

Riding through the town, running every light

And if someone talks some shit, we’re gonna start a fight (That’s right!)

We would stop for breakfast, but we just hit a truck

Grandma’s got insurance, so we don’t give a fuck

Oh! DUI, DUI, cops are on our ass

Watch me push ‘em off the road as they begin to pass

Oh! DUI, DUI, now we’re goin’ to jail

Someone better call Grandma so she can post our bail

E

El Camino

¡El! ¡Camino!

¡El-El Camino!

¡El! ¡Camino!

¡El-El Camino!

¡The front is like a car!

¡The back is like a truck!

¡The front is where you drive!

¡The back is where you -

¡El! ¡Camino!

¡El-El Camino!

Four and Twenty Virgins

Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness,

And when the ball was over

There were four and twenty less.

Chorus:

Singin’ balls to your partner

Arse against the wall

If you don't get buggered on Saturday night,

Then you’ll never get buggered at all!

Verses:

The village vicar he was there, in his long black shroud.

Swinging from the chandelier,

and pissing on the crowd.

The village leper he was there, sitting on a log.

Peeling off his foreskin

and feeding it to the dog.

Farmer Francis, he was there sickle in his hand.

And every time he swung his scythe,

He circumcised the band!

The queen was in the parlor, eating bread and honey.

The king was in the chaimbermaid,

And she was in the money!

Fuck a Duck

(To the tune of "Do Re Mi")

Fuck a duck, a female duck

Screw a baby kangaroo

Fingerbang an orangutang

Let an elephant do you

Feel the penis of an eel

Whack the asshole of a yak

Masturbate with a gnu

And that brings us back to

Down Down Down down down

G

GANG BANG

(All verses are played out like a knock-knock joke)

CHORUS:

I love a gang bang, Oh yes I do,

‘Cause a gang bang makes me feel so good.

When I was younger, and in my prime,

I used to gang bang all the time,

But now I'm older, and turning gray,

I only gang bang twice a day.

Leader: Knock-knock

All: Who’s there?

Leader: Ida

All: Ida, who?

Leader: Ida want another gang bang!

Optional Verses:

Ranger,

Arranger for best entry …

Oliver,

All of her clothes were off …

Dolly Parton

Dolly's partin' her thighs …

Yurin

Yurin for sloppy seconds …

Tijuana

Tijuana bring your mother to …

Kissinger

Kissinger great, but fuckin her's better ...

Picasso

Picasso pick vag, it's all the same at the...

Orange

Aren't you glad you’re ...

Aspen

I spend too much time at the ...

Irish

I wish we were ...

I did up

I did a poo and grossed out everyone at the...

Shelby

She'll be sore after ...

Police

PPPPPlease take me to ...

Platypus

Plenty O puss ...

Howard

How were the tits ...

Extinct

It stinked like fish ...

Maybell

Maybe she'll do us all ...

Ilene

I leaned her over the couch ...

Heada

Had a lot of sex ...

Shirley

Surely you got laid ...

Ima

I'm a glad we had this …

Eisenhower

I's an hour late for ...

Gladiator

Glad he ate her out before ...

Dixie

My dicks erect ...

Kenya

Can ya give me directions to the..

Abbott

I bet you won't be alone at the...

Charlie Pryde

Charlie pried her legs apart at the...

Give Me a Moose Audio

(To the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike")

When I was a young man I used to like girls,

I fondled their breastses and played with their curls,

But me girlfriend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,

You'd never get treatment like that from a Moose!

CHORUS:

So it's Moose, Moose, give me a Moose,

I've never had anything quite like a Moose,

I've had many lovers, my morals are loose,

But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!

ALTERNATE CHORUS:

For it’s moose, moose, I love a moose,

I've never had anything quite like a moose,

My life has been merry, My women been loose,

But nothing compares to the love of a moose.

Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,

I go to me stables and gets me some hay,

I opens me window and spreads it around,

'Cause Moose always comes when there's hay on the ground!

Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,

I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,

I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,

But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!

I've fucked lots of critters with fur and with tails,

I've even tried fucking some human females,

All of God's creatures have borne my abuse,

But there's none of them takes it so good as a Moose

A gorilla's all right for a Saturday night,

And lions and tigers puts up a good fight,

But it just ain't the same when they slams your caboose

As the feeling you gets when you humps with a Moose!

I went out to the desert, a moose for to find

I only found Camels, I near lost my mind

A camel reminds me of moose just a bit

But a Moose always swallows, while a Camel just spits

Women like pearls and diamonds and cars,

I spend all my money on them in the bars,

But a moose is content to be tied to a tree,

While I find other mooses to satisfy me,

I've tried many beasties on land or on sea

I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me!

Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose

But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose!

Woodchucks are all right except that they bite

And foxes and rabbits won't last thru the night!

Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce

But you never need worry should you find a moose!

Step in my study, and trophies you'll find

A black striped tiger and scruffy maned lion

You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth

And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose!

The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six

Machine guns and tigers I've proved do not mix

The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse

But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose!

I've found many women attracted to me

A few of them have had me over for tea

Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose

But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!

Now I've broken the laws in this god-awful state

They've put me in prison and locked up the gate

They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose

So my last request was a sexy young moose!

Then I'll go to heaven, as my soul soars away

I'll show up at the gates with a bale of fresh hay.

And when they inquire as to my randy grin,

Well I'll wind up in hell, humpin Mooses agin!

Glorious Beer - Audio

Now I won't sing of sherbet and water

For sherbet and beer will not rhyme

The workingman can't afford champagne

It's a bit more than five cents a time

So I'll sing you a song of a gargle

A gargle that I love so dear

I allude to that grand institution

That miracle tonic called beer, beer, beer.

Chorus:

Beer, Beer, glorious beer

Fill yourselves right up to here

Drink a good deal of it; make a good meal of it

Stick to your old fashioned beer

Don't be afraid of it, drink till you're made of it

Now all together, a cheer

Up with the sale of it, down with a pail of it

Glorious, glorious beer.

It's the daddy of all lubricators

The best thing there is for the neck

Can be used as a gargle or lotion

By persons of every sect

Now we know who the goddess of wine was

But was there a goddess of beer?

If so, let us drink to her health, boys

And wish that we'd just got her here, here, here.

Chorus

Other random verses:

So up, with the brandies and sodas

But down, down down with the beer

It's good when you're on a diet

You can eat it without any fear

Glorious, Victorious

Drunk last night

Drunk the night before

Gonna get drunk tonight

Like I've never been drunk before

Cause when I'm drunk I'm as happy as can be

Cause we're all part of the Hash House family

Oh the Hash Family

Is the best family

To ever come over

From Old Germany.

There's the High Hash Drunks

There's the Low Hash Drunks

There's the Rotterdam Drunks

And the other damn drunks

CHORUS:

Singing Glorious, Victorious!

One keg of beer for the four of us.

Singing Glory be to God that there are no more of us,

Cause one of us could drink it all alone

Damn near, pass the beer, to the rear,

of the Hash House

Oh what's that smell on the evenin' breeze?

It's the God-damned Dutch

Makin' Limburger cheese!

When God made the Irish he didn't make much,

But they're a damn sight better

Than the God-damned Dutch!

Verses:

There are no real hashers by the Bay

There are no real hashers by the Bay

Cause they're all a bunch of queers

Who get drunk on half a beer

There are no real hashers by the Bay!

There are no real hashers in Manhattan

There are no real hashers in Manhattan

Cause they run too fucking far,

The only beer is at the bar!

There are no real hashers in Manhattan

There are no real hashers in Brooklyn

There are no real hashers in Brooklyn

Cause they don't know how to fuck,

And they sound like Donald Duck!

