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Dear HKMS Families,

I recently read a very good article from Edutopia entitled, Why Bullying Is Too Narrow a Lens for Addressing Conflict in Middle School by Paige Tut (the title is linked to the article).   The article features an interview with middle school counselor Phyllis Fagell who recently published the book Middle School Matters.  I am fascinated by her research on how universal social conflict is among middle schoolers. As a middle school educator I see “friend-shifts” regularly, but she reports, "In sixth grade, only a third of friendships endure through the school year, research shows. If you ask middle school students to name a best friend, only half of the kids named will reciprocate and identify them as friends in return; by 12th grade, just 1 percent of middle school friendships remain intact." That is amazing!  But if you think about it, how many of your middle school friends are you still in contact with (and “Facebook only” friends do not count)? While these "friend-shifts'' are quite common, they are not without discomfort.  Oftentimes a child may feel lonely, excluded, or treated meanly by a recent friend.   If the meanness is intentional and repeated with a power dynamic, that is bullying.  If it is “normal” social conflict, it may hurt - but is not likely a true act of bullying. 

Ms. Fagell found that social upheaval and conflict are not only a "normal" part of middle school life, they are an absolute necessity to learn how to develop and sustain positive human relationships.   "The experiences kids have in middle school aren’t objectively worse than at any other time in their lives...Though they can be challenging formative years—marked at times by impulsive decisions made by still-maturing brains and intense emotions amplified by hormonal changes—they can be markedly tougher without a tool kit of interpersonal and social skills."  These experiences help young adolescents learn how to select friends who are good for them and how to take responsibility for their actions when they are wrong.  This is how humans learn and develop empathy, listening skills, and navigating the complexities of interpersonal relationships.  

It might go against our instincts to protect our kids, but it is important adults do not catastrophize these experiences and we do not rescue students from this discomfort.  Instead we should coach them through these times with a neutral approach.  Fagell has this advice for the trusted adults in middle schoolers lives who face mean behavior:

• As an adult, you’re not trying to talk them out of their feelings, you’re helping them develop the cognitive flexibility to avoid jumping to conclusions.

• Adults can help by helping kids think more expansively about who they’re with and how it makes them feel. Rather than tell kids who they should or shouldn’t be friends with, ask questions or make observations. (I've noticed you behave differently around… what is going on there?)

• Being kind involves a very specific set of social skills that kids need to be taught. 

• Students need to practice and rehearse these skills with those they trust.

While it is our parental/teacher instinct to protect our children, it is important we let them lead the way through social drama so they too can learn to navigate complex human relationships as they grow up.   Childhood therapist and parent, Eli Harwood created a wonderful video (linked here) explaining how some "mean" behavior may actually be feedback.  Helping our children understand the difference, once emotions are settled, is a powerful coaching tool.  As always, our schools are full of terrific resources and professionals who are experts in assisting students (and their parents) through these challenging dynamics.  Please do not hesitate to reach out to us if your child is hurting, feeling left out, or being unfairly treated.  We are here to help!

It looks like the dreary weather is moving on and we have a lovely early May weekend ahead.  Please take a few moments to enjoy this week’s newsletter featuring robots on the move, brain breaks from state testing, and outstanding middle school teaching and learning!

Sincerely,

Steve Clapp

Principal

Helen Keller Middle School

Find your strength, build upon it, and share it!

Grade 6

Our young Spanish speakers are working on writing pieces in the target language all about their weekly activities.  

Grade 7

Grade 8

Mr. Mac's scientists are taking advantage of the block periods working on multiple assignments.  Some are finishing up some Science World reading, while others are working on their hybrid animals!  Students are at checkpoint #2 of the Hybrid Animal Project which is about the Hybrid Animal's Origin and Backstory. This checkpoint asks students to rationalize and explain WHY their hybrid animal was created, the GENE MODIFICATION technique that was created, the SCIENTIFIC and COMMON NAME for the newly created hybrid organism, and the SOUND that this creature would make make.