Dear HKMS Families,

At Open House this year, we talked about the stress of parenting.  For the past twelve years as a school administrator, I have given advice to students and parents about how to navigate these tricky years.  Now that my own daughter is an adolescent, it is clear to me that following parenting advice at home is way more challenging than offering it!!  We launched this year with the mantra “Never Worry Alone!”  I want to tell you about a stressful parenting experience I had this week and my takeaways.  Now more than ever, I feel so connected and understanding to all of you as parents now that “middle school” lives in my home!

Before the pandemic, my daughter Cassidy began taking piano lessons with a wonderful Yale professor Julie.  During the pandemic, Julie relocated to Seattle, and lessons continued via FaceTime.  Somehow Julie was able to maintain and develop a virtual learning environment that exuded caring, growth, and love of the music. Over the years Cassidy learned to read music, play the basics, and even started voice lessons.  This has been wonderful since her school does not offer music classes.  Beyond the music, Julie became a “trusted adult” for Cassidy.  They often discuss the stresses of school, friends, family, sports and finding balance.  Julie always starts lessons with a check in, reflecting on big events for the past week, all in an effort to make sure Cassidy is in a good place to learn before jumping into the music. 

This year, Cassidy has just not been “into” her music lessons. Where once she eagerly practiced and performed with friends, it had now developed into a chore.   My wife and I not only had to remind her to practice, but when she did it, it was with reluctance and resistance.  Julie was picking up on the increasing stress too. Cassidy’s increased school work, and her swim team requirements meant something had to give.  Have you ever felt this way too?  The feeling that you are constantly nagging your child to do their “extracurriculars?  It was a negative loop in our house.  

In my “principal brain,” I know that Cassidy would benefit from a couple of more years of playing piano so those neural pathways she had been developing could solidify in her adolescent brain.  On the other hand, I also know that it's great when kids do not overly specialize in an activity.   But living my own advice is turning out to be much more challenging than giving it.  My principal brain wanted to mandate that she continue, but everything I am learning about the toxic overachievement culture told me that it was time to follow her lead.

After several long conversations, and an article I made Cassidy read about adolescent neural pathway development (she loves my articles!), Cassidy decided to take a “few months pause” in her music lessons.  This next parenting decision turned out to be the one that resulted in an amazing learning experience.   My wife and I only asked that SHE have a conversation with Julie and one last lesson to provide some measure of closure.   I needed her to experience the emotions connected with an appropriate separation from a trusted human and a skill she has worked on for six years.  

If you have even done this with your child (e.g., helped them to quit a team, your family relocated, or even attend a funeral), you know that the experience of saying goodbye is emotional, tears were shed on all sides.  But they were tears that honored this special relationship that is moving into a different phase. Putting the onus on Cassidy to share her decision with her teacher and explain her thinking was a challenging yet rewarding moment.  Julie’s response was beautiful,  “You will always have a place in my heart, I will always have time in my schedule for you, and when you need me, for music or just some to talk to, you can always call me.”  I truly hope that Cassidy does find her way back to Julie, while it would be great if it was because her love of creating music returned, I have more hope it is for the emotional support she will need from an adult (other than her parents) through these middle school years. 

As Jennifer Wallace describes in Never Enough, parents are not supposed to raise their children themselves.  We are supposed to rely on each other. We need a support village too.  Our upcoming PTO Coffee we will be launching our book club with a bit of a tease about Never Enough and how Ms. Wallace’s thinking can be applied to our own lives to take the pressure off of having to be (or appear) perfect.  I hope you can join us next Tuesday 10/22 at 9:30 a.m. in the HKMS library.  No need to have read anything, we will be previewing the book with some brief videos, lively conversation, and coffee! 

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

Sincerely,

Steve Clapp, Ed.D.