Post date: Oct 19, 2011 2:04:16 PM
In the summer of its second year, the CUNTH3 hashed in the Macomb's Dam
neighborhood of the Bronx. Over the next three hours, it stopped for beer 4
times, and then it separated.
First they came for Fulton Street Fishmarket, and I did not speak out
because I was not a mobster. Then they came for Williamsburg and the
Village, and I did not speak out because I was not homeless and/or strung
out on smack. Then they came for Times Square, and I did not speak out
because I was not a crack whore. Finally they came for Yankee Stadium, and
there were no dirtbags left to speak for us.
Yes, apparently the Yuppies have crossed the river. The contagion has
reached the mainland! What ought to have been the first whistle-wetter of a
5 stop hash ended up being a bar that didn't serve alcohol in the morning.
Anyway, fuck Steinbrenner's black soul down in baseball hell, fuck Guiliani,
and fuck the yuppie breeders and their styrofoam padded kids who must be
protected from sex alcohol and all other manners of fun.
Despite finding myself across state lines the morning of the hash I managed
to make it to the start right on schedule, 20 minutes late. Assembled was
Cumstain, Jun Bug, Second Cumming, Makes His Own Gravy, Free His Willy, and
from New York, Just Dave and A lil' Dirty, and from random ass other places
Bouncing Boobs, Just Ben, Captain Jack Swallows, Pack began heading north,
crossing the Concourse back and forth and then ending up in scenic, used
condom-strewn Franz Siegel park. After running straight up a head-high
wall, and sneaking through the woods, they ended up looking for pack marks.
Trouble was
, some local kids got to them first. Considering they were on the ground
about 5 minutes before being defaced, I can only say it's nice to know that
some things in New York never change. Eventually the pack figured out where
they were supposed to go, and after a quick check at a garbage truck
dispatch station to punish those who like to hang back while others do the
work, the Pack ended up in a gazebo in sunny sandy Macombs Dam Park, where
beer wenches Jun Bug and Second Cumming provided (heavily) dyed beer and
lukewarm water to the assembled pack.
From there it was down the Major Deegs and across the river, past the Harlem
View motel (View was of a project's brick wall, but all the windows were
blacked out, so I guess it evens out.) to a water stop. Unfortunately the
throbbing mob was far too dehydrated and took the water fountain to the left
and the water park to the right for another mirage, so they went straight up
cliff face they decided to put Jackie Robinson Park on. Pretty straight
shot from there to THE TACO CHECK! Arrriba! (shoots pistols in the air, and
strokes his pancho villa mustache) pew! pew! The two people behind the
counter didn't know whether to spit or shit nickels when 11 sweaty gringos
in various modes of undress rolled up and began demanding beer and tacos
before the noon hour. Having already had my taco, and being well acquainted
with what a pain in the ass this pack of asses was to provide for I ditched
them for the waitress to babysit.
Pack then moved down the Washington heights hill, then back up, then up
again, then down, then due to some bad marking almost up a fence and down a
30 foot drop, then up again then down. At this point there would have been
some choice shiggy, but the city had picked that day to send their one
weedwhacker through. As it was everyone still came out covered in stickers,
so alls well. A quick jaunt down a rickety collapsing stairway "resented"
by the Fighting New York Bases-ball Giants stung up with chains at ankle
level, the pack came upon a veritable urban eden, free of cops and traffic,
full of lush vegetation, a gallon jug of slightly cooler beer, and the
mingled stenches of urine and death. There were also a group of old
Hispanics playing checkers because it was a summer weekend and we were north
of 130th.
From there the pack took a straight shot past the Tenenbaum house, where the
quote I'd scrawled on the pavement was so many pearls cast before swine, at
least the ones who'd put the effort forward not to shortcut. I swear, you
can lead a horticulture....
Trail ended at Free His Willy's where Stain did the RA'ing honors. Visitors
were called in, and body parts and wits were flashed. I drank for being
late to my own party, excessive checks, I think the weather, and a bunch
else. Booze Wenches and Willy got MVP for saving the day at the last
minute. At some point the beer ran dry so Willy brought out Tullamore Dew
and Patron, further cementing his MVP status, and from there it gets fuzzy.
Someone got it into their heads that the guy in the "South Africa" hat with
a funny accent was Australian, so a round of "Illegitimate Aussies was sung
for the hell of it. That guy, Just Ben ended up getting named "Cums in a
Box" for his general Ken Doll physique. I wasn't there because half the
pack split up for what turned out, the next morning to be a very ill advised
double header up in Ft. Washington.
I'd tell you about it, but you kindof had to be there. Literally. All I
remember is dancing to "Shout" and then waking up with broken glass in my
feet and every muscle in my left thigh wrenched. I think I got in a beer
bottle breaking contest with someone from the BFM hash.
That is all.
Upcumming is Camp Weenaupauckahashee, in beautiful upstate New York, the
weekend of 8/21. Give your hasher a taste of independence, fresh air and
the countryside at our sleepaway funtime camp! Activities include bug
juice, canoeing, macrame, ghost stories, flipcup, bug juice, soapbox derby,
sailing, woodcraft, bug juice, cookouts, bug juice*, and a Hashlympics
talent show where your special little hasher will get to let their freak
flag fly. So give the gift of memories that will last a lifetime!
(No statement about the enjoyability or worthwhile nature of Camp
Weenaupauckahashee can be considered binding or remotely true. By reading
this sentence you have released Camp Weenaupauckahashee from all liability
and indemnity with respect to any trauma, mental physical or sexual your
hasher undergoes or inflicts while in our care. By NOT reading this
sentence you also release us from any responsibility. Pay in advance. No
refunds.)
*Bug juice supplies are limited. Expect bug juice to be replaced by a
beverage of the Camp Administrator's choosing without warning.