2007 Season

All match reports courtesy of Stephen Harrison.

Christ's v Trinity

Christ's v Wolfson

Christ's v Woozlers

Christ's v UCAS Clearing XI

Christ’s vs. Trinity

Unable to fix this toss for this game, Harrison promptly lost it and was inserted by Hilton. Don’t worry this is not a Paris joke, they come later – don’t they Bartle.

Asked to set a target by a Trinity side more cocky than Ben Blyth and Gianluca Consoli on a Viagra-fuelled pillage in Cindies, Mostofi, opening for Christ’s, set off as only he can. Slowly. Very slowly. By blocking the first 6 balls.

Harrison’s suggestion that the game be reduced to 19 overs per side was ignored.

Mostofi’s influence initially appeared to be rubbing off on his impressionable colleague Chris Blake who, proudly sporting University clothing despite a 31 all-out annihilation a day earlier, blocked his first 3 balls. Then he hit a streaky 4 through the gully region to the joy of the already tired onlookers. He then hit another 4 through point.

Finally Mostofi crept off the mark with a 2, but, like the tortoise emerging from hibernation a day early, soon crept back into his shell [dubious – do tortoises hibernate? My only knowledge is based on the one from Blue Peter and they used to put him in a box; but that might have just been animal cruelty] and didn’t score again for another 10 balls.

At the other end Blake made up for his partners impotence, in a role reversal to his usual bedroom practice, hitting another 4 down to third man. This prompted Collins to explode, not literally, with rage. ‘All your fucking runs go through third man’ he cried; ‘put a third-man in then you cock’ the Christ’s supporters responded. A very quiet response it must be noted as Collins was actually taller than the whole Christ’s team combined; even with Ben Blyth lying on his back…

Just as the boys began to up the rate, disaster, depending on your concept of entertaining cricket, struck as Mostofi ran himself out. By a long way.

He was replaced by Nik Shah who entered into the spirit of the game by failing to score from his first three balls and then hitting a four just as Stanton was beginning to contemplate triggering his man.

Together with Blake he pushed the score along, destroying Rees’ figures by hitting 11 from his last over; his first three had cost just 3. Although they had all been bowled at Abteen.

Shah was just looking set when he was undone by a bit of magic from the Trinity fielding unit. He lofted a ball from Reddy over the infield but the lad at extra-cover ran backwards, dived and took a blinding one-handed catch. Joe Harris has written ‘Caught Rutt, Soliiid!’ in the scorebook. Quite.

This brought Sweeney Todd [nickname copyright Ben Blyth and Abteen Mostofi] to the crease, on his return to the Christ’s side after a year out due to crap excuses. Like choir, medicine, choir, medicine, choir, and medicine. The demon Barber, however, was quickly into his stride, taking just 5 balls to reach double figures. If only he practiced.

Blake upped his anti, in the cricketing rather than the Ben Blyth Lincolnshire sense, and raced to his 50. He then got out. Bowled. Trying to hit the ball for 12.

He was replaced by Harrison, who was in turn replaced by Paul Sutton rather rapidly. Second ball rapidly if you were to be specific. For 0 if you want to be even more specific. And if you want to be even more specific he was run out having been dropped in the same ball. Though I am usually somewhat long-winded in my approach to match reports I feel one word will suffice at this moment. Fuck.

Sutton, making his college cricketing debut, had smashed the ball miles in the nets. He didn’t in the middle. However, he did tick the scoreboard along with an excellently crafted…2, which enabled Barber to dominate the final overs. Both would finish not out having heinously played for their averages, on 2 and 18 respectively.

This left the nepotistically selected Bogie furious on the sideline. His eagerness to get involved had been displayed throughout the innings, indeed at the fall of one wicket he was seen rubbing his hands together at Square Leg, where he was umpiring, and exclaiming under his breath ‘here comes the Bogie.’ He might not have got a bat but he has played first team football this season; which is more than Hakin can say.

Christ’s finished on exactly 120 for 4, Blake top-scoring with 58.

There is little to report in terms of the Trinity innings in terms of cricket – we didn’t take a wicket, both their batters got 50, and they got the runs in 15 overs – but there is much banter to mention briefly.

We shall begin with Rees. He didn’t get much banter ‘cos he was actually quite good. On one occasion he was challenged by the ever-chirpy Bartle to hit one with the middle of the bat; the previous ball had just gone straight into the tennis courts for 6.

