Post date: Nov 5, 2013 7:37:36 PM
So we're barely out of the summer and It looks like there's already a lot of competition for worst hare of the year...
The fucks started clustering even before my trail started, a detour out to the UWS from Soundview meant I was about an hour late to my own hash, but that's about par for the Type A course. We had a pretty sizeable pack considering how completely out in the boonies McDermott's Pub was, and Faceballs even brough out a virgin! Tough shit for him, but your first time is always kinda garbage anyway. Unfortunately it's usually over quick too. Not so much this time.
I gave the pack the usual chalk talk, which included a warning to keep the weak and slow to the center of the herd, and made sure everyone had at least seen the mark on the gatorade bottle of piss-yellow whatsit they were gonna have to drink on trail. Oh yea, forgot to mention, since I would be setting up the food and drink in a park, I wouldn't have time to man the drink checks, and rather than take a chance leaving a case unattended in South Crackton, I mixed up some vokka-Redbulls, some limoncello cocktails, and what would have been an Inka Cola and rum check if a chance to pounce on my personal drink check white whale hadn't presented itself - more on that later. Bundled up in a trashbag and thrown haphazardly into the bushes, I figured the bottles of what look like they very well could be sour piss would be good for at least an hour or two till the pack got there.
Haring live, I didn't get to see what the pack got up to, but I will say that I found some nice ass views. They may have been strung out over 9 miles, but sometimes that's the price you gotta pay. First drink check was chucked in a gully in a tidal flat in Pugsley Creek. I'm guessing it went well since no one complained.
From there it was across the only dirt road in NYC (The enormous mudpuddle in the middle of which had dried out enough to get around since I scouted, you lucky bastards) and into Soundview Park. A bit of a straightaway, a view check towards Rikers and LaGuardia, and another straight away and then into the SEA! OF! SHIGGY! Yes indeed, over a year ago I was jogging around randomly in the Bronx, looking for shady spots for drink checks when I happened upon what can only be called the SEA! OF! SHIGGY! 7 foot, closely growing weedgrass, woody enough to make pushing through it a huge pain but no thorns, and especially, no landmarks. The SEA! OF! SHIGGY! very nearly swallowed me whole, as I got so lost that trail came out way too early and had to dive back in. Took me about 50 minutes to lay a quarter mile of trail and get back out again. It was kind of much, even for me, so I gave the pack a hint to just follow the fence around the track bordering the SEA! OF! SHIGGY! where they popped out to find the second drink check!
Or at least where I'd hoped to have it. I sent my intrepid co-hare Skidmark out to flag down the Icee Men working the park while I laid down marks bringing the pack out of the weeds and into the glory of the greatest drink check I ever laid. Unfortunately when I came back he was about a half mile away, chasing them as they left the park. Thinking that there must have been a breakdown in communications I stretched my Spanish to the breaking point, pleading with them to come back and wait a minute for the thirsty half minds who were about to put their kids through college, only to have them ask in perfect English, what I wanted. I can only assume that Skidmark's personality translates perfectly to Spanish. After coralling all the lost halfminds, taking the abuse only a SEA! OF! SHIGGY! can inspire and setting them up with a rum-slushee, I realized I'd left Second Cumming stuck in a car with rolled up windows for 45 minutes.
Dashing back, we staged all of our food just in time for me to see the pack blow by the third drink check. Thinking they'd found it drunk and gone, I freaked and gave them straight home directions. Probbaly a good idea considering how far everyone went, but nevertheless, here's what you missed. Limoncello and 99 cent store sprite, under a bridge in the heart of the red light district.
Trail was kind of up in the air for a bit after that since I'd sort of bit off a good 15 minutes of set-up time, and Mr. Pickles would just not clear out of the goddamn park and let us bring the beer in. Nevertheless, the food was great, the beer was enough to get everyone good and drunk enough to forget what I'd put them through, and the pool was apparently too cold. For people who'd just run 9-11 miles depending on what they did at the checks, through August heat. Typical half-minds.
As for WAC's trail, she was only a half hour late to the start, at Tipico Dominicano or El Floridita, I don't think we ever established which, but showed up in considerably more style, chucking out sweets and shirts from her kidnappervan like the end of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, as directed by Roman Polanski. We loaded up and were told that trail started somewhere over towards the GWB.
