CUH3 #48: Bolly & 10 Dix's VD Trail Trash!

Post date: Mar 20, 2014 1:39:12 PM

Hey, thanks for meeting me. Take a seat, have some bread. You probably don't want to order food. Maybe not even a drink, we won't be here long.Soooooo last month. Valentines Day. Yea, that 'hash run' or whatever you call it. Look, I know my OKCupid profile said I was 'adventurous' and 'open to new things', but come on. Seriously. What the hell even was that? Final straw is what it was. Don't act like this is a surprise. Look, I'm only telling you like this because I think you're a pretty good person. Or, you know, could be with a little bit of work. And some therapy. And a shower. And a job. And some new clothes. And something for that hangover... Maybe you should get that drink. Waiter? Some coffee please? Ignore that, waiter, not 'Irish'. Or 'Polish'! Or 'Ozark' - Jesus, this is a nice place, why would they even *have* Everclear? This is *exactly* what I'm talking about! Come on, now don't cry for God's sake, anyway it's not you, it's me.Sorry, I can usually keep a straight face for that line. It's you. Definitely all you. What do *you* mean 'What do I mean'? Am I going to have to run through this point by point? Jesus, aren't you a prize, how'd I ever hang onto you for so long? Here goes:First off, the South Bronx? I know that the choice spots are slammed for reservations for Valentines Day, but you waited until literally every place south of 168th street was booked solid? And exactly how did you think I'd react when the "game" at "Yankee Stadium" turned out to be some 5 mile march through crust ice game of grabass with a bunch of weird perverts?And what a bunch of weird perverts! Who's running the show? Oh right: 'BollyWoodless' and '10 Dix with Wings'. The less said about the mouthbreathers following their lead the better. Except that you've got to be pretty hard up to drive in from PA for what went down. You'd think with names like Golden Showers, Bonertown, and The Shocker they'd have something going on closer to home. Though I guess if you're flying Under the Gaydar you'd want to get weird where no one you know could out you, and with a name like Beatzit, you're probably grasping at straws most days, let alone Valentines Day.Anyway, look, I'm not an idiot. Call it artistic all you want but I know an amateur porn shoot when I see one. Yes, I know my profile said 'adventurous' and yea, I know what that means on those sites, but a children's playground? I'd prefer not to have to look for the one bridge in the city that's a half mile from every school, playground and church to sleep under for the rest of my life. The things you people did on that merry-go-round, in full view of children, you should all be chemically castrated. And here's the thing, I've been to an orgy or two in my day, and it was a lot more comfortable than a dogpile on a snowbank with a bunch of people wearing sweatpants. Have you *had* sex before? Are you from one of those 'hole in the sheet' religions?

It's not like I'm a prude - what do you mean 'yea right'?, The London Bridge? I wasn't 'huffy' because people were getting freaky, I'm just not cool with your caveman friends declaring that a 'woman's place' is in the middle. The world is a rainbow, and only closed-minded bigots see an MMF 3-way and yell that it's 'Adam and Eve and Steve, *not* Adam and Steve and Eve!" Anyway, I've humored some real wierdos to keep a relationship going, but if it takes breaking into a church to desecrate a statue of a founding father to get your rocks off, maybe you're a little too desensitized. Try giving the internet a break. And then I get to run from the cops when your friend decides to drop a steamy in a trashcan!

Let's not forget you promised me watching the sun go down over St Nick's Park and a romantic sleighride. What did you deliver? A icy cheese grater of a slide down Hamburger Hill on a scrap of refrigerator box, all the while getting smacked by kids who were so concussed they were basically brag-yammering like cokeheads about slamming into lightpoles and concrete stairs. Also, St Nicks Park faces east, idiot.

It was kind of cute how you tried to salvage the night by taking me out for coffee, but I couldn't help noticing it tasted distinctly of cough syrup. I kept expecting to wake up in some sketchy cabin chained to a radiator, but fortunately I've got a pretty good tolerance for roofies by now.

That Suite Bar was pretty nice though. The nightcap tasted like citrusy ass until they flushed the lines, but there were lots of other people walking around butt naked to stare at while you flop-sweated and tried to get frisky - seriously, who licks ears? Shame the bar made them put their pants back on though...

Anyway, yea, we're through. Don't call me, like, ever again. What? My sister? Sure, it's 570-...

Aaaaaaaand SCENE! Thanks to everyone for coming out, thanks to Suite Bar for letting us get drunk and loud and weird and nude, and thanks to the LVH3 Traveling Circus for kicking us up to 11, as usual.

Next CUNTHHH trail will be a rare and elusive 5th Saturday Trail! How elusive, you ask? So elusive scientists have been unable to determine its properties with any greater precision than it will be March 29th, hared by Blow in the Park.

If anyone is looking to travel down to Lehigh to pay them back for the last two months of hangovers, cleaning bills, back child support and/or STD medicine co-pays we owe them, they're haring this year's Ivy League Interhash! Trail trash from the last one is here, and if you missed that one, you've missed out. No hurdling crack whores on a disused highway maintenance access, like the one I set, but still. April 19th, on or near Lehigh's campus! If you've never been down for a Musikfest or a Celtic Fest or a 4th of July Red Dress Fest (the valley was settled by Germans, one of the most Festive peoples of Europe) now's your chance! There's a bunch of cheap options for traveling out there, and crashspace is available! Tell all your friends!

And if you're looking to boost your hash karma, we're looking to kick the Scranton Hash's game up a few notches on Saturday April 5th! Deets are forthcoming, but it should be a blast as well. Busses are available but suck, so if you've got a car and want to do your part to help show a plucky little hash-that-could a good time, get at us on the BBS, or whatever that Face-book thing is you guys spend all your time looking at. I can offer a bed/foldout couch/carpeted floor in that order for the first couple of hashers.

Type A