Player Profile: Rakesh Patel

Profile by Sean Farrington

As you would expect of any self-respecting man with Indian heritage, cricket is in your blood, cricket is all you know. And as we all know, R. Patel is no self-respecting man. Arriving on his first day at Wolverhampton Grammar School on the 526 (via Blakenhall and Fighting Cocks), Rakesh showed all the signs of being the next Sachin Tendulkar, but unfortunately being 10st and only 4'9'' was as far as the likeness went. Years went by where he succumbed to the long hops of Dan Plant (and that was just his run-up*), while the torture inside him gathered as his sausage roll addiction increased. As puberty kicked in, and he began to grow, there were signs of hope, but these quickly faded into the Bilston sunset as, after several opinions from medicine's elite concluded, Mixu was left with the knowledge that however much his height increased, his weight was locked in at 10 stone.

Four years of Marsh sledging (his father Rod taught him everything he knew) had left Rakesh with nowhere to turn, nobody to look up to and, with the prospect of not achieving an A-star in Geography becoming more of a reality, nothing to be proud of. Until. Oh yes, until. It was the summer of 1998, August to be precise, and everybody was sat at their homes watching England take on the recently resurgent Sri Lanka down at The Oval . Rakesh would sit in his chair in his living room, rocking back and forth, with every glance at Graeme Hick reminding him of Farrington's class with the bat, every turn of the ball from Ian Salisbury reminding him of Marsh's ripping spin on the Grammar pitches. Who could HE be? Who was HE like? Then the moment that was to change his life forever arrived. A man not seen previously that series was brought on to bowl for Sri Lanka. A spindly man, slightly odd face, wonky arms and a limp wrist. Yes, Rakesh thought what you are all thinking now. HE could be Muttiah Muralitharan.

He spent the next 9 months ferreting through John Inman's back catalogue, determined to get a wrist action to bowl like Mutti. Unbeknownst to him at the time, this would have the terminal side effect of a penchant for tight trousers, and a slight wiggle in his gait. Our reporters are yet to find out where the pointed shoe fetish came from. The Summer of '99 arrived, and with it, the mass marketing of the windball. On the first innings of the first day of Lent term, nobody was keener to bowl than Rakesh Umair Mahendra Patel. Upon seeing this, nobody was keener than Farrington to bat, but little did he know what was coming next. R.U.M. Patel stepped up and released an absolute ripper. Some question the apparent elbow angle of 87 degrees, but with a lack of T.V. replays there could be no appeal. Not only did the batsman have to judge the 3 foot swing and then reverse-swing of the new windball, but upon bouncing, the ball would sometimes turn more than 90 degrees if conditions allowed. As Wisden noted that year: "never before has a delivery reminded a batsman of being sat on the x-axis while a cosine curve was being drawn out in front of him". This batsman, as the majority of batsmen that summer, did not last long at the crease. Patel continued to ply his trade throughout the summer, taking 487 wickets at the cost of 43 runs and two holes in his trousers. Distractions the following year, upon arrival of girls into the Upper Sixth, led Rakesh the way of many a young bowler, as he took the lunch-bell cry of "if there's grass on the wicket, let's play some cricket" the wrong way, leading to the now infamous and analogous use of the phrase.

We are yet to see Rakesh Patel use his skills on a non-cement wicket with a cork ball and stumps instead of a Head (TM) rucksack, but we can only hope that 2009 sees the return of long lost maestro.

*in-joke for ex-WGS students.Note, Dan Plant is pretty big now (c.5'9), be careful before you mention his run-up to his face.

Career Statistics

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Vitalstatistix

Bats: RHB

Bowls: ROB

Fields: Unknown

Height: 5'11

Weight: 9st 12lb

Most likely to: Play down expectations and pleasantly surprise everyone with a five wicket haul

Least likely to: Go for a curry somewhere other than the Lahore Kebab House