Post date: Oct 19, 2011 2:05:00 PM
Well, the hashlympics was a long time coming, originally planned for last
September, but got tornadoed out, and then was bookended this year by a full
week of rain and a hurricane, but we finally made it happen.
Boy, did it ever happen.
Pack gathered at Lazer's friend Just Devon's house on the edge of beautiful
Bear Mountain Park, New York. Also in attendance were Just Darlene, Jun
Bug, I am Cumstain, Second Cumming (first removed) with Just Mel and Burning
Sensation visiting from Summit, and CUNTHHH's newly named hashers (more on
that later) Hard Licker and Teacher's Pet, nee Just Lucy and Just Ann.
Trail was hared by Lazer and Teacher's Pet. Since this was a gang of
die-hard dead-enders, chalk talk was eschewed in favor of a quick
benediction and blessing of the hares, and a few singalongs while we waited
for them to head out. Trail headed out and down past the sushi and pizza?!
place and into the park, although the pack lost some time finding trail in
the open field. A few YBF's (which basically sent the pack out and around
and then up the exact same trail) later, and we arrived at the first game
check.
Father Abraham was the name of the game, and also the father I guess. Maybe
the sons too, the song doesn't say if Abraham is his first name or last...
Anyway! Hashers waited their turn to get strapped into the various
pedometers, which measured and quantified their spastic flailing, and then
freak the fuck out while the rest of the pack looked on and sang. Hard
Licker ended up victorious, with around 180 clicks during a 30 second verse,
despite my dominant (and completely unrepeatable) first run of 230. Not
wanting to get hit with a littering fine, we smashed the cans (this will be
important later) stuffed them in the pedometer bag, and headed off.
Trail went across the road, down a drainage gully, along a ravine and then
up the wall to the next event, Dizzy Bat. A start on clearing a runway was
made, but since every log moved turned up old broken bottles and pull-tab
cans we eventually decided to leave well enough alone. The course was laid
out, according to USATF regulations, from a pile of deer poop to a random
tree in the distance, and the hashers decided to go tourney style. Among
other notable events I ran half the course distance at a right angle to the
actual course, Jun Bug ended up knocked in a pile of leaves and probably
poop, and I can't remember anything else so how about this just because?
Despite the fact, or perhaps because, I was the only one who'd watched
Intacto before impairing myself and sprinting through the woods, I ended
up victorious, squeaking a victory out of Teacher's Pet.
After a bunch of back and forth YBF's that left me running around the next
stop, to the great amusement of everyone else who had actually found it 10
minutes back, we gathered for the final event of the hash proper, the
Archery competition. Beers were chugged, Beers were stacked, and that was
about the end of it, at least if you were to ask the beers. Yes the rubber
bands proved almost as useless as the aim of a drunken hasher, as the few
cans we'd managed to plink had the rubber bands bounce off harmlessly.
Burning Sensation ended up winning by the cunning stratagem, surely to be
studied by devotees of the sport for years to come, of hucking rocks at the
cans instead, while me and Stain got started a Caber Tossing competition
that became a Caber Lifting and Dropping Slightly Forward of Where You Were
Standing Competition. I'd like to say we were better than bad. I'd like
even more to say we were good. But that would be hyperbole of the worst
sort. We did manage to smash a beer can flatter than anyone had have
thought possible, wreck the fuck out of the log the cans were on but not
budge the cans and managed to not even break a toe in the process!
From there it would have been up and over the mountain to get back home, but
Stain was pretty sure that those chalk arrows on the ground were for a local
5k (fuck sake...), so of course the pack just bombed directly back in.
Circle was convened and accusations were handed round. Hares drank for
shitty trail, Stain for being a short cutting dumbass, victors drank for
unhashman-like excellence, and then every other time a victor drank. Having
won an event, my memory gets fuzzy around this point.
But! The events were not over, and after a nice, filling meal and a wait of
less than 30 minutes, the aquatic event began! Slip n' Slide for distance.
The harrietts proved why 12 year old chinese girls clean up in the other
olympics, as their ample heaving bosoms proved, for once, to be a
liability. It was a man's man's man's game, and that gangly, greasy fuck
Stain proved to be particularly suited to the event and walked away with it.
The alcohol began at this point to light up the creative centers of our
brains, after kicking a few holes in the walls and ceiling of the other
ones, and inspired a double naming! Just Lucy lost her nerd name after
almost a year of CUNTHH hasing to become Hard Licker, (due to her Muy Thai
kung fu fighting, her tendency to take nips of a flask (apparently the 8
gallons of beer that went into the creek weren't enough for her) and...
something else... I know there was one other thing about her that made the
name fit well... Whatever this trash is late enough as it is. Just Ann
became Teacher's Pet, (although now I think of it Easy A would have been a
damn good one) due to her pattern of seducing anyone who tries to teach her
anything. Probably got some dynamite transcripts...
The next morning pack rose bright and early and after an bacon-intensive
breakfast (the best kind) set off for the fatty trail around the crack of
noon. Stain and yours truly being the hares, we were singularly
uninterested in any kind of actual work, so we decided to just use the bits
of Lazer's and T.P.'s trail we hadn't hit. Of course we forgot the trail
went up and over a mountain. Fuck. Not exerting ourselves having been shot
in the ass, we gathered round the firepit for one last sweaty circle before
the on-out. Robin was awarded a down down popping her top off like she just
got called of the bench at an NBA game, and Stain taught us all a fun little
song for the next time a hasher spazzes out. Thanks spiders! Hares drank
for a shitty trail, and the previous hares drank for the same shitty trail.
A pretty awesome song circle then convened, and the pack all fucked off for
home after a quick rain delay.
Thanks again to Just Devon for letting us lower her property values for a
weekend, and thanks to Teacher's Pet for laying an awesome trail, and thanks
to Lazer for laying that trail and the next one as well! That's correct.
Next hash will be Saturday, September 24th, hared by Lazer Labia and Just
Darlene. Erections will be held, as the hash is now down 2/3rds of its
misman, and is a year overdue for them besides. So, as we ease this
cheertatorship into a cheerocracy, give some thought to whether your
strengths lie in bossing people around (Grand Master/Hare Raiser),
Tourettes-level profanity (Religious Advisor) or glamour, glitz, respect and
more of the genitals of your preference than you can shake a stick (or
whatever) at (Scribe). A hefty reserve of bullshit and disregard for
historical truth are also prerequisites for that last one. If you're new to
the CUNTHH hash/ hashing in general, don't sweat it, you can still run, the
more experienced hashers will gladly help out and advise until you find your
feet.
Stay tuned for updates as details become available.