Not the MCC vs PSB Casuals

5 July 2008

by Sean Farrington

Not The M.C.C. did something with the toss and fielded first. On the greenest, juiciest, most uneven of pitches the like of which has not been seen since the knockabout on Paddington Recreational Grounds, the batsmen were cautious early on and the opening bowling pair of Edwin Van Der Perks and Virus "The Cyrus" Virus smelt blood. Some suspiciously good Virus banter from The Colonel of Cow Corner had The Prince of Prada sensibly querying how he was going to keep this up for 40 overs, having peaked with "Cmon Virus, let's raise this to Bio-Hazard Level 2!" after 8 balls. Like his innings later in the day, The Colonel's early promise dried up pretty quickly, hopefully not a prognostication of Our Opener's Sister's Evening Ahead.

Great line, length and pace from Billy Ray went unrewarded, leaving our Captain Pocket Dynamo with remnants of an Achy Breaky Heart. Fortunately at the other end Edward ScissorPerks was cutting the ball back off the seam and generating some classic uneven bounce, hopefully not a prognostication of Our Opener's Sister's Evening Ahead. Having pitched the ball 17 yards and 11 inches down the track for the 14th consecutive ball, Perksy followed up one that lifted with a textbook grubhunter that upon pitching did not leave the ground, and clean bowled their opener. Game on.

In what really was a superb example of opening bowling, the batsmen were continually kept on the back foot, field placings aggressive and reward should have arrived in the Virus' 4th over when the batsman, not quite fully set, attempted to drive a ball that pitched on a length, mishit the ball to cover point, where Hamer Boot, fresh from his 17 bottles of cider and suicide attempt in front of a bus the night before, somehow managed to drop a dolly. If the fact his fellow Demon had managed to drop a similar dolly belted at him at silly mid-off the over before (wearing helmet but no box) was making him feel any better, the fact the fortunate batsman then went on to make a rather classy century only succeeded in psyching the former Chilean International up further for his own innings later on. (Rumours that the centurian was heard muttering the words "This one's for you Jobbers" as his reached his ton went unproven).

The runs began to flow as the wicket flattened out and a wicket became harder to find, so Piyush turned to his first change bowlers, Devons Farrington and Malcolm. Farrington's inconsistent rhythm meant he was consistently fumbling around on a length, struggling to find the spot, giving the batsman little to play with, and hence posing little threat of a satisfactory climax for either side. Quite.

At the other end, Oliver, Charles and Malcolm were all bowling considerably more aggressively than most of us might have imagined, although not as aggressively as their faces might have had us believe on the run-up. Again unfortunate to go unrewarded in this spell, the captain felt it was time to turn to a modern version of Plan Off-Spin: Plan Flight. At the mid-innings drinks break, the PSB Casuals were 117-1 off 20 overs and morale was Not high among the Not The M.C.C. troops. Step forward the Admiral of Armani. After 20 handbag-free overs from the slip cordon there was plenty of inertia in those lengthy arms to flight a ball so perfectly that the groundsman had to give Heathrow Traffic Control a heads-up about potential interference with their flight path over Wandsworth. After the batsman had had two full swings at the ball before it had travelled halfway down the pitch, he eventually succumbed to the eventuality of the event of being cleaned bowled, and off 'e vent.

Two wickets down, three hours of work to go.

Once again the runs began to flow and the other other half of Plan Flight was brought into action. True to form, The Ripper stepped up, collecting a stumping and a catch in the process. Oliver, Charles and Malcolm took a wicket a-piece to rip through the tail and, not for the last time that day, a Watson effort was rewarded by a Malay after a great one handed job in taking the ball.

After a splendid amount of pork, both pre-cooked and bbq-ed, was quaffed under the gazebo, Not the M.C.C. set out to bat chasing 225 off 40 overs, a very plausible target, with considerable praise going to the captain for keeping the run-rate required down.

In Boot and Watson going out to bat, it reminded me of the time I had some Calcium Carbonate and Calcium Sulphate as two of my Quattro Formaggi. Unsurprisingly, as on that occasion, only one half of the serving gave me any pleasure this time round. With the attitude of "I'm leaving nothing" and "Footwork schmootwork", Hamer Boot pressed his case for a call-up to the England squad under the much-publicised and even more controversial Lurpak ruling with a rapido 38 off around 30 balls, with the highlight a beautiful drive off his toes (i.e. on a length) through mid-on. Meanwhile the Limestone Cowboy at the other end was satisfying an audience of nobody with his forward defending of juicy half-volleys and refusal to run to anything unless it was belted to someone with the co-ordination of Grant Christopher on pot. After Hamer Boot came Clayton "Infora" Penny at number three. Debate among members of The Other Team already being into our tail was put to bed when The Farthing wagon-wheeled his way round the ground, overtaking Charlie Chalk's current score within four balls and, I must admit, making you look rather sedimentary, my dear Watson.

With Ian Botham ready to give up his walk for some charity to come and run out The Cowboy, a few more lives were saved when he got out somehow, no-one was watching, shortly after. Next up, the Joe Gray of Cricket, the man someone made captain, and apparently was good at cricket some time ago, Mr Piyush Mahapatra. The PM quickly lost this tag, playing some glorious shots reminiscent of Daddy Demon in his youth, and quickly rattled up a good few runs to assist The Farthing onto his 4s/6d, who went down in history as the first man to raise his bat to the crowd while on 49. The next few dismissals went rather straightforwardly, with The Colonel the lowest contributor, rapped on the back pad while stepping back in the crease giving the umpires Oliver, Charles and Malcolm little to discuss in giving him swiftly out. With around 30 needed off 40 balls, The Monarch Of Moschino, Perks and Farrington brought the score down to a couple needed off the last over where The Rotter, having kept wicket for 40 overs pretty faultlessly (stumping included) and then fielded for the opposition for 30 overs pretty faultlessly, continued to improve his infinite average for the summer by seeing off the winning runs with half an over to spare.

Some photos from the game can be seen here.