I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling as an array of thoughts rush through my head making it difficult to sleep. My mind has been full of various thoughts and figures ever since I said goodbye to Sophie. Her family thought that inpatient treatment would be the best route for her to overcome her Anorexia Nervosa. Personally, I think she’s insane. If I were Sophie; I would never tell my parents. No way I’d give up what she has. I’ve been dieting for years only to break it due to the delicious and alluring aroma of a freshly baked veggie pizza. If I had the will-power to go days at a time without consuming any calories; I would never try to give that up.
Sophie is flawless. She’s a dancer, she’s thin, and beautiful. Granted, she’s not as fun as she used to be before she became obsessed with losing weight. Guys turn their heads filled with desire and longing when Sophie passes by. Girls turn their heads filled with envy. Everything about her is superior to me and our other friends. At lunch, she sits upright with her perfect posture and looks down her nose at us in disgust as we chow down on the cafeteria’s “mystery meat” of the day. “How do you do it?” we all ask in admiration. She always gives us strange answers like “I don’t do anything. I can’t help it.” “Aren’t you hungry?” I asked once. “Kaylee…” she would say shaking her head while she looked at me warily as if I had just asked what two plus two was. “I’m always hungry… I’m just too hungry to eat.”
I swivel to my left to sleep on a different side thinking hard about what that could possibly mean. I glance at my alarm-clock; 12:06 am. I let out a heavy sigh, take a deep breath, and start to close my eyes.
I wake to my new favorite song “Courage” by Superchick the next morning. I slowly rise out of bed rubbing my eyes gently. Something was different though. I feel different. I feel light, kind of dizzy, and extremely cold despite the wool sweatshirt and sweatpants I was wearing. I run to my full-length mirror out of curiosity. My hand flies over my mouth in shock. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I was thin. I looked myself up and down . My hipbones are sharp enough to cut through steal. I can count each individual rib that pokes through my pale flesh. I look down at my legs. The morning sun that poured through my blinds shone through the vast space in between my thighs. I turn around so that my back is facing the mirror, look over my shoulder, and examine the boney spine that is covered by what was left of my skin. Something else was different though; my once thick and beautiful dark hair that everybody raved about is thinner, shorter, limp, and almost dead looking. My once bright white teeth have a yellow tingve. I also have dark, long, thick hairs covering my arms. My face looks different too. My eyes are sunken and glazed over. My face has a gray tint to it. These certain features are not as flattering I’ll admit, but nothing some make-up can’t fix. At least I am thin; perfect. I look back at the mirror and something occurs to me. Between my pair of protruding hipbones is a little bit of extra skin to go along with the extra skin on my back and butt. I start to poke and prod at the extra fat on my body. I could be thinner, just a couple of pounds and I’ll be there. I suck in trying to see my body at it’s full potential. I smile to myself thinking that if I only eat a little less today than normal I could reach that. I start to get ready for school.
After washing up and throwing on sweatpants, a tank-top, a large T-shirt and a sweatshirt thinking that it would only be fair to myself and others to hide my body until it’s where I want it to be, I brush through my stringy, limp hair. I look down at the brush and it’s filled with more chunks of my hair. How could it still be falling out? Not wanting to be bald, I give up and go downstairs.
I pick up a note left on the kitchen table:
"Kaylee, had an early meeting. Have some breakfast and don’t miss the bus. Have a good day ".- Xoxo Mom
I go into the pantry for some Honey Nut Cheerios. As I reach out for the box a voice starts to yell at me. Don’t eat those! I look around perplexed. Nobody is in the house except for me. I start to reach for the box again. Stop! You don’t need those extra calories. I realize the voice is coming from my head. It sounds like my voice, only harsher, colder, and filled with disgust. With the time you save not eating breakfast you could walk to school. You need to burn the extra calories. You’re so lazy. The voice was right. I put the box of cereal back on the shelf, grab my book bag, and walk out the door.
I’m power walking down the street filled with a new-found confidence and determination. I feel strong. I feel empty. And it feels great. I don’t need to eat like everybody else. I’m stronger than that and because of this, I will be beautiful.
When I arrive at school, I look around at everyone trying to find my morning group of friends before homeroom. As I walk towards my locker the entire cheerleading team walks by. The voice in my head starts to talk again, it’s even harsher this time. Look at them, they are beautiful. They are thin. You will never look like that. You’re fat and you will never be good enough. I shake my head trying to silence the voice.