There are no real hashers in Brooklyn

There are no real hashers in the Bronx

There are no real hashers in the Bronx

Cause shots near means shots fired,

Sure hope that you're not tired!

There are no real hashers in The Bronx

There are no real hashers in New York

There are no real hashers in New York

Cause there's shiggy all around,

But they never leave the fucking town!

There are no real hashers in New York

There are no real hashers in the CUNTHHH

There are no real hashers in CUNTHHH

They sing a lot of songs, drink from flamingo bongs,

But the CUNTHHH only runthhh onthhh a monthhh!

There are no real hashers in the CUNTHHH!

There are no real hashers in the Navy

There are no real hashers in the Navy

They paddle round on little boats,

Making love to sheep and goats!

There are no real hashers in the Navy

There are no real hashers in New Jersey

There are no real hashers in New Jersey

Cause there's Shiggy on the hash

But it's New York City's trash

There are no real hashers in New Jersey

There are no real hashers in Rumson

There are no real hashers in Rumson

There's no wimmin at their hashes

So they bugger each other's asses

There are no real hashers in Rumson

God Bless My Underpants

(To the tune of "God Bless America")

God bless my underpants,

Brand that I love,

Stand beside them,

And ride them,

Between my buns

when I bike, or I run.

From the waistband,

To the legholes,

To the piss flap,

Wet with piss,

God bless my underwear,

They look like this.

Drink it down, down, down, down...

Grandfather's Cock - Audio

My grandfather's cock was too long for his pants,

And it dragged several feet on the floor.

It was longer by half than the old man himself,

And it weighed near a hundred-weight more.

He was hard on the morn of the day he was born.

It was always his joy and his pride.

But it drooped, shrank, never to rise again

The day the old man died.

Drink it down, down, down, down,

H

The Harriette

Oh, the nipples on her tits are as big as my thumb

And the wiggle in her ass would make a dead man cum

She's a cool motherfucker

She's a great cocksucker

She's a har-ri-ette.

Has Anyone Seen My Cock?

Some folks like a pussy, a budgie or a tit

Some take up with a Spaniel pup

That fills up the house with [woof, woof] shit

Myself now I keep chickens

And I've a favorite one

He's Dick my little cockerel

And I don't know where he's gone

Chorus:

Has anyone seen my cock

My big Rhode Island Red

He's mostly pink with a little bit of blue

And purple on his head

He stands straight up in the morning

And he gives my wife a shock [scream]

Has anybody seen, anybody seen

Anybody seen my cock

He's a stiff necked little upstart

And I've known him all my life

He's my pride and pleasure

And a torment to my wife

Sometimes he's magnificent

And sometimes small and thin

But he puffs up like a pigeon

When you tickle him under the chin

Chorus

He’s got two great waddles hanging down.

The best you’ll ever find

Madam you may stroke him,

If you feel that way inclined.

But be careful not to tease him,

For though he’s very shy,

If he gets excited,

He will spit right in your eye.

The Hash House Harrier

To the tune of The British Grenadier

Some die of constipation, and some of diarrhea,

And some of masturbation, and some of gonorrhea,

But of all the world’s diseases, there’s none that can compare:

To the drip, drip, drip, of the syphilitic prick of a Hash House Harrier

The Hasher-man

I know a hasher man

Hung like a Pringles can

He's good with everything from lips, hands, on-down, oh baby--

But when he shoots his goo

prematurely, he is through

Bring me another hasher man!

Heineken!? - Audio

Heineken (Schmeineken)!

Fuck! That! Shit!

Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!

Hello Penis

(To the tune of Sound of Silence)

Hello penis my old friend,

I've come to play with you again,

When those wet dreams come a-creeping,

I spurt my seeds while I am sleeping,

And with your helmet firmly planted in my hand, It will expand,

While jerking off in silence.

Female Version

He's Got a Dose of Clap

(To the tune of He's Got the Whole World In His Hands)

He's got a dose of clap on his dick,

He's got a dose of clap on his dick,

He's got a dose of clap on his dick,

And all it does is drip, drip, drip...

Drink it down, down, down . . .

(S)He's the Meanest

He's the meanest,

He sucks the horse's penis!

He's the meanest,

He's a horse's ass.

Ever since he found it,

All he does is pound it!

He's the meanest,

He's the horses ass,

Drink it down down down down

Hey Genessee

by Krusty the Meat Miser

(tune of: Hey Jealousy)

Tell me do you think it'd be all right

For me to shotgun a beer or five

'Cause you can see I'm way too sober

And the beer that's left's not cold

Yet you know the beer that's left is bad

Some of the worst I've ever had

If I hadn't drank the good beer days ago

Then I might not drink alone

Tonight I need to find some beers to pound

So I'm buying cream ale rounds

The good beer's gone but Genny might be found to take its place

Hey Genessee

His Foreskin

(To the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean")

His oneskin hangs down to his twoskin,

His twoskin hangs down to his three!

His threeskin hangs down to his foreskin,

His foreskin hangs down to his knees!

Roll back, Roll back,

oh roll back that foreskin for me, for me!

Roll back, Roll back,

oh roll back that foreskin for me!

Drink it down, down down down...

Hot Vagina

(To the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad")

Hot vagina for your breakfast!

Hot vagina for your lunch!

Hot vagina for your dinner,

Just munch munch munch munch munch!

It's so tasty and delicious,

Bite sized, ready to eat!

So grab your chick

Give her a lick

Hot vagina can't be beat!

Drink it down down down...

I

I Don't Want to Join The Army - Audio

I don't want to join the army,

I don't want to go to war,

I'd rather hang around Picadilly Underground,

Living off the earnings of a hhhhhh - igh born lady.

I don't want a bullet up me arsehole,

Don't want me bollocks shot away,

I want to stay in England,

Jolly, jolly England,

And fornicate me bloomin' life away, cor blimey . . .

Chorus: Call out the Army and the Navy,

Call out the rank and file,

Call out the members of the old home Guard,

They'll face danger with a smile!

Call out the members of the Guards Brigade,

They'll keep England Free

Call out me mother,

Me sister and me brother,

But for God's sake,

Don't call me, gor blimey!

Monday I touched her on the ankle,

Tuesday I touched her on the knee,

On Wednesday, I confess, I lifted up her dress,

Thursday I lifted up her silk chemise,

Friday I put me hand upon it,

Saturday I gave it just a tweak (Tweak! Tweak!)

And Sunday after supper, I stuck the old boy up 'er,

And now she gets me forty bob a week, gor blimey.

Chorus

I don't want to be a soldier,

Don't want to join the fighting class,

I just want to go down to old Soho,

Pinchin' all the girlies on their shoulder blades,

Don't need to see the Queen's Dominion,

London's full of girls I've never had,

I'd rather live in England,

Merry, merry England,

And follow in the footsteps of my Dad, that bastard!

Chorus

(Harrette's Version:)

I don’t want to be a housewife

I’d much rather be a whore

I’ve love to turn some tricks

Involving twelve-inch pricks

House work can be such a bore (gorblimey!)

I don’t want to do his fucking laundry

I don’t want to cook his fucking food

And if I’m gettin’ laid

I should be gettin’ paid

Otherwise I’m only getting screwed

I'm Your Mailman (aka "The Mailman Song")

To the tune of: Bye, Bye Blackbird

When I'm walking down the lane

Each one says please come again

I'm your mailman.

Bang your knockers, ring your bell,

Gee I really think you're swell,

I'm your mailman.

I can come in any kind of weather,

That's because me bag is made of leather.

I don't need no keys or locks,

I can slip in your box,

I'm your mailman.