On the subject of the middle of the bat, his partner Hilton didn’t seem to have one. Or at least he showed no evidence of this. Yet somehow his bat was covered in red ball-marks. A bemused Harrison asked his opposite number whether he had painted them on. Hilton didn’t see the funny side.

Nor was he amused when Bartle decided to take a further hand in the games banter. I can’t actually remember what it was, beyond it being something awful about Paris Hilton. Nugget did then redeem himself, however, by shouting ‘lads, look, he’s got his IQ on the back of his shirt’; the Trinity skipper was sporting number 85.

Bowling wise Sweeney Todd got hit for 6, thought about looking a little bit angry, but then remembered that he is far too gentlemanly for that.

And so the game ended in a defeat of Cannae-ite proportions, leaving Christ’s with the difficult task of beating a Wolfson side, who had beaten Trinity, to stay in the competition.

Christ’s vs. Wolfson

After this disappointing defeat attention turned to an unconventional Sunday double-header. Which, incidentally, esteemed members of college such as Ben Wildblood and Timothy Demon [gossip copyright Jobbers last season and possibly used incorrectly here, but then hey it may stimulate some good natured debating on a list which has been sadly quiet thus far this season] have assured me is a most pleasurable way to spend a Sunday.

First up was Wolfson, cuppers finalists last year and a team who had beaten defending champions Trinity only a couple of weeks earlier. The game was scheduled, in unprecedented fashion, for a Sunday morning at 10:30. The reason is that the Wolfson captain had been refusing to answer e-mails for a week leaving little time for the game to be played before the deadline. An angry e-mail from Harrison to the cuppers secretary quickly produced an e-mail from the Wolfson team; the Captain had been hospitalized with appendicitis. Aren’t we demanding, cold-hearted bastards.

The Christ’s side had something of a make-shift look about it with debutants Sherr, Fernandes, and Consoli [that was one pound in fines Gianny – debut, seasonal debut, cuppers debut etc] filling in for the unavailable Barber (presumably choir); Duncan (having apple crumble and custard with a friend) and Nowell (either tennis or having tea with the Queen [his excuse for missing the Trinity game]. I heard he was going to pull her until he realised she wasn’t blonde.)

Anyway, Harrison tossed well and inserted the opposition.

Harrison opened with a wide and was hit for 4 with his second legal delivery by the bearded Barnes, but then settled into a nice rhythm in his second over. An over in which he was robbed off his first, and only likely, wicket of the season by the cheating cock of an umpire – who, when faced with an LBW shout – could only say ‘not out’ and, when asked a reason for the refusal, responded ‘it might have pitched outside leg.’ It might have done – but it didn’t you fucking cheating bastard.

Just to clarify, that final sentence was directed entirely at Mostofi and not at the umpire. Just like Beacham’s last season…

At the other end the new ball was given to Ben Blyth, who promptly tried to get rid of the shine as quickly as possible. His first over went for 5, his second over for 19. He was taken off.

A double change then for Christ’s saw Nik Shah and, implausibly, Abteen Mostofi enter the fray. It was Mostofi, named Mustafa in the scorebook by the racist Wolfson scorer [that was something else you got fined for Gianny – racism], who settled first; his very slow right arm pie going for just 2 in his first over.

At the other end Shah’s second over was dispatched a long way by Barnes who, deciding his sizeable bulk could no longer cope with running, hit out. Out of the ground. Shah was also taken off. Mostofi, however, lumbered on and got his reward when Reshad was caught comfortably by Blake at point. Well they weren’t going to give him out LBW.

Shah was replaced by Blyth who bowled a tidy first over, going for just 2, but unfortunately sprayed it about for a bit, not for the first time, in a dreadful second. A 24 run, 10 ball, dreadful second; including four 4s and a 6. I think the figures perhaps say everything.

At the other end the Mostofi and Blake show continued with a second dismissal. A much better dismissal. Simon, the one who looked like Johnny Depp’s ugly brother in a red bandana and sporting stupid hair, hit the ball out to deep mid-wicket where Blake charged in, well by his standards charged, slid forward and took an excellent catch.

