Player Profile: James Standage

Profile by Oliver Malcolm

When Susan Boyle strolled out onto the stage for the 2009 Britain’s Got Talent heats, not a soul in the land gave the hairy Glaswegian housewife a shred of human respect, let alone thought that she could ultimately prevail as the triumphant winner of that series. Similarly, when James ‘Le Petit Potate’ Standage lumbered up to the crease to face his first ball against London Erratics, there were those that mocked, those that queried his cricketing physique, and some that even had the audacity to suggest that years of full fat cheese, fruity Bordeaux and Gauloises high tar had finally taken their toll. Emphatically not so.

Indeed, if Boyle’s voice is a to be described as a bell-like alto, a beautiful synergy of effortlessly controlled vibrato and immense depth, then so too Standage’s batting; yet where Boyle contrasts her forte passages with some moments of heart wrenching pianissimo, Standage’s bat makes a singular cricketing sound: much mucho fortissimo. At once, Standage devoured the two spinners with the same ferocity with which he had addressed thirteen tea break sandwiches, his 38 runs delivered skywards, and as follows: 6 1 6 6 6 6 6 1. All the one’s of course were mishit attempts at sixes, and all the sixes effectively worth eights. His overall cameo was made all the more shocking by the revelation that, having narrowly missed a small child approximately 300 feet away, a Golf GTI on the other side of the park, and a lonely heron on the far bank of the Thames, Spud complained claim that he "just couldn’t find the middle of the bat".

As Professor Watson of the Kleeba Academy stated: "It's not rocket science. Sputnik Standage (S) + Ball (B) = Orbit (R)..."

Standage’s aggression at the crease is beautifully complimented by his stealth behind the stumps. Widely compared on debut to a young Joe Gray, Standage's gravity-defying antics have been marvelled at by wicketkeepers across the cricketing world. As of May 2009, Standage was rumoured to be close to signing with Jeffrey Dujon's new label to promote a new sportswear range.

Career Statistics

Not the MCC

Batting