When I'm walking down the road

Gee, I'd like to drop me load

I'm your mailman.

Make you happy, make you gay,

That's why I come twice a day

I'm your mailman.

Each one says she wants me to deliver

Each one wants as much as I can give her.

So if you're feeling sad and blue

I've got something good for you

I'm your mailman.

I've Only Half A Brain

(To the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain")

I could wile away the hours,

Searchin’ hills for flour,

Across a wide terrain. (repeat)

I’d be chipper, and I’d be cheerful,

If my stomach had a beerful,

‘Cause I’ve only half a brain. (repeat)

With my arms and legs akimbo,

I’ll be chasing after bimbos,

Through mud, thorns, and rain. (repeat)

I’ll be making lots of passes,

As I fondle all their asses,

‘Cause I’ve only half a brain. (repeat)

Chorus:

I’ll down-down till the keg starts to spit,

Then I’ll fire one up and take a little hit,

I’ll impress the women with my charming wit,

As I shout out, "Show us your tits!"

Then my beer I will be sharing,

With them as their breast they’re baring,

Our urges unrestrained. (repeat)

Oh, our language will be rude as,

We exchange bod-i-ly fluids,

‘Cause we’ve only half a brain.

If Your Girlfriend Tastes Like Shit

(To the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It")

If your girlfriend tastes like shit, flip her over.

If your girlfriend tastes like shit, flip her over.

If your girlfriend tastes like shit,

It's her asshole, not her clit.

If your girlfriend tastes like shit, flip her over.

I Love My Girl

I love my girl

Yes I do yes I do

I love her truuuuuu-ly

I love the hole

She pisses through

I love her tits

(Her lily white tits!)

her nut brown aaa-asshole

I'd eat her shit

(Gobble gobble chomp chomp!)

With a rusty spoon.

(With a rusty spooooooooon!)

Drink it down down down

In Mobile - Audio

(To the tune of "She'll be Comin' Round the Mountain"

Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile,

Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile,

Oh, the eagles they fly high,

And they shit right in your eye,

It’s a good thing pigs don't fly in Mobile.

In Mobile, in Mobile,

In Mo- in Mo- in Mo- in Mobile,

Oh, the eagles they fly high,

And they shit right in your eye,

It’s a good thing pigs don't fly in Mobile.

Oh, the vicar is a bugger in Mobile...

And the curate is another,

And they bugger one another in Mobile.

The seagulls fly around the lighthouse in Mobile...

And they use it as a shite-house,

Now the lighthouse is a whitehouse in Mobile.

There's a man by the name of Hunt in Mobile...

Who thought he had a cunt,

But his balls were back to front in Mobile.

There's a man by the name of West in Mobile...

Who thought he had a breast,

But is balls were on his chest in Mobile.

Oh, the girls wear flowered undies in Mobile...

And they take them off on Sundays,

You should see the boys on Mondays in Mobile.

There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile...

But there are keyholes in the doors,

And there are knotholes in the floors in Mobile.

Oh, the parson is perverted in Mobile...

And his morals are inverted,

There's a thousand he's converted in Mobile.

It's a Small Dick After All

(To the tune of "It's a Small World")

Well it ain't too long and it ain't too thick

It gets hard too slow and it comes too quick

It qets lost in her twat, but it's all that he's got

It's a small, small dick!

It's a small dick after all

It's a small dick after all

Always limp from alcohol

It's a small small dick.

Drink it down down down

It's a Wide Cunt After All

(To the tune of "It's a Small World")

Well it ain't too small and it ain't too tight

If you look down there you'd get quite a fright

You could fall in that vagina bout halfway down to China

It's a wide cunt after all!

Its a wide cunt after all,

Its a wide cunt after all,

Makes your cock feel about this small

Its a wide wide cunt!

Drink it down down down

Twelve Inch Hard-On

(To the Tune of: I’m Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover)

I’ve got a start on a twelve-inch hard-on

That I’ve had all afternoon.

Went to the doctor, she told me to cough,

I wish that she would whack it right off!

So come to me Venus, massage my penis,

And shrivel it like a prune,

‘Cause I’ve got a start on a twelve-inch hard-on

That I’ll probably have,

That I’ll probably have,

That I’ll probably have till June.

J

Jesus Saves - Audio

(To the tune of: "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

CHORUS:

Free beer for all the hashers;

Free beer for all the hashers;

Free beer for all the hashers;

Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves!

Verses:

Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's nailed up on the cross;

Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's nailed up on the cross;

Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's nailed up on the cross;

Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves!

Chorus

Ladies love Jesus 'cause he's hung like this (spread out arms);

Jesus don't need flour 'cause he lays the trail in blood;

Don't give your beer to Jesus 'cause he'll turn it into wine;

Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's only got 12 friends.

Jesus can't go hashing, he's got shiggy on his head.

Jesus can't go hashing 'cause his wood is just too big.

Jesus can't go hashing 'cause his dad knows all the checks.

Just Got Out of Prison

(To the tune of: "Lookin' out My Back Door")

I just got out of prison,

My asshole's still a-fizzin'

Thinkin' bout the friends I made back home on cellblock 4

They raped me in the showers,

It musta been for hours

Now there's goo, goo, goo runnin' out my back door.

Memories of gangrape

My asshole getting slammed

As they took a ride, deep inside my chute

(doot doot doot)

Sex without permission

My AIDS is in remission

And there's goo goo goo runnin' out my back door

K

Killin' the Baby Seals Audio, or this, maybe

(To the Tune of - That Good Old Mountain Dew)

Way up north where the wind blows cold,

People up there ain't got no gold

That's the way we makes our livin'

Off the seal skins we sold.

Me I like the killing, because I find it so fulfilling

And I hate to see a baby seal grow old.

CHORUS:

You don't club a baby seal 'cause you want a meal

You do it just cause you want to hear those little fucker squeal.

You bash 'em on the head, and you do it just for kicks

And you poke out their eyes with your eye-pokin' sticks!

(Two - Three - Four)

My daddy was a little mean, my mama was a bit obscene,

Maybe that's the reason for the way that I feel.

You might not believe me, but my woman wants to leave me

So I guess I'll take it out on a baby seal.

The Liberals want to lock me up because I kill the seal pups

And tie their fur up into little bales.

I know that it won't be long 'til all the baby seals are gone

So I guess I'll just start wiping out the whales.

Slice 'em, dice 'em, roto-till 'em, chop 'em up or just plain kill 'em,

Their fur comes off with just one easy peel (RIP, RIP, RIP)

People, people don't you cry cause I know that when I die

I'll be coming back as a baby seal. . . .

The Kiss of Fido

To the tune of: The Sound of Silence

Hello there my furry friend

I've come to play with you again

It seems I'm on another dateless night

I brought some peanut butter; please don't bite

Cuz your tongue, is so much softer than my fist

I can't resist

The gentle kiss of Fido Male Version

L

The Lady of the Manor

(To the Tune of: Ghost Riders in the Sky)

The Lady of the Manor was dressing for the ball,

When she saw the village tinker tossing off up against the wall.

Chorus:

With his rare old kidney wiper and his balls the size of three

and a yard and a half of foreskin,

fiveskin,

sixskin!

hanging down below his knee.

Siphil-aiyyyeeeeeaaaaa Siphil-aiyyyooooo

Muff divers in the sky.

So She wrote to him a letter, a letter she did write,

saying "I'd rather be had by you sir than his lordship any night"

With your rare old kidney wiper and your balls the size of three

and a yard and a half of foreskin

hanging down below his knee.

Siphil-aiyyyeeeeeaaaaa Siphil-aiyyyooooo

Muff divers in the sky.

