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Why Do I Have to Chug All This Beer?
This is Awesome! I Want to Hare a Trail, What Should I Know?
Q: What is this Hashing thing anyway?
A:
Short Answer:
The unholy bastard lovechild of a scavenger hunt, a 5k, and a barcrawl
Long Answer:
The Hash is probably the most ubiquitous club on earth, after the Illuminati, and the most undergound, again, after the Illuminati, and of course the Mole-men. There is at least one hash group (called a kennel) in every country on earth - including Antarctica - save Chad, Iran, Monaco, San Marino, and North Korea. Most countries have one in every major city, and most major cities (and many small ones) have multiple kennels.
Despite this, we have no overarching leadership structure, most hashes are run by the few people in each kennel elected (or more often, charged) to keep the beer flowing.
Despite THIS, wherever you go, regardless of the varying traditions from kennel to kennel, you'll find the same group of jackasses waiting with open arms. That's the nice thing about seeking the Lowest Common Denominator - you always know what you're getting.
The act of Hashing is based on "Hare and Hounds", a child's hide-and-seek-type game from England. It dates back to the 1930's, when bored British expats in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia would go on a paper chase through the jungles, ending up at the Royal Selangor Club of Kuala Lumpur, called the Hash House due to its uninspired bill of fare.
The Charter of the original Hash House Harrier club, both of which exist to this day, is:
- To promote physical fitness among our members
- To get rid of weekend hangovers
- To acquire a good thirst and to satisfy it in beer
- To persuade the older members that they are not as old as they feel
And it is to these lofty goals that hashes the world over aspire.
Q: How does hashing work?
A:
A hasher, known as the hare, lays a trail of paper (traditional, depends on littering laws) flour (more or less dicey depending on situation and location), chalk, or drywall. The rest of the pack, known as the kennel, attempts to follow this trail as best they can, if only because there is beer at the end of it.
There are plenty of variations in how the trail gets laid. Traditionally, the hare is given a 5-15 minute head start and runs the course ahead of the main group of hashers, known as the pack. The hare(s) carry all the flour, chalk, etc. they'll need for the trail, and mark it as they go. This is called a live trail. Trail can also be laid out in its entirety the day before, or the morning of the hash. This is called a pre-laid trail. CUNTHHH trails tend to be live, or at least half and half.
The marks that the hare lays are as follows, although there are tons of variations:
These are the basic hash marks. They indicate that you are on the correct trail. Generally, until you have found three in a row, or been given special instructions, all they tell you is you are on a possible trail.
These are the check marks. They mean that the trail can go in any direction from that mark. There can be multiple false trails leading from the check, but usually only one true trail. While looking for trail, let the other hashers know how many hash marks you've found by shouting "On-one!" when you have found the first mark, "On-two" to let people know you've found a second, and "On-on!" when you have found the third, which means you've found a true trail. Keep your ears peeled for the same.
The True Trail mark means that the trail, truly, absolutely, and unambiguously goes thataway. Pretty much the only mark the hare will lay to make things easy for the pack. Usually laid in deep shiggy of one kind or another.
BN, or Beer Near, means that they are almost to either a drink stop or the On-In (finish) of the trail. Since booze is what motivates most hashers to get up in the morning, let alone r*n, this is far and away the most welcome mark on trail.
The pack is not entirely reliant on the Hare, however. Its common courtesy for the hare to pass out some extra chalk so the quicker members of the pack can lay marks to keep the stragglers in line. Usually found near checks, the arrows (drawn so as not to be confused with the arrows the hare might be laying down) tell the hashers who find them which way everyone else went, while the three bars indicate directions that seem to be false trails. As these are laid by the half-minds of the pack, that uncontestable proof of the fallacy of crowdsourcing, no guarantees can be made as to their usefulness. Follow at your own risk.
Q: Why Do I Have To Chug All This Beer?:
A:
As was mentioned, the hash is everywhere, and open to everyone. To ensure the bar to joining remains appropriately low, and that the kind of tighassed ladder climbing that eventually ruins all institutions is kept to a minimum, the hash self-polices. After the pack has had a chance to get a few drinks under their belt at the on-in, one of the misman (most often the Religious Advisor) will call the pack to order. It is at this point that personal failings are highlighted, and grievances are aired. Most usually the hares drink for the crime of making the pack sweat as prelude to getting smashed, and any virgins will drink for being so stupid that they are only joining the Hash now, after wasting years building careers, families, and networks of supportive friends. At this point the tradition varies from hash to hash. Wearing new shoes, race attire, front-running, auto-hashing (use of internal combustion), pedal-philia, (bikes), nasty falls, being struck by cars, and more can all draw a down-down, the Hash's main instrument of "discipline". By discouraging excellence, we ensure the hash is open to all - from sponsored Iron Men to your average American cirrhotic lard-ass - and by mocking failure/weakness we all get a cheap laugh at the expense of the clumsy and dumb, just like the Founding Fathers intended when they wrote the Constitution of Independence.
The Down-Down basically goes like this - chug as much or as little of your beer as you choose to, then upend the cup above your head. What doesn't go in you goes on you, just like in the quality pornos. After enough of these the hash will get a feel for your particular major malfunction, an obscene, insulting, and above all permanent Hash Name will be given to you by the pack.
Q: On-in, Auto-Hashing, Down-down, What's With All The Lingo / Why Am I Drinking for Saying _______?
