How to convert your most difficult conversation to a good memory

Introduction

We spend much of our time at work, at home, and elsewhere having conversations that easily become crucial and require us to handle them well. So, we must be aware how we should execute them.

We can only change our behaviours, our words, and interpretations. We can't change others behaviours, but we can make it safe and kind for them to offer ideas and opinions without the need to fight or take flight.

Laymen explanation

Everyone come across a situation where he/she is talking to someone for some issue which he is not doing the way you see right. It either goes to fight or sadness to you. Can we do something to reverse this? This document helps in this direction

Technical explanation

The point above mentioned is called a crucial conversation. For a conversation to be crucial, following conditions must meet

• • Stack should be high. For example, your guest will be hungry in case the item is delayed in delivery

  • Emotion is high. For example, you never want your guest to have bad memory

  • Opposing opinion. For example, supplier insisting that delivery will be delayed, but you don't want delayed delivery

Below diagram explains the same.

How to identify crucial conversation?

If the topic or idea is important and people don't agree on what to do and individuals are invested in the outcome then you are looking at a crucial conversation. Below are few examples

• Ending a relationship.

• Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments.

• Asking a friend to repay a loan.

• Giving the boss feedback about her behavior.

• Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies.

• Critiquing a colleague’s work

• Asking a roommate to move out

• Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex-spouse.

• Dealing with a rebellious teen.

• Talking to a member who isn’t keeping commitments.

• Discussing problems with sexual intimacy

• Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem.

• Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources

• Giving an unfavorable performance review.

• Asking in-laws to quit interfering.

• Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem.

Content - Pattern - Relationship

This rule helps to identify crucial conversation. The acronym 'CPR' was suggested in the book 'Crucial Accountability'

Content

The content of a violation typically deals with a single event or situation. For example, "you were 20 minutes late starting work today"

Pattern

The next time the problem occurs, we need to talk pattern.

Relationship

As the problem continues, talk about the relational effect of the actions. The consequences for relationships are much bigger than the content or the pattern.

Core conversation points

• Patience and kindness are the most important in executing such conversations.

  • Train yourself to correctly distinguish between Fact and story.

  • Value other thoughts in the same way you value your thoughts. Always rely on facts and scientific analysis in deciding the final action

  • Never try to get result in the single conversation.

  • Clearly explain your thought and validate that person has clearly understand.

  • Avoid Silence patterns such as Withdrawing, Avoiding, and Masking

  • Avoid Violence patterns such as Controlling, Labeling, and Attacking

• Be brave. Manage crucial conversations or they will manage you

Execution tips

• Share your facts - only express observable facts that you have seen or heard

• Tell your story - explain how the facts led you to believe a story without disguising your story as fact

• Ask for others' paths - invite others to share their facts and their stories, so that all can understand how each other sees the issue

• Talk tentatively - respond with curiosity instead of absolutes

• Encourage testing - invite others to challenge your views and statement to maintain safety and continue to grow the shared pool of meaning

Tips for great conversations

• I care about you as person. Both parties should respect each other.

• I care about your purpose. Both parties might have different purposes, but both are genuine for each other purpose valuing.

  • List down purpose of each party. It will help everyone to participate with enthusiasm

  • Both parties must be clear about mutual purpose before starting conversation

• Clearly separate content with intent

  • Think how the recipient feels about the content and communicate in the way you like it be feel

  • Be genuine

  • Communicate intent before sharing content (known as contrast)

Reference

https://images.app.goo.gl/fJCD6bWgFHQVgxKPA

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-you-need-crucial-conversation-skills-paul-j-heidema/

https://books.google.co.in/books/about/Crucial_Conversations_Tools_for_Talking.html?id=VhkQpRH9D9gC&redir_esc=y

https://sourcesofinsight.com/crucial-conversations/

https://www.coaching4growth.co.nz/blog/2015/4/10/content-pattern-relationship