The tinker got the letter, and when it he did read

his balls began to fester and his prick began to bleed

Chorus

So he mounted his white charger, the finest in the land

with his foreskin cross his shoulder and his pecker in his hand.

Chorus

Now he rode up to the manor, he rode up to the hall,

"God save us" cried the butler 'He's come to fuck us all!'

Well he fucked them in the bedrooms and he fucked them in the hall,

and he even fucked the pictures that were hanging up against the wall

He fucked the upstairs maid, he caught her on the stairs

he fucked her till the friction set alight her pubic hairs

He went down to the kitchen, for the cook now was his goal

There he unrolled his mighty rod and jammed it in her hole.

And then he caught the downstairs maid, and fucked her in the hall

But when he fucked the butler 'twas the cruelest fuck of all

And then he fucked the lady, in ten minutes she was dead,

With his yard and a half of foreskin wrapped around her head

The tinker he is dead now, I'm sure he's down in hell,

And there he fucks the devil and the devils wife as well.

Chorus

Yipeeeeiyyyaaaaa yipeeeeiyyyooooo

foreskins in the sky.

Last Night I Stayed At Home and Masturbated

(To the Tune of: Funiculi, Funicula)

Last night I stayed at home and masturbated

It felt so good, I knew it would.

Last night I stayed at home and masturbated

It felt so nice, I did it twice.

You should have seen me on the long strokes

Straight up and down, straight up and down

You should have seen me on the short strokes

Tickle the crown, tickle the crown

Whack it, smack it

Bounce it off the floor.

Wrap it 'round the bedpost

Slam it in the door!

There are lots of people who think fucking is so great,

As for me I think I'll stay at home and masturbate!

Drink it Down Down Down Down!

The Lehigh Valley

Don't look at me that way mister,

For I didn't shit in your seat.

I just come down from the mountains

And my balls are covered with sleet

I was down in the Lehigh Valley,

Me and my ol' pal Lou,

A'pimpin for a whorhouse

and a goddamn good one too.

It was there that I met me Nellie,

And she was the village belle.

I was a cheap panhandler

but I loved that girl like hell

Then come a city slicker,

So handsome neat and rich.

And he stole my precious Nellie,

That stinkin' sonofabitch!

I'll just be restin my ass awhile,

And then I'll be on my way.

Cause I'll catch that runt that stole my cunt

If it takes till judgement day!

Down Down Down

The Little Bird

Little Bird There was a little bird,

No bigger than a turd

And he sat upon a telegraph pole.

He stuck out his little neck,

And he shat about a peck

As he puckered up his little asshole. Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole,

As he puckered up his little asshole.

The Little Pig Song

(Clarke Van Ness, music by F. Henri Klickmann)

'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober,

I was stumbling down the street with drunken pride,

When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,

And a pig came up and lay down by my side.

Then I lay there in the gutter thinking thoughts I oughtn't utter,

Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say:

"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"

Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Chorus

Walked away, walked away,

He was really too particular to stay.

"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"

Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Down the street there came a clatter, and a gentle pitter-patter,

As a pair of goats along the gutter ran;

And it seemed that Billy knew me, for he quickly drew up to me,

While his wife munched on an empty sardine can.

Then again my pulse did flutter, and my heart was soft as butter;

Till the Nanny goat, unto her mate, did say:

"William dear, your social status don't include men such as that is,"

Then the goat got up and slowly walked away.

Chorus:

Walked away, walked away, He was really too particular to stay.

"William dear, your social status don't include men such as that is,"

Then the goat got up and slowly walked away.

The Lobsterman

"Oh, Mister Lobsterman, I ask thee,

Have you got a lobster you will sell to me?"

Chorus:

Singing hi-diddly-ai, shit or bust,

Never let your bollocks dangle in the dust.

Verses:

"Yes sir, yes sir, I have three,

And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to thee."

So I took the lobster home, but I couldn't find a dish,

So I put him in the pot where the missus takes a piss.

In the middle of the night, as you well know,

The missus got up for to have a heave ho.

Well, the missus gave a groan, and the missus gave a grunt,

Now she got the bloody lobster swinging from her cunt.

The missus grabbed the brush, and I grabbed the broom,

And we chased the bloody lobster all around the room.

We hit it on the head, we hit it on the side,

We hit that bloody lobster until the bastard died.

Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it,

Always take a look before you take a shit.

That's the end of my story, there ain't no more,

There's an apple up my arsehole, and you can have the core.

Down in Nagasaki the monkey fucked the cat,

And all the cat could do was fuck the monkey back.

Drink it down, down, down, down

Love Me Tender

Love me tender

Love me sweet

Wrap your lips around my meat

Watch me quiver

Watch me grin

As my cum runs

Down down down down...

Lupe

Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike

'Twas down in cunt valley where red rivers flow,

Where cocksuckers flourish and maidenheads grow,

'Twas there I met Lupe, the girl I adore,

She's a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore.

Chorus:

She'll fuck you, she'll suck you, she'll tickle your nuts,

And if you're not happy, she'll suck out your guts,

She'll wrap her legs round you till you want to die,

But I'd rather eat Lupe than sweet cherry pie.

When Lupe was a young girl of just about eight,

She'd swing to and fro on the back garden gate,

The crossmember parted, the upright went in,

And since then she's lived in a welter of sin.

Chorus

Now Lupe is dead and she lays in her tomb,

The worms crawl around in her decomposed womb,

The smile on her face, well, it says "Give me more,

I'm a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore."

M

The Mayor of Bayswater -Audio

The Mayor of Bayswater,

He has a randy daughter,

And the hairs on her dickie-di-doe,

Hang down to her knees.

(Chorus)

And the hairs, and the hairs,

And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe,

Hang down to her knees.

One black one, one white one,

And one with a bit of shite on,

And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe,

Hang down to her knees.

Verses:

Her hairs were so tangled

Her firstborn was strangled

I’ve smelt it, I’ve felt it,

It feels like a yard of velvet.

I she were my daughter,

I’d have her cut them shorter.

I stroked ‘em and poked ‘em,

I rolled ‘em and smoked ‘em.

You’d need a coal miner,

To find her vagina.

The aroma it lingers,

It smells like fish fingers.

It was always hit-or-miss,

Whether I could find her clitoris.

I know cause I've seen them,

I've been up and in between them

It's tied up just like a parcel,

From her navel down to her arsehole

Meet The Hashers

(To the tune of the Flintstones Theme)

Hashers, meet the Hashers

They're the biggest drunks in History!

From the (Insert Hash here)

They're the leaders in Debauchery!

Half-minds, trailing shiggy through the years,

Watch us, as we down a lot of beers!

Down down,

Down, down downdown

Down down down down down down down down down!

Menage a Trois

(To the Tune of Menamenah) Audio

Menage a Trois!

You two should do me!

Menage a Trois!

You two should do me!

Menage a Trois!

You two should do me, should do me, should do me, should do me,

do de do do do do do!

Mrs. Murphy

Hold it in your hand, Mrs. Murphy

It only weighs a quarter of a pound

It's got a wrinkly neck just like a turkey

And it spits when you jerk it up and down, down, down, down....

My DNA

(To the Tune of YMCA)

Young girl, I love it when you go down

I said young girl, put your knees on the ground

Young girl, make your lips full and round

And you'll make me so happy

Young girl, your dress is so blue

I said young girl, wanna spray it with spooge

So just lay there

And I’ll try to be kind

If it gets in your eye you’re blind

Squirt-Squirt-Squirt-Squirt

I want to spray you with my D-N-A

I want to spray you with my D-N-A

Just a present of mine I give to all of the girls

I hope you like to wear pearls…

My Favorite Things

~written by I Am Cumstain and Just Emily w/ help from Cum Test Dummy, Jug Stain

Trails of deep shiggy with plenty of flour

Ice-covered beers, be there in an hour.