A:
As anyone who's ever played a round of King's Cup can tell you, there is nothing more fun while drunk than creating in-jokes, rules and traditions that must be obeyed under penalty of more alcohol. It is to that high purpose that the New Traditonal hash was founded, and it is carried on to this day, almost 5 years after our founding. For a more complete list of slang, consult this gentlemen's conversement in the vulgar tongue. The Free-and-easy-Johns of the Hash will duly impressed with your mastery of Abel-Wackets and Palliards. If your duties of absentee landlordism and buggery prevent you from thoroughly perusing the previous tome, here are some of the basics:
Hare:
The hasher in charge of providing enough exercise that the pack can consider themselves broken even after the on-in overeating/over drinking/over everything. Whether it be pre-lay or live, planned months in advance, made up on the day of, it will never be good enough, and the pack will always make him or her drink for leading them on yet another "Shitty Trail"
On-(one/two/up/left/etc.):
To be shouted when the trail is changing direction. At a check, shout "On!" followed by the number of marks you've found up to that point. At three marks you are on true trail, at which point you shout On-on!
If the trail is going through water, down a cliff, making a hard turn, etc, it's considered good form to yell that back to the pack so they don't go smashing into/over/past/through the obstacle like a bunch of lemmings.
On-on!:
Usually shouted, it means the hasher shouting it has found/is on true trail, or has got a down down coming for misleading the pack. It's a good idea to shout it even if you aren't looking for trail, as someone may have gotten lost within earshot. Make sure that someone isn't you first, or you'll probably end up drinking.
Are You? (RU?):
The hasher shouting this has lost trail and is asking if you are on it. Answer with "checking" if you have not found trail yet, or On-one, On-two, On-on,etc
Shiggy:
In most hashes, shiggy is brush. Sticker bushes, brambles, saplings, stinging nettles, even river crossings, or cliff climbing. The kind of running that leaves marks for later. In New York, that sort of shiggy is in short supply, but God doesn't pave over paradise without littering the parking lot in broken bottles, syringes, used condoms and the like. It may not measure up to the more bucolic shiggy, but the stories (and scars) will be that much more interesting.
Hash / Nerd Names:
Most hashers who have been at it long enough get a 'hash name' that sums them up with obscene brevity. SpongeBath BedPans - a Nurse, Minor 69'er - an incorrigible cougar, or Amkneesia - who blacked out and came to in the hospital with a broken knee, all exemplify the kind of name you can hope to end up with. Until then, we'll refer to you as "Just" you, when we can be bothered to remember your name. Calling a named hasher by their "nerd name" is a huge faux pas, as it reminds them of a time when they held promise, before they sunk to rock bottom with the rest of us.
This is Awesome! I Want to Hare a Trail! What Should I Know!
There are two ways of haring a trail, Pre-lay (exactly what it sounds like) and Live, where the hares are given a brief headstart and then chased down by the pack.
Pre-lay:
Most of this applies to live haring to some extent or another, but are most critical if you're laying a trail the day before (or earlier, or later) If your trail doubles back near itself, be extremely careful about where you place checks, and how well you label your turns. It's entirely possible that the pack will bomb past a turn arrow, right into a leg of trail that by rights should be 3 miles later on. Expect to down-down, especially if the pack misses a drink check as a result. CHECK. THE. WEATHER. If the weather report is calling for rain, flour works better than chalk, but can still get washed away if trail is on the ground for a long time before the start, or if the rain is coming down heavily. Try to put your marks under awnings, trees, in the leeward side of buildings (the side sheltered from the wind) to make it last longer. Still, expect to hare live, or at least to shanghai one of the FRB's in the pack into haring. If you're running a night hash, make absolutely sure you do NOT use dark chalk. White, Neon Green, Yellow, Orange, Pink, are all acceptable colors. Blue, grey, dark red are not. Also, try to leave at least one in every few marks under or near a light source. Bamboozling the pack is fun, but if they're looking for each mark like a lost contact, you will have an extremely unhappy pack of wanks to deal with at the on-in. Assuming anyone finds it.
Live Haring:
It's much more easy to cover the same territory when live haring, because you can return to a marked trail after the pack has already run through. Still, use a distinct color of chalk for each part of the trail, and maybe a special mark. The average harrier doesn't have a lot going on upstairs even before the prelube. If co-haring, make sure you both have phones. It's easy to get separated laying false trails, and with a pack of baying drunks behind you, you don't have a lot of time to go running around finding each other, and shouting is pretty much out of the question. Strategy is your best friend. If there are ever 4 or more ways to turn (not counting the way you came), leave a check. Make sure checks turn uphill often enough that the FRBs tire themselves out checking uphill at each one. If there's rough shiggy, go straight through. Security guards generally aren't fast enough to deal with one or two hares who surprise them and are half gone before they stand up, but they'll be ready when the pack gets there : )
Larrikins:
Larrikins are a special beast, MUCH more laid back than even the typical hash. Generally hosted out of a hasher's home, the trail is laid at random, because the hares are chosen at random. Straws are drawn and the short straw (or two) are in charge of laying trail to the next bar. Since the trail can continue as long as the pack is willing to r*n, accommodations are usually made to ensure the hash cash holds out (CUNTHHH runs London Rules, $3 for downdown beer, everything else you buy yourself). It's much easier to lay a trail like this, but you should try to give the pack a bit of a workout. Running around the corner to the next bar is fine once in a while, but its a joke that can get old. If you aren't familiar with the area, don't worry, this is NYC, there's a bar everywhere. If you aren't a super fast r*nner, don't worry, if you get caught you hand off the flour and they become the new hare.
Also, while the "wisdom of crowds" doesn't quite apply to a hash kennel, the complete lack of common sense and inability to manage their lives in a reasonable way, combined with their long memories for other people's mistakes means that the rest of the hashers you know can function as a fuck-up encyclopedia. Ask around, and you'll definitely learn what NOT to do, ensuring that whatever SNAFU's you do inevitably end up committing will be appropriately novel, interesting, and name-worthy
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