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Post date: Aug 19, 2013 11:01:56 PM
[Kicks Locker Room Door Open]
Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ, Two Nights Only in a Limited Engagement at the Apollo! What was that? Just what in blue, jumping FUCK was THAT?! 'Dream Team' my perky, dimpled ass! Don't give me that "Who Me?" routine. Yea, we got the W, but so what? You sacks of shit had more unforced errors than Mr. Magoo in a hatstand factory! I didn't come out of retirement to watch a bunch of so-called Americans finish less than a pound of bacon apiece over a single weekend! You know how much pork they eat in China? I happen to, thanks to google and a scotched purchase of a hog farming conglomerate. 54 million tons last year! That's 108 pounds per Chinaman, Chinawoman and Chinachild, every year! Anyone want to do the math and tell me how much it is per weekend? Round about a pound sound right to you mouthbreathers? And they aren't even COMPETING for fuck sake! You gonna bring that weak sauce to Sochi? I didn't let myself get dragged out of retirement for a repeat of Kobayahsi V. Grizzly Bear.
I'm getting too old for this shit guys, I saw that sorry excuse for a caravan and literally had a heart attack. Yes 'literally' you pedantic twat, I had an ass vein threaded in there at halftime. Reminded me of Dunkirk - yes I'm 90 years old... yes, 'and British'! What did I look like in your heads? Bus doesn't come and all of a sudden it's time to saddle up and herd the cats! At least you got there and got back, I wasn't sure you humps had it in you. What were you guys doing? You takin a shit out there or hashing? Causeby the time we crushed the first 12-pack at the last DC it was pretty hard to tell the difference! 5.7 miles and by the third hour we were already forging your living wills.
The Hashlympics, where to start. We took home a lot of golds, sure. But we also brought home a lot of silvers and bronzes. You want to know what bronze is worth? What a Cunt, I think saw you try to read once, here's the business section, tell these goons what bronze is worth. You know what? I'll save you the trouble. Approximately JACK SHIT PER TROY OUNCE IS WHAT IT'S WORTH, plus or minus a teenth either way depending on what moves Gilden is making on the spot market. You want to see the Hashlympics spirit? Look in the Bouncy House, Solar, Gag 'Em and Tequila Whore have been jumping topless for the last six hours straight. I had grounds crew turn the hoses on them a half hour ago but they're still going. Look at Tragic, stripping to the altogether for slip n' slide despite being built like a brick shithouse with gout! Look at Gay Matthews, running through a shower of someone else's puke because it was the shortest distance to the finish. Look at Type A, sprinting blind into the woods at night and then across some guys front porch to find trail! The rest of you aren't fit to hold their jock!
And this prima donna happy horseshit has got. to. end. We're a team, Goddamnit! F.A.R.T.? You miss one more twoaday to film a drug abuse or bestiality PSA and you are off this goddamn sqad. Little hint, fella? You're not supposed to *encourage* either one, and you're supposed to have a judge force you to do those things, not fund them out of your own pocket! And you Forgy, you trying out for Pacman Jones' spot in the tabloids, flashing that piece of yours all around town? If you're that worried about your cock size, buy some damn Enzyte already! CPA, I see you sneaking off to the showers, there's a trashcan in the corner. Do what you gotta do where I can chew your drunk ass out!
What was that? Who said that? "Why don't I just skip ahead to throwing a chair like I always do?" I would you motherhumping pantload, but Mouthful of Gu's sitting in it. Am I boring you, princess? You see the rest of the team taking a knee, like they're goddamn supposed to be? At least you're awake. Hey Off Dutyzzzzzz, rise and shine, cornhole! I'm not sure how you could be tired, Baby Mason was showing more hustle out there, and his brain doesn't have a working motor cortex yet! You know what, I'm sick of looking at the bunch of you. I'll let my assistant finish chewing you out. Until I say different, you're all ridin' pisshole!*[Grabs tequila off of CPA, chugs half the bottle, whips it into the wall and stalks out.]Wow, uh, ok guys. So, sheesh, what a slave driver huh? Might have had some points though. You guys want to do a team building exercise, boost our self-esteem? Lie down on each other's tummies? We can start with me? No?Ok, just offering, why don't we just review the films? So you guys got off to a pretty good start Friday evening. Pretty decent pack size, pretty good trail. Cum Test, it helps pack find trail if there's trail to find, maybe next time grab a co hare if it rains, don't just tell Type A to head the pack off at an intersection and lead them from there, you know how he gets. Type, maybe don't run directly through someone's porch light next time you want to short cut, and Gag'em, lakes are round. You can just pick a direction and go in it if you see