Blake himself then took the ball and, together with Nik Shah bowled 4 tight (ish) overs. Ok they weren’t that tight, but I’m running out of epithets ‘cos my Microsoft Word Thesaurus doesn’t work. In fairness, Nik’s figures were only spoiled by a 6 from his last ball. A very, very, very big 6 which ended up somewhere near Norwich. Joe Harris safely negotiated the dangerous tennis court fence, something Matt Sherr should perhaps have learnt from, but then couldn’t find the ball. A replacement was found. Meanwhile, 5 miles away a farmer was left angered by the sudden appearance of a cricket ball in his tractor.

Blake, however, then took the vital wicket of Luke Barnes, who had hit the aforementioned 6 as part of his rapid 61. A rank long-hop, disguised as a quicker ball, was shovelled out to point where it was comfortably taken by… Gianluca Consoli. Making up for a couple of earlier fielding errors, a slide-tackle passed the ball which resulted in a boundary [40p], a fumble on the line resulting in another 4 [30p], Consoli confidently took the catch. We rewarded you with 10p off your fines Gianni.

There are some things in life money can’t buy; for the CC(CC)C there is the Consoli fines money.

With the danger-man gone Christ’s hoped to restrict the Wolfson total and Harrison returned to partner Blake at the close. His first over was spoilt by a wide but included the first ‘gas’ out of the season. [Terminology copyright Social Menace]. Harrison dived to stop a straight drive, could only parry it on to the non-striking batsman’s pad who was stranded out of his ground as Harrison gratefully picked the ball up and flicked the bails off. Well if you can’t take proper wickets…

I should also point out here that at one point Blake bowled a ball which the batsman left, and which missed off-stump by about 6 inches, and was called a wide. Blake was enraged. Rightly so. He didn’t call the umpire a cheating bastard though; his girlfriend doesn’t like him swearing…

A couple of hits by Praveen saw Wolfson pass 150, while Blake chipped in with another wicket caught and bowled. The ever-praising Consoli ran in from the boundary to offer Chris his congratulations, ‘Chris you’re amazing’ he cried; ‘I know’ was the response, ‘You can suck me off later Gianni.’ Both were fined accordingly for this domestic intrusion into the game.

The 20 overs came to a close with Wolfson 152 for 5.

Needing to score at nearly 8 an over, Christ’s began in typical style; Mostofi blocking out a maiden. In similarly typical fashion, Blake hit his first ball for 4. I know who I’d rather watch bat…

Just as Mostofi was getting his eye in, however, he was dismissed by Mann for a relatively rapid 6. He was replaced by Shah who was out caught for just 2 and Christ’s were reeling at 16 for 2.

Eager to make up for his failure against Trinity, Harrison strode to the crease. He was as surprised as everybody else when he drove his first ball through the covers for four. Even Jonny Depp was impressed behind the stumps. He followed this up with another cover drive, this time for three, to prove the first shot wasn’t entirely a fluke.

Together Harrison and Blake began to dominate the bowling. Successive overs from Praveen were hit for 10, whilst the Viking was dispatched, somewhat fortuitously it must be admitted, for 17 in two overs.

Harrison had raced to 38 from jut 25 balls when he was undone by a piece of shite. A rank bad long hop bounced up nicely to about chest-height; the short boundary in sight Harrison went for it, and bottom-edged onto the stumps.

The paid had added almost 70 in just 8 overs.

Harrison was replaced by Stanton who was caught behind off the first legal delivery he faced. Christ’s were in trouble. What makes it even more irritating is that the bowler was the thrush (to borrow a Simmons & Simmons term) who had cheated when he umpired, and given a wide against Chris Blake.

Fuming with himself Harrison went out to umpire. He gave a wide against Reshad second ball. And almost felt vindicated.

Though the Wolfson players must have thought they had the game in the bag, Ben Blyth had different ideas. He and Blake hit out and miraculously Blyth hit the first 6 of the season. I must confess I found that sentence very, very difficult to type.

Blake reached 48 but then went for one big shot too many and was caught on the boundary. Another excellent knock, demonstrating that second team Blues batsmen can actually hold the bat.

He was replaced by Consoli who strode to the wicket confidently, if nothing else. Clad in beige shorts, shit shoes and a football top Consoli took guard. His attire cost him a good two pounds. Eager to follow his usual motto in life, to do whatever Chris Blake has done, Consoli swung hard at the first ball but came up short as the ball didn’t quite make the boundary. Gianni lumbered back for a sloppy second; not for the first time. Or the second. Or the third. And certainly not for the last.