I reach my locker and across the hall I see Ryan, Rachel, Ben and Amanda. “Hey guys!” I say smiling. They look around at each other confused. There’s a long awkward silence.
“Hey Kaylee.” Ben finally says, a nervous smile on his face. I’m confused about the new tense atmosphere, but I keep talking anyway.
“So, what’s on the agenda for this weekend?” I ask cheerfully.
“Oh…” says Amanda shifting to one side awkwardly. “Well we’re going to a movie we didn’t think you would want to go with us though.”
I’m taken aback. Why wouldn’t I want to go with them? I hang out with them every weekend. “Why wouldn’t I want to go?” I ask.
Yet again everybody exchanges awkward glances. Rachel looks at me as if she’s truly concerned. “Kaylee, don’t take this the wrong way or anything. But you never want to hang out with us anymore.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask incredulously.
“You always have an excuse.” Says Ryan. “Either you ‘have to go to the gym’ or ‘you don’t feel well’ and you hardly ever sit with us at lunch anymore. Where do you even go?”
“I don’t—” I start to say.
“Listen Kaylee,” says Rachel. “You’re welcome to come.”
They’re lying says the voice in my head. They feel sorry for you. They don’t actually want you there. You embarrass them. I start to shake my head. “Never mind, you guys go ahead without me. I’ve got a lot of homework anyway.” Half of them looked dejected the other half rolled their eyes.
“Whatever Kaylee.” Rachel said leading the others away from me. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty as they all walked passed me.
The rest of the day was a large blur. I went to all my classes but it became increasingly harder throughout the day to pay attention. I was tired and just waiting for the day to end. I didn’t have the energy to do labs in chemistry, I was too out of it to participate in discussions in English, and the voice in my head got louder and louder; repeating Never good enough, Never good enough every time I received a paper or test with a failing grade on the front. When lunch came around I decided to get ahead on homework. Needless to say, I didn’t get very far.
When the end of the day came, I was relieved. I grabbed my things as quickly as I could and started on my way home. I’m extremely tired my legs are shaking as I may make my way home and my stomach is growling viscously the entire way. When I finally reach the house I pull out my key and walk in. “Mom?” I call. She doesn’t seem to be home from work yet. I feel faint. I use the little ounce of energy left within me to walk to the kitchen. I grab a bottle of water and open the pantry. I first open a packet of saltines and chew hungrily on them. You’re a slob the voice says. Look at how pathetic you are. Shoving food in your mouth like a genuine fatass. I ignore the voice and reach for a bag of chips. A cold, prickly, chill runs up my boney spine as I realize what I’m doing. The voice is screaming now, but I can’t stop. I run to the freezer for some vanilla ice cream. Without wasting time by putting it into a bowl, I grab a spoon and eat it right there out of the carton. You’ve ruined everything! The voice is sh
outing. All your hard work! Destroyed!
My stomach is in so much pain and I’m crying. I run to the bathroom with my uncomfortably full stomach and kneel down in front of the toilet. The bathroom tile beneath my weak knees is freezing. I take my two frail, boney pointer and middle finger and shove them down my throat as far as I can. At first, nothing happens. I try again and I feel the poison start to come up my throat. I press down farther and harder and the poison oozes up my throat and explodes into the toilet. A huge shudder shakes my entire frail body. I do the same thing again and again. Each time the bile falls into the toilet I feel even more relieved. When I’m done I collapse onto the cold floor, lying on my back I give out a large sigh. I feel immensely relieved and slightly euphoric even.
I get up slowly and the room starts to spin. I head towards my bedroom. When I reach my room I collapse on my bed headfirst and start to cry. Gut wrenching sobs escape me. I miss my friends, I want to do well in school, I miss my hair, I miss having fun. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to care. I want to eat. I want to be normal just like everyone else. It’s not fair.
All of a sudden a blast of loud music causes me to throw my head up. It’s my alarm clock playing yet again, “Courage” by Superchick. I turn to face the clock, 7:05 am. It must have all been a dream! I throw myself out of bed and run to my full-length mirror, my heart racing. I take a deep sigh of relief. My hair is long, shiny, and thick. My cheeks are rosy and my teeth are gleaming. I have curves in all the right places and I love it. My heartbeat starts to slow down and my breathing becomes more even as I listen to the song come to an end.
You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
And I start to cry again for Sophie. I want her to know that I’m here for her and I support her in any way that I can. I don’t want to see her hurt anymore. The last few lines of the song play…
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day
And my tears subside.