Ends in a circle where everyone sings.

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pack's lost,

When the thorns sting,

When the beer is gone.

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I just say On-On!

My Girlfriend is a Vegetable

Chorus:

My girlfriend is a vegetable,

She lives in a hospital.

But I would do most anything,

To keep my girl alive-oh.

She's got no arms or legs,

Just a set of wooden pegs.

But I would do anything,

To keep my girl alive-oh.

She's got her own TV,

it's called an EKG.

Just last week for a joke,

I pulled her plug and watched her choke.

She's really pissed with me,

'Cos I crushed her colostomy.

I used to love to watch her strip

Now she lives on IV drip

She can't scream and she can't sigh

But I still fuck her all the time

She has a broken leg...

So we'll let her guard the Keg.

If her ankle's broke in two

let's just melt her down for glue..

She has no arms or legs,

She looks like a pony keg.

My girl has long blond hair,

It's in patches here and there.

I'm always guaranteed a blow,

Because she can't say no.

She may be all brain-dead,

But she still spreads her legs.

She can't get out of bed,

Still she can give me head.

She has no feet or hands,

Her head's connected with rubber bands.

She might not live the night,

That means she won't fight.

My girl lives in an iron lung,

But she can still give real good tongue.

My girl has leprosy,

Parts always land on top of me.

She has a tracheotomy

There's another hole for me

She had an episiotomy,

That's another, bigger hole for me.

She can't hear, she can' t see,

But she's got an oral cavity.

My Leakin' Arse - Audio

(To the tune of "Your Cheatin' Heart":)

My Leakin' Arse

Has let me down

It couldn't wait

for my trousers down

So now I've got

Shoes full of shit

My leakin' arse

Didn't help one bit

With trousers down,

The deluge came.

It spread around

I cursed my name.

It's all over the floor

Some's on the cat

My leakin' arse

Destroyed the mat

My leakin' arse

Like my eyes does weep

When I get beer

And tacos to eat.

I clench my cheeks

And heave and strain

But my leakin' arse

Explodes again

My Name is Jack

My name is Jack

na-na-na na-na na-na!

I'm a necrophiliac

na-na-na na-na na-na!

I fuck dead women

na-na-na na-na na-na!

And fill them with jism

na-na-na na-na na-na!

I get frustrated

na-na-na na-na na-na!

When they're cremated

na-na-na na-na na-na!

Try as I must

na-na-na na-na na-na!

I can't fuck dust!

na-na-na na-na na-na!

My name is Gus

I'm incestuous

I fuck my brother

And sometimes my mother

But I won't cry

When they both die

Cause Just like Jack

I'm a necrophiliac!

My Name is Earl

And I dig up little girls

I take them back to my home

And then I make sure we're alone

Then I stick it in their eye-hole

Cause that's how I roll!

Me llamo es Emilio

Y yo soy necrophilio

Jack es mi amigo

And to the graveyard we go

We dig up ladies corpses

And ride 'em like horses

But I don't get frustrated

When they're cremated

Dust lubricates my junk

And helps me last before I spunk

My Shaft of Fire

By: Sperm Bank, Stickley Bunz, THFKAD of the Halve Mein HHH

Where: NYS Thruway, en route to Ithaca HHH "Back to Camp" Weekend.

When: Friday, September 12th, 2003

With apologies to the late, great Johnny Cash.

(To the Tune of: Ring Of Fire)

Once I knew a girl

For fifty bucks, she'd rock my world

She went to Cornell

Tuition's high, her cunt she'd sell

And she went down, down, down, upon my shaft of fire

Down, down, down, with lips of pure desire

And I went spurt, spurt, spurt

My shaft of fire, my shaft of fire

Then, I went down on her

Between her thighs, some downey fur

A recent toss with a past lover

Made her taste like used rubber

And I went down, down, down, upon her ring of fire

Down, down, down, deep in her vaginer

And she came, came, came

Her ring of fire, her ring of fire

Soon, she mounted me

Her tits were swinging free

We played her favorite game

She screams her Daddy's name

And we fucked, fucked, fucked, upon this bed of fire

Fucked, fucked, fucked this girl that was for hire

And then we slept, slept, slept

Cause we were tired, yes we were tired

My Sister Belinda - Audio

Melody - To Cielito Lindo

Ai, yay-yay-yay,

Si, si, señora,

My sister Belinda,

She pissed out the winda

All over my brand new Sombrero! (or any other random spanish word)

(insert any random limerick, por ejemplo:)

There once was a Bishop from Puno

Who said "There is one thing I do know

Little girls are all right

Little boys are too tight

But the Llama is numero uno!"

Repeat until circle mutinies. Some others:

There once was a man from Racine

Who invented a fucking machine

Concave or convex,

it would serve either sex,

But, oh! What a bastard to clean!

There once was a girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her cherry'd been broken,

By riding a bike

Down a cobblestone pike,

But it had really been broken from pokin'!

There was a young man from Rangoon

He was born nine months too soon.

He lacked the luck

To be born by a fuck,

And was scraped off the sheets with a spoon!

A young trollop named Lysistrata's

A habit of giving head gratis.

We hear her enthuse:

"I give thanks to Zeus

That my mouth's not as loose as my twat is!"

There once was a man named Kent

Whose cock was so long it was bent

To stay out of trouble

He'd stick it in double

Instead of cumming he went!

N

Nancy Brown

(tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain")

Way out in West Virginia lived a gal named Nancy Brown.

You ain't never seen such prettiness in any bar in town.

Oh, she lived up in the mountains, oh, she lived up in the mountains,

Oh, she lived up in the mountains, mighty high.

And she is a sweet maiden, not a bit contaminated,

She's as pure as the West Virginia sky.

Now there came a local Cowboy, with his guitar and his song.

He took Nancy up the mountain, but she still knew right from wrong.

She came rolling down the mountain, she came rolling down the mountain,

She came rolling down the mountain, mighty high.

And she stomped that Cowboy's urgin', she remained the village virgin,

She's as pure as the West Virginia sky.

Now there came the local Deacon, he was righteous and he was kind.

He took Nancy up the mountain, but she still could read his mind.

She came rolling down the mountain, she came rolling down the mountain,

She came rolling down the mountain, mighty high.

And they see that there Deacon never got what he was seekin',

He's as pure as the West Virginina sky.

Now there came the City Slicker, with his thousand-dollar bills.

He put Nancy in his Packard and drove off in them there hills.

Oh, she stayed up in the mountains, she stayed up in the mountains,

She stayed up in the mountains all the night.

She came down next morning early as a tramp and worldly girly,

And her mother kicked the hussy out of sight.

Now to end our little ditty, we find Nancy in the city,

And by all accounts she's doing mighty swell.

For she's wining and she's dining, and she's on her back reclining,

And those West Virginia skies can go to hell.

But there came the Great Depression, caught our Slicker by the pants.

He had to sell his Packard, and give up his little Nance.

So she went back to the mountains, she went back to the mountains,

She went back to the mountains, mighty sore.

Now the Cowboy and the Deacon get the thing that they were seekin',

Cause she's nothing but a West Virginia whore.

Nellie Darling

(Tune of: I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Wiener)

Well your ass is like a stovepipe, Nellie Darling,

And the nipples on your tits are turning green,

There’s a thousand flies buzzing round your pussy,

You’re the dirtiest fucking bitch I’ve ever seen.

