Hashing

Q: What is this Hashing thing anyway?

A: The Hash is probably the most ubiquitous club on erth, after the Illuminati, and the most undergound, again, after the Illuminati. There is at least one hash in every country on earth, save Chad and North Korea. Most countries have one in every major city, and most major cities, and many small ones, have more than one. Despite the fact that we're everywhere and becoming a lifelong member is as easy as showing up once (some stains you can never wash off...) most people are unaware of our existence.

Hashing is based on "Hare and Hounds", a child's hide-and-seek-type game from England. It dates back to the 1930's, when bored British expats in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia would go on a paper chase through the jungles, ending up at the Royal Selangor Club of Kuala Lumpur, called the Hash House due to its uninspired bill of fare.

The Charter of the original Hash House, which exists to this day, is:

- To promote physical fitness among our members

- To get rid of weekend hangovers

- To acquire a good thirst and to satisfy it in beer

- To persuade the older members that they are not as old as they feel

And it is to these lofty goals that hashes the world over aspire.

Q: How does hashing work?

A: A hasher, known as the hare, lays a trail of paper (traditional, but depends on littering laws) flour (dicey post-9/11, but most of America has since come to its goddamn senses as regards its likelihood of dying in a terrorist attack. Looking at you, suburban Connecticut Ikea shoppers!), chalk or drywall.

There are plenty of variations in how the trail gets laid. Most usually, the hare is given a 5-15 minute head start and runs the course ahead of the main group of hashers, known as the pack. The hare(s) carry all the flour, chalk, etc. they'll need for the trail, and mark it as they go. This is called a live trail. Trail can also be laid out in its entirety the day before, or the morning of the hash. This is called a pre-laid trail. CUNTHHH trails tend to be live, or at least half and half.

The marks that the hare lays are as follows, although there are tons of variations:

These are the basic hash marks. They indicate that you are on the correct trail. Generally, until you have found three in a row, or been given special instructions, all they tell you is you are on a possible trail.

These are the check marks. They mean that the trail can go in any direction from that mark. There can be multiple false trails leading from the check, but usually only one true trail. While looking for trail, let the other hashers know how many hash marks you've found by shouting "On-one!" when you have found the first mark, "On-two" to let people know you've found a second, and "On-on!" when you have found the third, which means you've found a true trail. Keep your ears peeled for the same.

The True Trail mark means that the trail, truly, absolutely, and unambiguously goes thataway. Pretty much the only mark the hare will lay to make things easy for the pack. Usually laid in deep shiggy of one kind or another.

BN, or Beer Near, means that they are almost to either a check or the finish (On-in) of the trail. Since booze is what motivates most hashers to get up in the morning, let alone r*n, this is far and away the most welcome mark on trail.

The pack is not entirely reliant on the Hare, however. Its common courtesy for the hare to pass out some extra chalk so the quicker members of the pack can lay marks to keep the stragglers in line. Usually found near checks, the arrows (drawn so as not to be confused with the arrows the hare might be laying down) tell the hashers who find them which way everyone else went, while the three bars indicate directions that seem to be false trails. As these are laid by the half-minds of the pack, that uncontestable proof of the fallacy of crowdsourcing, no guarantees can be made as to their usefulness. Follow at your own risk.