Sure enough, trail was found, a couple blocks down the road, and it proceeded straight over the bridge. From there we ended up getting properly screwed at every check mark, assuming WAC had something new up her sleeve. Unfortunately for everyone, it seemed like she didn't. The first couple checks took us into the Palisades park and along the cliff and highways, switching from one to the other with overland bushwhacking through woods and other shiggy. Eventually pack came to a check, followed immediately by an eagle chicken split.
Chicken went down the hill to where the on-in was last year, Eagle continued along the rigeline. For about 20 feet. On the other side of the rise of a hill was maybe the largest flour 'F' I think I've ever seen (I immediately take that back. See the trash for Jerzey's Summit/CUNTHHH interhash). Considering that both marks were in sight of each other, assuming you had an above average vertical jump, WAC's only hint was that 'chicken is about 4, eagle, a little longer') and the fact that trail seemed to be following last years pretty closely, we all just piled down hill onto the chicken trail. (And in case you're wondering, this wasn't as Lemmings-y as it might seem. Plenty of hashers blew by the returning FRB's with "bullshit it is!" followed immediately by "Well I'll be damned, False Trail")
As it turned out, that F was one of three trails which split off from the non-check C/E split. Took a while to get that out of the hares, but we never did get them to throw the other under the bus and spill whose idea the GIANT F directly in front of the only visible eagle trail mark was. Admirable solidarity.
After looking around where the food was last year, someone (either Dildo Bag's Gone, his virgin, or Just John, I was ready to sit right down and wait for the hares to come to me) had the bright idea to keep looking for trail and found it snaking along the river side over to an even more woody and secluded cookout spot near the marina.
WAC was understandably pissed to have spent all day laying trail through the shit only to have the entire pack shortcut it, but fortunately the drink check was nearby so we all backtracked up to Jerzey and left her questioning her life choices. Jerzey was playing coy about where the beer was with a pack of half minds who were in no mood for it by then, but after a slip and fall down some jagged rocks by yours truly, we fished it out of the canyon it was in and started getting our drink on. It was about this time that maybe the coolest guy in the world showed up.
We'd passed him on trail, so most of us gave him a nod, except for Jerzey, who gave him the full treatment, and to all of our surprise he ended up sharing our beer with us. Lunch made some joke about how the only thing that would be better is if he had weed to share with us, and without batting an eye... Anyway, we told him all about hashing, told him to look up Summit, or NYC if he was ever in town, and sent him off on his way. We may have met the reincarnation of G there on that trail. I think according to the Buddhists we were supposed to have killed him, but whatever. We had Cajun beans and hots n' sweets waiting for us down on the grill.
As usual, home cooked food and sneaky solo cup beer chilled out the worst of the packs bitching and circle got underway. Immediately after a few hashers had to get home, so we sent Cum Test Dummy out to drive them. She'd had her brains recently scrambled on the pavement, you see, by Gag'em Style, and because of the concussion wasn't drinking. So naturally we put her in a giant van with a bunch of people in the back and sent her out on roads she'd never traveled. That's hash thinking for you!
Approximately forever later, as we were apologizing profusely to our virgin and Just Gisele, who'd only ever come out to the previous WAC kidnapper hash, and strategizing how to hitchhike home, CTD finally arrived. A bunch of long songs (halted only to smuggle the human cargo across the border) later and we found our selves back in familiar territory. Just John may have named himself when, after WAC slammed the brakes, sending everyone facefirst into everyone else's crotch, he answered our yells of What the fuck with the phrase "Bus in our face!" (I don't think I'm blowing the surprise because I don't think he gets these emails. Sometimes I don't think anyone does.) All I remember after that is Me, Gagem, FART and Splat steeling ourselves to own the Hokey Pokey, now and forever, on the karaoke at Coogan's only to have our request turned down for some reason.
Good times.
NEXT TRAIL: TROJAN WHORE AND GAG'EM STYLE HARE! IT WILL BE AWESOME! OR MAYBE IT WILL BLOW GOATS! THERE IS LITERALLY NO WAY OF KNOWING SINCE WE HAVE NO DETAILS! WEEKEND AFTER THIS COMING ONE! SATURDAY OCT 12!
In other news, I'll be haring a trail on Wednesday the 23rd for the NAWW. World Peace Through Beer Day is a fun little thing some hashers in Nashville got started a few years ago. I did it in Korea and it's tons of fun. We're working on porting it over to NYC's super racist milieu, I'll keep you posted. But bring your livers, and expect to mix your drinks, for World Peace!
P.S. if anyone knows of any good ethnic bars within 10 blocks north or south of the 30s let me know.