There’s a yard of lint protruding from your navel,

When you piss, you piss a stream as green as grass,

There’s enough wax in your ear to make a candle,

Why don’t you make one and show it up your ass?

Oh your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon,

And you ingrown toenails exude a pus-y cream,

Your nose hair’s long enough to braid in curls,

You’re every CUNTHHH hasher’s fucking dream!

New York, New York

(tune of the New York, New York)

Start passing the booze; I'm drinking today.

Where can I really savor it? -- New York, New York.

The next beer to choose; a bar tab to pay.

Will twenty dollars cover it? -- Not in New York!

Don't want to pass out in a city that doesn't sleep,

Or find I'm stuck with the bill -- I'm really cheap.

These big city brews, they made me this way.

I have to pee all over it. -- In old New York.

If I can drink it there, I'll drink it everywhere!

So here's to you: New York, New York!

No Balls at All

(tune of the Colonel Bogey March)

This one, has only got one ball.

This one, has two but very small

Him there, has something sim'lar

But this one, has no balls at all!

Drink it down down down...

The North Atlantic Squadron

Chorus:

Away, Away, Away we go with a fife and a drum,

Here we come, full of rum,

looking for women to pat on the bum

In the North Atlantic Squadron!

Verses:

The Captain's wife was Mabel,

By god she was quite able,

She gave the crew their daily screw,

Upon the galley table,

The cabin boy, the cabin boy,

A cunning little nipper,

He lined his ass with broken glass,

And circumcised the skipper.

The ladies of the nation

Arose in indignation,

They stuffed his bum with chewing gum,

A smart retaliation.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,

The whole crew did him over,

They ground and ground that faithful hound,

From Singapore to Dover.

The Captain's randy daughter,

She fell into the water,

Delighted squeals revealed that eels,

Had found her sexual quarter.

‘Twas on the China Station,

To roars of approbation,

We sunk a Junk with a load of spunk,

By mutual masturbation.

The Second Mate's name was Carter,

By God, he was a farter,

When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship wouldn't go,

Carter the farter would start her.

The cook's first name was Herbert,

An astronomical pervert,

He fed the crew on menstrual stew,

And jacked off in the sherbet.

The first Mate's name was Wiggun,

By God, he had a big 'un,

Twice Round the deck, thrice round his neck,

the rest was used for riggin

The third mate's was Andy,

By God, that man was randy,

We boiled his bum in red-hot rum,

For coming in the brandy.

The Fourth Mate's name was Morgan,

A homosexual Gorgon,

A dozen crow in rows could pose,

Upon his sexual organ,

On the trip to Buenos Aires,

We rogered all the fairies,

We got the syph at Tenneriffe,

And a dose of clap in the Canaries.

Another cook was O'Mally,

He didn't dilly dally,

He shot his bolt with a hell of a jolt,

And whitewashed half the galley.

The Captain was elated,

The Crew investigated,

The found some sand in his prostrate gland,

He had to be castrated.

Another Mate's name was Paul,

He only had one ball,

But with that cracker he'd roll terbaccer,

Around the cabin wall.

The Boatswain's name was Lester,

He was a hymen tester,

Through hymens thick he'd shove his prick

And leave it there to fester.

The engineer was McTavish,

And young girls he did ravish,

His missing tool's at Istanbul,

He was a trifle lavish.

A poofter was the Purser,

He couldn't have been warser,

With all the crew he had a screw,

Until they yelled, "Oh, no sir."

'Twas in the Adriatic,

Where the water's almost static,

The rise and fall of arse and ball,

Was almost automatic.

The ship's cat's name was Schmitty,

His hole was black and shitty,

But shit or not it had a twat,

The Captain showed no pity.

So now we end this serial,

Through sheer lack of material,

We wish you bums all freedom from

Diseases venereal.

O

The Old Brown Cow

Melody – The Old Gray Mare

The old brown cow went *pfft* up against the wall,

*Pfft* up against the wall,

*Pfft* up against the wall,

The old brown cow went *pfft* up against the wall,

And the wall was covered in shit! Shit! Shit!

The Old Department Store - Audio

I used to work in Chicago,

At the old department Store

I used to work in Chicago,

And I don't work there anymore!

I woman asked me for a hammer,

A hammer from the store...

A hammer she wanted, nailed she got!

I don't work there anymore...

(The verses then repeat for as long as people can keep coming up with bad sexual puns. There are a literally ludicrous amount of them out there: i.e. Harddrive/RAMmed, Screen Door/Slammed, or if you're a harriette Canoe/Little Man in the Boat, Model Plane/Landing Strip. Making your own verses up is highly encouraged.)

O'Leary's Balls

The balls of O'Leary, are wrinkled and hairy.

They're shapely and stately, like the dome of St Paul's.

The women all muster, to view that great cluster,

Oh they stand and they stare, at the bloody great pair,

Of O'Leary's Balls!

Our Lager

Our Lage

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At the hash

as I am in taverns.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those

who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the Beer,

The Bitter, and the Lager,

Barmen.

O, Canada! Audio

(to the tune, O, Canada!, obviously)

O Canada,

We really love your land

Despite all those who say that you are really bland

Your snow and icy streams are nice

You gave us ice hockey

Play your cards right,

Canada, and you could follow Hawaii!

O Canada,

We really think you're great

Just ditch the French and you could be a state!

P

Puff The Magic Tampon

(To the Tune of Puff the Magic Dragon)

Puff the Magic Tampon

Lived between her knees

And frolicked in that awful mist

In the land of yeast and cheese

Puff the Magic Tampon

When he first took the plunge

Made a splash inside her gash

And swelled up like a sponge

Little Jackie's pecker

He loved that rascal Puff

He'd fuck til his little head got red

He couldn't get enough

Then one day it happened

Puffy sprang a leak

But don't complain,

you sleazy bitch,

He's been up your box a week!

Oh, Puff the Magic Tampon

Lived between her knees

And frolicked in that awful mist

In the land of yeast and chese

Puff the Magic Tampon

Was thrown in a garbage can

And got recycled as fiber in...

Kellogg's Raisin Bran.

Q

R

Raw, Eat it Raw - Audio

(To the tune, "Roar, Lion Roar")

When the bold, teams of old, wore the blue and white

Deeds of fame, made their name, here at old Columbia

Nowadays, we can't raise, more than half their score

See the lion, lose his pride, while the men of Morningside

Bet on the spread, against Columbia...

Raw, Eat it Raw!

And suck the nipples off a whore named Sally,

Fight on for Knickerbocker beer,

While the sons of bitches roam the alleys of,

Columbia, Columbia!

If it has hair, we'll eat it

Raw, eat it raw!

For Alma mater is a fucking whore!

Roar Dartmouth Roar,

And wake the echoes of your frozen waste land!

Fight on, for drunkenness and frats,

While the drunken halfwit alcoholics practice

Sodomy! Bestiality!

If it has wool they'll fuck it!

Roar Dartmouth Roar,

And pass out naked on a barroom floor!

Roar Cornell Roar,

And take a flying fuck in Lake Cayuga!

Fight on, for farmers evermore,

While the hayseed apple-knockers learn about

Alfalfa seeds! And cattle breeds!

And Hotel Administration!

Roar Cornell Roar,

And show your parents what a gorge is for!

Roar Quakers Roar,

We all know you are the scourge of Philly!

Fight on, for empty headed jocks,

While the high-school seniors consider you

A safety school! And laugh at you!

If they apply they're desperate!

Roar Quakers Roar,

You're the Ivy School we all ignore!

Roar Bruno Roar,

It takes a microscope to find Rhode Island!