The two Casanovas of the Christ’s College cricketing world began to work some of their magic but then Blyth suddenly lost his touch. Having scored 20 from 14 balls, Blyth then failed to score from his next six and was dismissed by number 7.

His replacement was Bartle, who inquired of his partner what the bowler was doing. ‘Nothing’s happening’ Consoli responded, perhaps answering a different question. Bartle hit his first ball to point and ran. Point fumbled it, slightly. Nugget ran again. And got nowhere near the crease.

He was replaced by the Social Menace who ran a couple of twos, then got tired and had a lie down in the middle of the over. We were going to tell him to get up, but we’re scared of him. He then got bowled.

And so in came Matt Sherr on his club debut. He ended not out 0.

Consoli also ended up not out at the other end having declared ‘yeh I’m playing for my average’ and ‘I’m not running from the final ball, I don’t want to get out.’ This proved to be fiscal.

Christ’s ended on a respectable 141 for 8 from 20 overs; an excellent effort and one that could so easily have been successful had lady luck been smiling. Unfortunately Lady Luck was just one of the 6 girls Gianni has made cry at Cindies. He was fined accordingly.

Christ’s vs. Woozlers

And so on to part three of this epic week of cricket; the Woozlers.

This saw a few changes to the team; Stanton, Blake and Consoli all refused to play due to work. All were fined. And in came Upton, Arun, and Rich Duncan (once he’d finished his apple crumble – though sportingly he turned down the Vienetta to arrive only 5 overs late.)

Stanton was in particular trouble in the fines meeting having told the captain that Woozlers were providing a barbecue and that no tea was required; they didn’t, and it was. A scavenging committee headed by Bartle, an expert in such matters, was promptly dispatched to the Co-Op to rectify the issue. Moreover, Stanton had gone home with the new balls. Luckily for Matt, the Bucket had a stash in his bag. He commented, ‘Yeh they’re Indian balls so they’re probably shit.’ For the first time ever an Asian was given a racism fine.

Learning from his errors in the art of tossing in the Trinity Cuppers game, Harrison fixed the toss by telling the Woozlers skipper that Christ’s had no batting and that it would be an insult to the name of cricket if we had to bat first. Somewhat begrudgingly Seaborn agreed to bat.

Harrison opened with a maiden to the Woozlers captain, clad in a striking multi-coloured hat. Blyth took the new ball from the other end and went for just 4 from his first over, under half of his economy rate in the first half of the day.

With very little of note happening in the first 6 overs of the game, apart from some dubious song-themed chat by Blyth and Bartle, the chuckle-brothers of the Christ’s side, Harrison decided it was time for some banter and turned to Nugget to provide it.

He didn’t.

Fortunately, the fielders for once listened to their captain and backed up their bowler, or at least Matt Sherr did.

A straight drive was missed by Bartle who tried to kick it and headed out towards the long-off boundary. Sherr turned on the gas as he raced after the ball but couldn’t quite prevent the four. Unperturbed Sherr decided the catch the ball at all costs. He plunged headlong down the hill…into a fence. A metal fence. A metal fence with a very big, hard metal pole. Despite putting his hands out to stop himself, Sherr nevertheless managed to head-butt the pole. Hard.

The fielding side collapsed; as did Sherr. Although for slightly different reasons, the fielders out of mirth, Sherr out of pain. He hobbled off to be replaced by a ten-year old fielder. Who was incidentally much better.

Fernandes at the other end bowled well without anything of interest really happening. Although he did go in the scorebook as ‘black trousers’; Blyth tried to Rob-Hakin-Racism fine their scorer, it cost him a good thirty pence.

Shah, dubiously named black undershirt in the scorebook, came on to replace Fernandes at the Pavilion End. Revell could only sky the fourth ball of the over towards Fernandes at mid-on who ran backwards, nonchalantly stuck out his left hand and clutched the ball.

In the very next over, Bartle, still toiling away from newly dubbed Matt Sherr Fence end, had Seaborn caught by the wicket-keeper Mostofi. I repeat, by the wicket-keeper Mostofi. A sad day for all those connected with Christ’s College Cricket (Croquet and Country) Club. Especially any bowler who had the dubious pleasure of running into bowl seeing Abs grinning innately like a 5 year old.

