Not the MCC v London Erratics, 10 May 2009

After a week fretting over whether the BBC knew anything about meteorology, Not the MCC took to the field against the London Erratics on a fine day for the first game of the season. The opposition, already an unknown quantity, were made all the more unknowable for their initial lack of players. Club man points (more on them later) were awarded to Standage and Penny for fielding for the opposition early on.

Openers Regis and Boot made decent starts, though the evil laughter of the pitch gremlins (and Jobbers) could be heard when Boot was hit in the face by a vicious ball which reared up off a length. The redoubtable Boot continued his innings, fat lip and all, resolving never to play another forward defensive ever again. Regis, who had looked in decent touch, was another victim of the pitch in the following over, clean bowled by a deadly fast pea-roller.

This brought surprise number 3 and NTMCC debutant Alex Marsh to the crease. Marsh promptly leaned back to his first ball and marmalised it through midwicket for 4. Marsh continued to justify his late call-up (club man point off Whiting for a no-show) for the next over or so, timing the ball with Bradman-esque ease. Unfortunately he was also bowled, attempting to hammer the ball away through the offside. Jobling’s six minutes at the crease were fairly unmemorable, though one especially delicate dab went unseen by a cruel umpire who awarded wides rather than runs.

After Jobling’s dismissal with the score on 42, Muttukumaru entered the fray with Boot. With the bounce still unreliable, the batsmen never looked entirely comfortable but the score was moved onto 87 before Boot holed out at long on for 38. Penny joined the skipper at the crease and immediately set about upping the pace, keenly calling for singles and looking generally rather excited. As so often with ‘The Pitbull’, his early enthusiasm soon gave way to a darker, more sullen mood. As it happened, Umpire Regis soon sent the Star Fielder packing, dodgy temperament and all, lbw for 12.

Fifteen minutes before lunch and with Beacham’s stomach making more noise than the man himself had all day, Williams entered the fray. Taking the captain’s advice, Williams immediately started planting his foot around halfway down the wicket, looking perfectly at ease with his surroundings. That was until the intervention of Alex ‘Malcolm’ Marsh, who gave an ever-so-slightly-dodgy caught behind one over before lunch.

At lunch, NTMCC were sitting happily on 149 for 6 with the captain not out on 69 and Standage having just arrived. Olly Malcolm sensibly suggested that after the break, 30 runs might be added “at your own pace”, followed by “a little bit of fun” (that is a Jon Seed quote, though I think the context was different). Anyway, all bets were off as Standage ripped into the Erratics’ bowling, clubbing 5 huge sixes through the leg side in a quickfire innings of 38.

Muttukumaru and Beckman added more runs at a reasonably good pace, Beckman sending some booming drives through the previously underemployed offside. Seeing Muttukumaru nearing a century, the Erratics launched their secret weapon, the previously unknown “Shawn”. After reluctantly removing his sunglasses, the Guns from Grenada announced that he was going to bowl “some spin”. Yes, spin. Delivering the ball at upwards of 4,000km/h, the ball didn’t really have a chance to spin, but he was probably giving it a good rip anyway, just for good measure. Anyway, things were looking up after 1 (legal) ball, with the score having advanced by 13 (8 wides, 5 runs… 4 of which were overthrows owing to the bowler). The second ball turned out to be a bit of a killer though, pitching short but bouncing not really at all; Standage left with little option but to send the captain on his way for 99.

With Beacham protecting his average (3 not out), Malcolm and Beckman were left to slap the ball around a bit, Beckman dismissed for a useful 18 and Malcolm for a cavalier duck. Finishing on a score of 270 all out, Not the MCC could be rightly proud of a very decent first batting performance of the season on a challenging pitch.

As the Erratics opted for a safety-first approach in the six overs before tea, Malcolm and Beacham hurtled in with all the enthusiasm of Hamer Boot at a quiche convention. Neither was able to achieve a breakthrough but runs were restricted and Beacham struck with two wickets in the first over after tea. Malcolm, bowling with considerable discipline, was generally fairly unlucky, having a couple of catches dropped, one at slip and one in the covers (Boot partially redeemed himself with a good catch off Beacham).

Beacham picked up another wicket with the score on 13 and Malcolm soon reduced the opposition to 26 for 4 with a full delivery to bowl the Erratics’ top scorer Eltringham. Key bowlers Jonathan ‘Bananaman’ Beckman and James Williams came on after the openers’ 16 over opening burst, London Erratics sitting at 26-4.

Malcolm immediately (and slightly fearfully) confided in the captain that No.6 “Shawn” was a “******* good batsman, because that ball swung in like a [Jabaz!]”. However, any early fears proved unfounded after ‘Spud’ Standage confirmed that he was sharper than anyone else, stumping Shawn for a duck off the Beckmanator. Beckman struck again shortly afterwards, leaving the opposition reeling at 27 for 6. Williams and Beckman showed no signs of mercy, taking another wicket apiece in a quite devastating spell.

At 30-8, the Erratics quite sensibly battened down the hatches and looked to just survive for a draw. A very decent partnership of 17 was formed between captain James Rivington and Alvis. Meanwhile Clayton ‘The Death Bowler’ Penny, picking up nicknames faster than the Fickle Guns, was joined by W Jabaz for a spot of bowling. Both put in very decent shifts, restricting the scoring opportunities and looking generally menacing. Regrettably, neither was able to capture a wicket and with overs running out, strike bowlers Williams, Malcolm and Beacham were recalled. It was indeed the heroic, quiche-powered Beacham who took two wickets in two balls to end the innings.

All in all, a very satisfying game. The ground fielding was very decent, Alex ‘The Thames Barrier’ Marsh doing some sterling work in the square leg position and Spud very tidy behind the stumps. A particularly decent performance from all the bowlers. Malcolm will undoubtedly bowl better-rewarded spells, but man of the match goes to Dave Beacham, who took 5-18 as the opposition finished 47 all out, Not the MCC winning by a pleasantly surprising 223 runs.

Special mention also to the new scorers, C Hemings and J Gilbert, who kindly agreed to do the scoring while we were in the field. Though it wasn’t strictly within their remit, they also did quite a good job of distracting the Grenadan international. There will be a ‘Supporter of the Year’ trophy awarded at the annual dinner (details TBA), so these two put themselves at the head of the queue. Thanks again.

Club Man Points

Beacham: 2 (scoring)

Beckman: 1 (umpiring)

Boot: 3 (scoring, umpiring, complimenting the teas)

Jobling: 0 (plus 1 for bringing drinks, minus 1 for watching the football)

Malcolm: 1 (complimenting the teas)

Marsh: -1 (suspect umpiring)

Penny: 2 (fielding for opposition, complimenting the teas)

Regis: 1 (umpiring)

Standage: 1 (fielding for opposition)

Whiting: -1 (late withdrawal from team)

Williams: 1 (umpiring)

Fantasy Cricket Points: 20 for a wicket, 1 for a run, 5 for a catch, 10 for a stumping, -10 for a duck

Regis: 7

Boot: 43

Marsh: 7

Jobling: -10

Muttukumaru: 99

Penny: 12

Williams: 24

Standage: 53

Beckman: 78

Malcolm:10

Beacham: 108

Supporters Points

C Hemings: 4 (attending both innings, scoring, distracting opposition's best player)

J Gilbert: 4 (attending both innings, scoring, distracting opposition's best player)