Fight on for lameness evermore;

All the sons of Bruno taking seminars

On Spider-Man, and Raisin-Bran

If it's pass/fail we'll take it!

Roar Bruno Roar,

Your co-eds are big ol' bunch of whores!

Roar Princeton Roar,

And breathe pollution from the Jersey Turnpike

Fight on, for country clubs galore,

While admissions staff, is keeping out

Minorities! and Poverty!

If he's not white don't take him!

Roar Princeton Roar,

And reject anyone who's parent's are poor!

Roar Harvard Roar,

And sing in that atrocious Bahston accent

Fight on for assholes clad in tweed

While you fuck each other up the

Derrier! Drinking Perrier!

MIT geeks have more fun

Roar Harvard Roar,

And pardon me, but have you Grey Poupon,

No?! FUCK YOU!

Rawhide

(To the tune, obviously, of "Rawhide Theme")

Rollin', rollin', rollin,

My dick is gettin' swollen,

I need to get my pole in, Rawhide!

My knob is hard as leather,

And I'll stick it in whatever,

Just wish IIIIIIIIII could get the tip inside,

I stab but I keep missin',

This wasn't made for pissin',

I'm waiting for this year's first ride.

CHORUS:

Pull 'em down, get 'em off,

Get 'em off, pull 'em down,

Pull 'em down, Get 'em off, Rawhide.

Stick it in, pull it out,

Pull it out, stick it in,

Stick it in, pull it out, Rawhide.

S

Sally in the Alley

Sally in the alley, siftin' cinders

Hikin' up her skirts and fartin' like a man!

The blast from her ass blew out six winders,

The cheeks of her ass went Blam! Blam! Blam!

Drink it down, down down...

Scotland's Depraved

Bring out the Whiskey, Mother,

I'm feeling frisky, Mother,

Bring out the sheep for I'm so lonely tonight;

Bring out the sheets of rubber,

Whips, chains, and peanut butter,

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Bring out my little sister,

You'll see how much I've missed her

Bring me a sheep to keep me warm through the night

Bring out my little brother,

He'll be my perfect lover

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Nanny goats don't make it, Mother,

They just can't take it, Mother

Bring out the sheep for I'm so lonely tonight

Bring out the preacher's daughter,

You'll see how much I've taught her

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Bring out my favourite fellow,

Bring out the cherry jello

Bring me a sheep to keep me warm through the night

God knows I really wanna,

Bring out the greased Iguana

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Bring out my little poochie,

We'll do the hootchie-cootchie

Bring out the sheep for I'm so lonely tonight

God knows I wanna disco,

Bring out the butter Crisco

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Bring out the chimpanzees-es,

We'll give them our diseases

Bring me a sheep to keep me warm through the night

Bring out the platypuses,

They've got a thousand uses

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Call out the Glasgow bobbies,

We'll teach them brand new hobbies

Bring out the sheep for I'm so lonely tonight

Dollies inflatable,

With morals debatable

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Bring out a Bengal Lancer,

Dressed like a belly dancer

Bring me a sheep to keep me warm through the night

Bring out the PVC pipe

That gerbil looks like my type.

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Bring out the chains and leather,

Bring out the ostrich feather,

Bring out the sheep for I'm so lonely tonight

Bring out my Uncle Neddie,

Clad in a tartan teddie

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

Swine, donkeys, sheep and cattle,

I'll make their jawbones rattle

Bring me a sheep to keep me warm through the night

I'm as horny as a klaxon,

I'll even take a Saxon

England's a buggar, but Scotland's depraved.

The Sexual Life of the Camel - Audio

The sexual life of the camel,

Is stranger than anyone thinks,

At the height of the mating season,

He tries to bugger the Sphinx,

But the Sphinx's posterior sphincter,

Is plugged by the sands of the Nile,

Which accounts for the hump on the camel,

And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty-bum.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty-bum.

Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye.

The sexual life of the ostrich, is hard to understand,

At the height of the mating season,

It buries its head in the sand.

And if another ostrich finds it,

Standing there with its ass in the air,

Does it try to give it a jump,

Or doesn't it bloody-well care?

Chorus

The sexual life of a bullfrog is hard to comprehend,

At the height of the mating season he tries to eat out his friend.

But his friends vile orifice is filled with gases and slime,

Which accounts for the bullfrog's green color and why he says "ugh" all the time.

Chorus

In the process of civilization,

From anthropoid ape down to man,

It is generally held that the navy,

Has buggered whatever it can.

Yet recent extensive researches,

By Darwin and Huxley and Hall,

Have conclusively proven that the hedgehog,

Cannot be buggered at all.

Chorus

We therefore believe our conclusion,

Is incontrovertibly shown,

That comparative safety on shipboard,

Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone,

Why haven't they done it a Spithead,

As they have at Harvard and Yale,

And also at Oxford and Cambridge,

By shaving the spines off the tail?

It was Christmas Eve in the harem,

The eunuchs all standing there,

A hundred dusky maidens,

Combing their pubic hair.

When along came Father Christmas,

Striding down the marble halls,

When he asked what they wanted for Christmas,

The eunuchs all answered, "Balls!"

Oh, the old men were having a birthday,

Standing at the bar,

Thinking about the old times,

Thinking back so far.

When along came a youthful maiden,

By Christ she was so fair,

When she asked what they'd like for their birthday,

The old men all shouted, "Hair!"

My name is Cecil,

I come from Leicester Square,

I wear open-toed sandals,

And a rosebud in my hair.

For we're all queers together,

Excuse us while we go upstairs,

For we're all queers together,

That's why we all go out in pairs.

My name is Basil,

My friend's name is Bond,

When we go out together,

They call us Basilden Bond.

For we're all queers together,

Excuse us while we go upstairs,

For we're all queers together,

That's why we go out in pairs.

I went for a ride on a crosstown

And found I had to stand,

A little boy offered his seat,

So I went for it with my hand.

For we're all queers together,

Excuse us while we go upstairs,

For we're all queer together,

That's why we go out in pairs

She's Got Big ol' Boobies

Well she's got big ol' boobies

Like the porno movies

And she can suck a golfball

Through a garden hose

And she shaves her beaver

And I'll never leave her

Just get her drunk

And anything goes!

Drink it down down down down

She's a Harriet

To the tune of "The Lumberjack Song"

She is a Harriette and she's OK

She fucks all night and she drinks all day!

She runs the trail in high heels,

But no panties or a bra

She give the greatest blowjobs,

Just like my dear Papa!

Shitty Hare

To the tune of "Living on a Prayer"

Whoa-oh! The trail wasn't there!

Whoa-oh! You're a shitty hare!

I checked for chalk,

The ground was ba-re!

Whoa-oh you're a shitty hare!

You're a shitty hare!

Down down down

Shit, Damn!

Shit! Damn! Fucking damn, fuckindamndamn!

Some motherfucker done fucked my man.

I'll find another fucker better than that other fucker

Shit! Damn! Fucking damn, fuckindamndamn!

Shitty Trail

To the tune of the "Mickey Mouse Club Theme"

S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L

Shitty Trail! (It Sucked)

Shitty Trail! (Totally Fucked)

I'd rather drink my beer than run your shitty trail

S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L

The Shortest Down-Down Song Ever

AAAAAaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww....

DRINK!

Since You Been Gone

(To the tune of "Sine U Been Gone")

*work in progress*

Started out you were always here,

Never hared, drank all the beer,

Yeah Yeah,

But since you been gone

The blocked cocks and attention whoring

Your lame jokes and boring stories

Yeah Yeah,

But since you been gone

We would never hear you say,

"Next rounds on me!"

We all wished you'd go a-way

And since you been gone!