On the subject of Abteen’s age, we had been promised the re-appearance of an even older Mostofi this Sunday. However, just when we were all getting excited about the prospect of actually scoring no runs in twenty overs, Abteen sent me the following e-mail:

‘Sorry gas, my bro can’t play, he’s being gay.’

The vocabulary of a 23 (?) year old doctor in waiting…

This brought Beaumont to the crease who smacked Shah for two fours and then hit him straight to Mike Upton at mid-off. Luckily, on this occasion Kidney didn’t have a hole in his hands and he clung on comfortably to leave the Woolzers on 55 for 3.

Fed up of Shah taking all the glory, Harrison turned to the leg-spin/pie of the social menace. Harris began relatively tidily, but was somewhat surprised when he was offered a second over, shocked when offered a third, gobsmacked when given a fourth, and then refused to bowl a fifth. He was unlucky not to have Grimshaw caught on the boundary, where Chris Blake would have been fielding had he not been revising. This happened four times in one over, at 50 pence per drop it was an expensive time for Chris.

There was a wicket on a Harris over, however, when Grimshaw hit the ball into the legside and call for a run, only to see Harrison throw down the stumps at the strikers end to run the dubiously named Quentin Harmer out for none.

Prior to this Rich Duncan had taken two wickets with Yorkers; second bounce Yorkers. Fully disgusted with such an immoral way to take wickets, Harrison took him off and brought Fernandes back.

Fernandes should have had a wicket when Grimshaw flicked it away through the leg-side in between Ben Blyth’s hands at square leg. ‘There’s a whole in his bucket’ shouted Bucket. He wasn’t wrong.

With Joe Harris mutinying at one end a replacement bowler was required, and found in the unconventional form of Arun Dhanraj, making his college debut. Making his college debut in a Queen’s erg t-shirt, which is apparently something associated with rowing. His failure to learn from his fellow freshers Consoli cost him an awful lot.

His bowling proved useful, however, and, though not troubling the batsman, he did look like getting the occasional ball on the strip. His two overs cost 16 and saw Grimshaw pass 50 and retire.

Eager to clean up the tail Harrison dubiously brought himself back on, having still failed to take a wicket this season. Perhaps unsurprisingly he didn’t look like taking one here but with the final ball of his second over he managed another ‘gas’ out, running out the non-striker who had backed up too far.

In the meantime Blyth had bowled Collins, meaning that Harrison’s run out brought young Ed Hyde to the crease.

Anxious not to destroy his bowler’s confidence, Harrison replaced Blyth with Bartle, who was promptly given a lessen in technique by a ten year old. Hyde guided the first ball he faced down to short-third man for one, allowing Jegandan to hit a four.

During the final over the eagle-eyed skipper, stationed at point, spotted some promising talent on the tennis court. The eagle-eyed skipper who has just remembered that his girlfriend’s brother is on this list. His girlfriend’s brother who is about 8 foot tall and shoots rifles…hmm. Blyth at cover, wasn’t sure and the debate continued into the tea interval. Here Bucket took a hand, noticing the scorer’s binoculars on the table, he had a cheeky glance. His raised eyebrow and comment of ‘oh yes you would’ earned him the plaudits of Ben Blyth and a pervert fine. Blyth and Bartle took things even further apparently mis-hitting a football onto the tennis courts. Bartle was even so gentlemanly as to return the girl in questions tennis ball when he was.

Woozlers finished their 30 overs on 164 for 9.

With Blake revising and Mostofi shattered from wicket-keeping it was Nik Shah and Ben Blyth who opened the batting for Christ’s. Shah could have been out first ball of the innings, but Harrison was feeling in a generous mood.

Shah began to make the most of his good fortune hitting the bowling around the ground. However, he was undone by a lack of footwork reminiscent of Hakin on the dancefloor, and edged behind where the wicket keeper took an incredible one handed catch away to his right.

This brought Rich Duncan took the crease and he looked stylish in defence, taking a Mostofi-like 9 balls to score a run. At the other end Blyth was bowled by Beaumont, another undone by lack of foot-movement. This brought Mostofi to the crease and, in a shock to the system, he got off the mark first ball. He even joined Duncan in hitting a couple of fours.

Duncan, however, was bowled by Jegandan just as he was beginning to get into his stride and Harrison followed two overs later, trying to hit a length ball for 12. In fairness, he lost the ball in Kev Rice’s enormous, and monstrous, orange jumper. Kev, despite turning up to watch and umpire out of the goodness of his heart, was fined for this by the tyrannical captain in the fines meeting.