a bunch of people flashing lights at you on the other side. You'll get there eventually. Pretty good showing Saturday's trail, too. FART, congrats on being tore wide open before the 11AM trail even started, and passed out by noon. Double cheers for eventually allowing yourself to get dragged out and man a drink check. Good job stacking everyone in the caravan, real Tetris style skills on display there. Minor and Tequila, interesting technique getting down that hill, but you're a lot less likely to get hookworm in your butts if you just walk down. Bolly, you're a big guy, big target for coyotes and pumas, and according to my girlfriend vegetarians taste better, you're gonna want to watch double close for flour in the future. Climbing up that tree to spot trail was a nice touch though.As for the actual events, good sportsmanship, it's important to remember we're all winners. Haystack, the wifflebats are only used for spinning purposes, this isn't baseball, although way to roll with the theme by sliding into home, Type A. Might not have been necessary to slide directly into Haystack then dryhump his head, though. Which, by the way, Gilden and Skidmark? It's not Wrestling either, Backyard or Greco-Roman style. I get it, man, sure it's the finals, eye of the tiger, but after you've been laying on the ground hugging each other from behind for ten minutes, the crowd starts to wonder if they're still watching a footrace, you know? Cum Test, way to win the Beer Mile, and then get your puke in an actual flush receptacle afterwards. Type, honorable mention for actually washing your puke bucket out when you were done with it. Ladies, they say a tie is like kissing your sister, which would be pretty hot, maybe do that next time, because no one remembers much about Slip n' Slide, other than, you know, Tragic. Good effort, I guess. And though the Sing-off never actually got underway, cheers to you guys for keeping a song circle going long after most people were trying to sleep, I think we can all give ourselves a hand on that score. Also I think the naked run went excellent, no one was really expecting that out of a New York City hash, probably least of all the landlord, so you should all feel real good about that. Orange slices all around!
So, ordinarily we'd have a pizza party, but coach put the kibosh on it. Says 'We're up against the Bronx next hash, and I'll be goddamned if we put on the same sorry show we did back in June. Let 'em eat what they kill out there on the field, or they can eat their own dead for what I care, fuck 'em'. Then he threw a kettlebell at my head. He was about half way through a can of paint thinner, but I think he meant he wants us all to pull together like a big happy family and have a big ol' homecooked meal! So why don't we all fix a nice hot dish and we'll show up bright and early at the crack of noon at McDermott's Pub in Westchester Village off the Westchester/Tremont Av stop on the 6 line and Type A will take them along to Baretto Point Park and after the hash we can just pig out and splash around and have a good ol' time. This is a public pool, so you'll actually need a swimsuit, last time they chucked a bunch of people for inappropriate attire. Coach also says The Bronx is "bringin' shiggy up to your tits" so shiggy socks is probably a good idea.
Lets put our hands in and give a big ol' Goooooooooo Hash!
No?
Ok, well I see some people are already leaving, probably getting a head start on their beauty sleep, gotta be rested up for the big day
No? Gentlemen's club? That's cool, I'm down, wouldn't mind hanging out with the team and some tig ol bitties...
No?
Ok. You're not gonna bring that potato gun, right F'orgy? Coach said? Umm, do I have to tell him in *exactly* those words?
Well, alright, See ya?
Love you guys.
Final Results:
Father Abraham1-Second Hand Cum2-Coffee Queefer3-FARTWank-off1-Spare My Finger
2-Type A Hole
3- Minor 69er
Wheel Barrow Race
1-Gildensac & Type A Hole
2-Coffee Queefer & Second hand Cum
3-Forgy & Skidmark
Dizzy Bat
M
1-Skidmark
2-Gildensac
3-Type A
W
1-DW Bi
2-Coffee Queefer
3-Fitness in Yo Mouf
Slip n slide
M
1-Gay Matthew Lamb
2-Type A Hole
3-FARTW1-(tie) WAC2-(tie) White Cliffs3-Minor 69erRandom Distance Beer MileM1-Type A2-Haystack3-Gay Matthews LambW1-Cum Test Dummy2-Lazer Labia3-Gag Em StyleShot off
1-Gay Matthews Lamb & Spare My Finger - Chocolate covered Pretzels
2-Bolly Woodless - Chocolate cake
Bacon
34lbs
Bacon Grease
1 Gallon
Just Scott and Just Patty
DEAD
There is only Off Dutyzzzzzz and Guess Who's Cumming for Dinner!
Next Trail:
Sat. Aug 31st, 12pm McDermott's Pub, off the Westchester/Tremont 6 line. On-in at the Barretto Point Park and Pool, bring a real swimsuit if you want to swim (you will) Bring food if you want a break on hash cash, and also for there to be food to eat. Bring Shiggy socks. Bulletproof vest might not hurt either.
*If you never saw Goon, fuck you, and also do see it.
** Also, I totally forgot to mention that FART claimed to be "the only Asian here" when surrounded by, conservatively, 5 other Asians.
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