Hashcash lasts for the first time!

The virgins come back! (Yea! Yea!)

We thought we'd lucked out

But here you are now

Since you been gone

Drink it down down down

Some Die Of Drinking Water

Some die of drinking water, (or: Some die of hepatitis)

And some of drinking beer, (or: and some of gonorrhea)

Some die of constipation,

And some of diarrhea.

But of all the world's diseases,

There's none that can compare,

With the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick

Of a Hash House Harrier

When he goes forth in battle,

His weapon in his hand,

The lasses fall like cattle,

There's none can make a stand.

But when the campaign's over,

It's then he feels so queer,

With the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick

Of a Hash House Harrier

And when he does retire,

To take his well-earned rest,

There burns an ancient fire,

To do what he does best.

And yet, the truth is bitter,

There's one thing he does fear,

It's the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick

Of a Hash House Harrier

I like the girls who say they will,

And I like the girls who won't.

I hate the girls who say they will,

And then they say they won't.

But of all the girls I like the best,

I may be wrong or right,

Are the girls who say they never will,

But look as though they might.

Someone's in My Sister's Vagina - Audio

(To the tune of "Working on the Railroad")

Someone's in my sister's vagina

Someone's in my sister I kno-o-o-ow

Someone's in my sister's vagina

Humpin' like a dynamo.

Dinah won't you blow (me!)

Dinah won't you blow (me!)

Dinah won't you blow (me!)

Dinah won't you blow my ho-o-orn!

Dinah won't you blow (me!)

Dinah won't you blow (me!)

Dinah won't you blow (me!)

Dinah won't you blow my horn!

Suck My Balls

(To the tune of "It's a Small World")

Well we're out on trail

But the outlook's bleak

______ is haring another week

It's hard to be on when the flour is gone

______ can suck my balls!

______ can suck my balls!

______ can suck my balls!

______ can suck my balls!

(s)he can suck my balls!

SWEET VIOLETS

(To the tune of "Sweet Violets")

CHORUS:

Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,

Covered all over from head to toe,

Covered all over in SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

My father was a coal miner,

A coal miner that he was.

Sometimes he'd shovel up coal dust,

And sometimes he'd shovel up...

My brother was a pilot,

A pilot that he was,

Sometimes he'd land on the runway,

And sometimes he'd land in the...

My wife, she died on the toilet,

She died of a horrible fit,

And to satisfy her last wishes,

She was buried in six feet of...

My father went to the woodshed,

Some wood he wanted to split,

But when he grabbed hold of the handle,

He found it was covered with...

Phyllis Quat kept a sack in the garden,

I was curious I must admit,

One day I stuck in my finger,

And pulled it out covered in...

I sat in a gold lavatory,

In the home of the Baron of Split,

The seat was encrusted with rubies,

But as usual the bowl contained...

My brother he worked in a sewer,

Some lamps they had to be lit,

One evening there was an explosion,

And my brother was covered in...

Phyllis Quat took a bag to her boy-friend's,

But the paper was old and it split,

Now the boyfriend and Phyllis have parted,

For the bag was packed quite full of...

Well, now my song is ended,

And I have finished by bit,

And if any of you feel offended,

Stick your head in a bucket of...

T

That Ain't Fresh - Audio

That ain't fresh

That ain't fresh

Smells like a hot summer day in Bangladesh

You may think you're doing fine but my friend you've crossed the line

That ain't fresh

That ain't fresh

That ain't fresh

That ain't fresh

Smells like a putrid zombie's rotting flesh

You may be a beauty queen but you smell like my latrine

That ain't fresh

No that ain't fresh

They Were Only Playing Leapfrog - Audio

One young hasher-man jumped right over another young hasher man's back

And another young hasher-man jumped right over that other young hasher man's back

And a third young hasher-man jumped right over those other two hasher men's backs

And a fourth young hasher-man jumped right over the other young hasher men's backs

They were only playing Leapfrog,

They were only playing Leapfrog,

They were only playing Leapfrog,

When one young hasher-man jumps right over another young hasher men's back

U

Untitled Harriet Song

(To the Tune of "I Will Survive")

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,

When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!

But I've been through so many hashers just hoping they were long,

That I grew strong, and I knew I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie,

I was hungry for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry!

I can't believe you tried to hide your little spout,

Did you think I wouldn't notice when it started to fall out?

Go on now go, walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches, then show up with only 4!

What a wank to think that I wouldn't find you out,

Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,

When I saw your little pecker standing small and proud!

But to hell with all your egos and forget about your needs

From now on I'll get all my lovin' from a cordless multispeed.

or you could go down, down down down down...

V

W

Walking Down Canal Street

I was walking down Canal street

I knocked on every door

Goddamn son of a bitch

I couldn't find a whore

I finally found a whore

She was rather thin

Goddamn son of a bitch

I couldn't fit it in

I finally got it in

I worked it all about

Goddamn son of a bitch

I couldn't get it out

I finally got it out

It was wet and sore

Goddamn son of a bitch

Don't fuck with New York whores!

Two weeks later

I couldn't take a piss

Goddamn son of a bitch

She gave me syphilis!

I went to the doctor

To ask about the sores

He said "You stupid bastard,

don't fuck with New York whores"

Walking in the Woods

(To the tune of The Old Hundredth)

As I was walking through the woods,

I shat myself, I knew I would,

I cried for help, but no help came,

So I shat myself again!

As I was walking through St. Paul's,

A vicar came and grabbed my balls,

I cried for help, but no help came,

So he grabbed my balls again!

As I was lying in the grass,

Some bastard rammed it up my ass,

I cried for help, but no help came,

So he rammed it up my ass again!

Way Down in Barcelona Audio

Way down in Barcelona,

Where the ladies learn to knit

A lady stuck her needle in,

Another lady's tit,

Said the governor to the lady,

You're here to learn to knit,

And not to stick a needle in,

Another lady's tit.

Chorus:

Mañana, Mañana,

Mañana is good enough for me.

O - lè!

Way down in Barcelona,

When the builders build a wall,

A builder bounced a boulder on,

Another builder's balls,

Said the governor to the builder,

You're here to build a wall,

And not to bouce a boulder on,

Another builder's balls.

Chorus

Way down in Barcelona,

Where the miners shovel coal,

A miner shoved a shovel up,

Another miners hole,

Said the governor to the miner,

We're here to shovel coal,

And not to shove a shovel up,

Another miners hole.

Way down in Barcelona

Where ladies learn to swim

A lady put her finger up

Another lady's quim

Said the governor to the lady

"We're here to learn to swim

Not to put our fingers up

Another lady's quim"

Was It You?

(spoken)

Audio

Was it you that did the pushin'?,

Put the stains upon the cushion?,

Footprints on the dashboard upside down?,

Was it you, you sly woodpecker?,

Got into my girl Rebecca?,

If it was, you better leave this town.

Yes, Twas I that did the pushin',

Put the stains upon the cushion,

Footprints on the dashboard upside down,

But ever since I had your daughter,

I've had trouble passing water,

Guess that makes us even all around.

When It's Hog Calling Time in Nebraska

(To the tune of Red River Valley)

When it's hog-calling time in Nebraska,

(repeat until forced to stop)

Then it's hog-calling time in Nebraska!

Who's Got Wiener Breath

Who's got wiener breath?

You got wiener breath!

Who's got wiener breath?

You got wiener breath!

Suckin' that ding-a-ling (ding-a-ling-a-ling)

Suckin' that ding-a-ling (ding-a-ling-a-ling)

You been slobbin' that knob like corn on the cob,

Suckin' that ding-a-ling! (ding-a-ling-a-ling)