With Harrison gone the banter began. Matt Sherr was out first ball. I didn’t see it, I was still taking my pads off, but apparently it swung. Although if he couldn’t see a great, big huge fuck-off massive fence, I’m not convinced he’d spy the comparatively small red spherical object being propelled towards him. Especially given than he was having difficulty seeing beyond his enormously swollen lip.

And so entered the Bartle, on a hat-trick ball. He negotiated this with a swipe back over the bowler’s head for 2 and then suddenly Nugget began to look like a cricketer, climbing into a technically superb cover drive for 4. His first ever 4, in over twenty years of life. And incidentally the first thing he’s climbed into for a long time.

At the other end Mostofi was making up for lost time, failing to score from 13 consecutive deliveries and adding just 4 in 21 balls. However, Mostofi’s defensive outlook can now be explained thanks to ground-breaking historical research into his past. New archaeological evidence has revealed that his family’s motto, when translated from the ancient Persian in which it is written, reads something like this:

If you can bat, but not feel pressure to entertain

Whilst those around you cave in to the crowd.

If you can bat forever like a drain

When others might prove to be not so proud.

If you can defend the ball for days on end

Without coming close to scoring a run

You may drive your team-mates round the friggin’ bend

But – what is more – you’ll be a Mostofi, my son!

Anyway, Bartle was out caught for 6, making way for another Christ’s debutant, Mike (Matt) Upton. Eager to demonstrate to the squad that he had been making productive use of his spare time by picking up some coaching tips, Upton swiped at a couple and connected to pick up the odd single. He was bowled for 2 to replaced by Mark Fernandes.

At this point Bartle and Sherr requested to umpire. Harrison agreed, and Bartle celebrated by giving Mostofi out LBW. For once the Ayatollah accepted the umpire’s decision.

Social menace was net to be dismissed for 5, including one four which I can’t really remember. Sorry menace.

Then the Woozlers began to take the piss and brought on the ten year old to bowl. Mark Fernandes, however, was keen to demonstrate exactly who was boss and smacked the poor kid for four first ball. He might as well have taken a leaf out of Karthik’s book of how to deal with insolent youngsters and told the kid to ‘learn some fucking manners’ such was the disdain with which he treated the poor little lad.

The game was all over in the next over, however, when Arun was out caught.

Christ’s finished all out for 106, Fernades finishing on 13 not out.

Then came the truly epic part of the day; an hour long fines meeting. Stanton, Blake and Consoli (more on him in a moment) were badly fined for refusing to play in the second day. Blyth was fined for racism for his comment after Matt Sherr beat Joe Harris in a race for the ball, ‘Ah Joe, you’ve just been gassed by a Jew’; he then said the captain was behaving like Stalin and was fined for pseudo-Marxism. Bartle talked himself into trouble, as, inevitably did the social ‘stato’ menace, who appeared to be battered by half way through the fines meeting and started talking shite.

And then there was Consoli. Who wasn’t even there. I gather there has been much discussion amongst the Old Boys about his self-proclaimed Demon status. This cost him £1 per offence, of which there were three. Then there was the racism, the playing cuppers in shorts fine and more besides.

As the meeting went on the fines kept racking up. The final total looked like this:

Mostofi: £2.19

Blake: £6.80

Bucket: £2.17

Stanton: £5.10

Fernandes: £2.37

Bartle: £4.10

Duncan: £3.80

Harris: £4.46

Sherr: £7.58

Kidney: £3.70

Arun: £4.80

Blyth: £8.01

Harrison: £9.76

Kev Rice: £1.10

Gianluca Consoli: £17.

And so ends something slightly more epic than I wanted it to be initially. My revision has gone down the shitter, but there we go.

Christ’s vs. UCAS Clearing XI

Finally the return of cricket, and with it ‘Gas Report.’ I aim to be more fluent than I was when batting.

After a week of tropical heat Christ’s captain Harrison was in an uncharacteristically optimistic mood on Friday as he pondered on the possibility of cricket later that evening, ‘it’ll probably piss it down at 4:30’ he told Stanton at lunchtime, who replied in typically eloquent fashion, ‘shut the fuck up’ ; luckily, and not for the first time, Harrison was wrong. So with a picturesque (though not quite so picturesque as the old Christ’s ground) ground bathed in evening sunshine Christ’s awaited the arrival of their first opponents of the season… Blytho’s mates’. Originally conceived as a banter match, the game took on increased importance due to the fact that is has pissed it down for two weeks so we hadn’t played.

In the true spirit of gentlemanly cricket, Harrison and Blyth informed the visiting captain that his team, the appropriately named ‘UCAS Clearing XI’ would be bowling. Eager to capitalise on the opportunity to spend some time in the middle Stanton triggered Mostofi last ball of the opening over so that he could have a bat. That is Mostofi’s story anyway. Needless to say it’s bollocks, and StanCam, which was in operation on the boundary, has subsequently revealed that Mostofi actually middled it to the wicket-keeper, Mr Viking.

Though I doubt Mostofi will be convinced about the accuracy of his dismissal even with television replays, the word of both umpires, the batsman at the non-strikers end, all 11 fielders, and every spectator in the ground.

That brought Nik Shah to the crease, eager to impress the on-looking Jordanna, for his Christ’s debut and, together with another debutant, Chris Blake, began to move the score along. Chris then evidently got wind of his girlfriend’s fears that she would be unable to correctly make sandwiches so got himself out trying to hit a yorker for 12 in order to offer his reassurances. So loving.

This brought Harrison to the crease with Christ’s reeling on… well I can’t tell you what it was on because nobody’s written the fall of wicket down in the scorebook. Jimmy Oh I’m looking firmly in your direction. Anyway, it must have been about 30 for 2 after 5 overs. These opening 5 overs had seen Blyth despatched to all parts for a costly 7 runs from 2 overs, though he had benefited from Stanton’s reluctance, or laziness, to give wides for balls that hit the fielder at square leg.

Shah was dismissed LBW by Everlington in the 10th over with the score in the mid-50s; the eagle-eyed umpire Mostofi apparently missing a thin edge, not for the first time in the course of the game. The debutant had contributed a promising 21, scored predominantly through the leg-side. At least I assume it was the leg-side, Joe Harris’ computer died before he saved the wagonwheels so the one exciting element of our batting performance has been lost. He wandered off waving his bat in the umpire’s face to be replaced by Rich Duncan.

Harrison and Duncan then began to move the score along in distinctly uninteresting fashion, as they dropped the ball and ran to the deep-set field. On moment of note came when both ended up stopping in mid-run, having a brief chat in the middle of the wicket before ambling home just in time.

With 5 overs left, as Stanton on the sideline became more vociferous in his condemnation of the Collingwood-esque approach pioneered by his skipper, the batting pair began to lift the tempo. Harrison advanced down the wicket to Travis and gracefully cross-batted him over mid-wicket for 4, then hoiked him over mid-wicket for 4 narrowly avoiding a lurking boundary fielder. Duncan attempted to follow suit against the returning Billings but missed by about three foot and was bowled.

Finally this brought Stanton to the crease, after 15 overs with pads on. Eager to live up to his reputation as the amateur Paul Nixon, Matt wound up for his first ball, aimed high… and missed.

A couple of big shots and a lot of scampering in the final over saw Christ’s finish on 148 for 4, with Harrison not out on 46 and Stanton making 1 according to the scorebook, but none according to everybody else.

With Christ’s relinquishing control of the scorebook at the change of innings, there was a sudden change of names for the two teams, the UCAS Clearing XI becoming the ‘UEA Allstars,’ whilst, in a moment of polytechnic wit, Christ’s became ‘Posh Toffs.’

The Viking, who I’m told be Joe ‘statto’ Harris used to ‘implausibly’ be a hurdler, opened the batting for UEA UCAS with an unknown, cultured, Gower-esque left-hander who showed flair, charisma, style, grace and a host of other epithets in his beautifully crafted 2, before dollying a catch to Chris Blake, who juggled the ball like he did girls in Michelmas, and eventually caught it. In short, Ben Blyth came and went quickly. No comment.

Blyth fell victim to Mark Fernandes, another debutant, who seemed to assume that the 20-20 ‘something different’ catchphrase applied to clothing, and turned up in an assortment of colours. He bowled a couple of accurate overs, taking 1 for 6 before being replaced at the Pavilion End by another pyjama-clad bowler in the (very sizeable) form of Robert Newman. Newman toiled hard, mainly the product of his abnormally long run-up, bowling his allotted 4 overs for just 29 runs.

The other opening bowler was Rich Duncan who bowled two overs for thirteen runs and then left. So he had a bat, and a bowl, turned up late and left early, can’t say fairer, or indeed ‘finer’ than that.

Bored of miss-fielding the ball at cover the skipper decided to have a bowl and replaced Duncan, bowling two overs and taking one wicket, that of the Viking (16), for just 1 run.

Harrison was then replaced by Nik Shah who made good use of his natural height, pulling Jordanna without standing on a chair. No I jest. Angling the ball in to the right hander, Shah proved hard to play, except when he dropped it short and was spanked miles by Low and Howarth. Shah had his revenge, however, bowling the latter for 10 to leave UEA 60 for 3 after 11 overs.

Then the game got silly.

Harrison, anxious to rattle through the remaining batsmen looked around and…threw the ball to Bartle. Nugget paced out his ‘run’ up, the crowd waited with baited breath, the Viking, umpiring at square leg, donned a protective helmet and asked for a second can of beer. Bartle ‘ran’ in, he let rip… and bowled a wide, miles down the leg-side, which Ben Blyth was only too delighted to signal.

But, after this loosener, Bartle settled into a rhythm and only third ball he got his reward bowling Travis with a snorting delivery which cut in leaving Travis’ bat waving like driftwood. Sorry; all the good ones were used in the game.

Edlington and Low then began to move the score along for the batting side, mainly at the expense of Mostofi who, after being despatched for two fours in his opening over, suggested that he was perhaps more suited to opening the bowling with the new ball.

With the batsmen looking dangerous, however, the fearsome Bartle intervened again. A great away swinger that just beat the outside edge of Low’s bat was followed by a rank bad ball which the batsman could only hit straight down the throat of Shah at deep backward square leg. The Bucket lived up to his nickname, taking the catch comfortably, sending Bartle into childish celebration and Blyth into fits of hysterics. It was only when the batsman had departed that the Viking suggested that, to crown the comedy of Bartle taking two wickers, a no-ball should be called.

Visiting captain Jones was the next man in and, having stood at the non-strikers end for a few balls from Mosotfi was promptly bowled for 0 by old father time, his textbook forward defensive unfortunately aimed at a ball some metres away from the actual delivery.

Then the game got even sillier; Jimmy Oh was thrown the ball.

Fortunately for Jimmy, on this occasion he managed to catch it. A previous attempt to stop the ball at extra-cover had seen him slip, fly feet first towards the oncoming ball, miss it, have it skim up his body and almost knock him out. Everybody laughed. Oh, however, was more fortunate than the unlucky spectator who, in attempting to evade a ball hit to the boundary at mid-on, only managed to roll into it and cry out in agony. The game paused momentarily while everybody laughed again.

Back to the action. Jimmy steamed in first ball and, sort of, forgot to stop, almost kicking the batsman as he bowled a huge no-ball. His second legal delivery sent the on-looking crowd into raptures. A short-pitched delivery reared on Edlington and he could only top-edge a hook high into the sky towards Bartle. If Nugget looks ill with his current haircut, his face, as he realised that he might actually have to catch the ball, was unreal. Surprisingly he did. Edlington caught Bartle, bowled Oh – implausible.

The surreal nature of the game increased with the very next ball of the game when Oh bowled M. Jones for 4 (the batsman had crossed while the previous ball was in the air.) UEA were reeling at this point at 100 for 8.

Recognising the implausible nature of the game thus far, Harrison decided to push all the boundaries of reality, allowing Joe Harris and Dan Hawkes to bowl the final two overs.

With his Warne-inspired leg-spin, Harris proved a real menace; when he pitched the ball on the square that is. One such occasion, however, saw Nash hit the ball straight up in the air to Bartle who took an amazing second catch, or should that be amazingly took a second catch?

Not content with his bowling exploits, Harris turned coach in the following over, the last of the allotted twenty, explaining to Hawkes exactly where he could bowl from:

Harris: ‘Dan, you can go up to that white line you know’

Hawkes: ‘It’s fione, I don’t trust moi feet.’

Slinging the ball down in true Malinga style, Hawkes was a revelation with the ball and was unlucky not to take a wicket. And I’m now bored of writing this report so I’m going to stop.

UEA finished on 122 for 9; a comfortable victory.