5AM.
My attempt at beauty sleep is awoken to my ear shattering alarm clock. Great.Another obnoxious and early bitch of a morning. I reach over with my eyes still squeezed shut,trying to keep any sneaking ray of light from burning my eyes. I smack down on my alarm clock right on the snooze button. And with one slap, I’ve got seven more minutes to strangle my blankets to my body and savor the longing to be a lazy bum. Butof course, life sucks, and I have to get to work on time. The economy just can’t stand one day for a personal excuse to get off work. Before I can even snag a happy thought, there goes the death machine with its BEEP BEEP BEEP. Wonderful. Time to cake on makeup and attempt to look even the slightest bit attractive.
5:07AM
I brace myself for takeoff from my warm cave I’ve made in the sheets. 1..2..3..I tell myself this every morning and usually end up throwing myself out of bed like a suicide bomber. But this morning my back hurts like hell. Its stiff, hard,and just plain old weird. Come to think of it, I feel weird all over. Eh, probably just from staying up so late last night watching re-runs of House. I realize I’m stalling, damn. I wish I had the balls to call in sick, but I can’t miss another second at that hell hole of a job. I’ve gotta at least open up my eyes…ugh.
5:10AM
Alright,1…2…3…”SQUEEEEEEEAK!”
Holy shit! What was that? My back didn’t even bend…and my pelvis just screeched like…like some kind of plastic rubbing plastic. I burst my eyes open and rip off the covers with my non moving fingers? Wait…why the hell can’tI move my elbows…and fingers!? I look down and see my body. It’s shiny, hard, tan plastic. PLASTIC!
5:13AM
My attempt at jumping out of bed turns into me falling down on the floor. But I don’t make that loud thud noise I would…it’s more of a knock. I attempt to stand up, but my knees are lifeless. I reach out my hands to my counter, and pull myself up off the floor. I feel woozy, my eyes are blurry and my body is aching. I count to three and glance up into the mirror. Long, fake blond strands of hair rollin curls down my back. My eyes are painted…there’s makeup pre-plastered onto them. My lips are plump and red, and I have no effing nostrils. This has got to be adream.
5:25AM
I slap myself, seemingly because that’s the only thing I can do with my non-moving fingers. WAKE UP MEL, WAKE THE FUCK UP! Nothing. I don’t even feel the slaps, I’m fake, I’m plastic, I’m falling, I’m blacking out…SHIT!
11:24AM
Things are blurry as I blink slowly, trying to open my eyes…if that’s even what they still are. My head hurts so bad...i must have hit the ground hard. Oh yeah..maybe that’s because I couldn’t even bend my legs on the way down, I just flopped over like a book. I sit up and curl my lips down at the noise of the squeak. I was praying that maybe I wouldn’t make any noise and be back to my own ugly self, but no. With my eyes still a little blurry, I crawl my way into my bathroom. I prop myself up against the side of the tub. Alright Mel, deep breaths.
11:32AM
I scan my body with my eyes, and discover that I am fully naked. Except for the painted on pink floral panties, of course. Usually, Ilook down to flat boobs and a big belly. Thunder thighs above my ankles, and at least four chins. Ok…I’m exaggerating a bit. But I’m still butt ugly. But this morning,My boobs are the size of melons, my waist is as skinny as my thighs used to be,and my legs reach over to the sink. Nope, I am definitely NOT Melanie this morning. On the side of my hideous underwear,letters spell out Malibu Barbie. Great. Out of all the dolls I’m Malibu Barbie. But that one small detail doesn’t even begin to cover my situation…I mean…I’m a fucking Doll!
1:00PM
After crawling over to the phone and checking the 4 obnoxious messages from my boss asking why I wasn’t at work. Adding “Were you finally too fat to get yourself out of bed Melanie? ITS TEN EFFING FEET TO GET INSIDE YOUR CAR AND DRIVE HERE.” What a lovely boss I have. After all those years of him being a complete jerk, I’m not calling him back. No, sorry boss, but you can suck it. And besides…what would I tell him? “Oh sorry boss I can’t drive because my knees don’t bend because I woke up as Malibu Barbie.” Yeah, good story Mel. He would totally understand….
2:00PM
For once in my life, I haven’t eaten something every ten minutes. But today I’m just not hungry. Which sucks because there’s a goddamn triple chocolate cake sitting in my fridge waiting to be eaten. But I don’t even know what’s inside me…if anything. I can’t just sit around all day in my perfect body though…I mean I just woke up as a supermodel! I mean, maybe people would notice if they saw me with my plastic face and fake hair…but come to think of it that’s exactly how half the women around here look. If anyone asks, I spent a hell of a lotof cash on my face and body….
2:30PM
I walk robotically over to my dressers, slide my hands into the handles, pullt em open, and then just look at my huge trash bag clothing. Mel, you idiot. A size 10 pair of jeans will NOT fit on a size 0 girl. Damn.
2:45PM
I rummage through my closet and try to find something remotely small that I could wear without it slipping right off. And that’s when I see it. That light pink, silk wrap Marc Jacobs dress my mother gave to me on my23rd birthday. She told me how much it cost, and then told me it was a size 3. She said I would never be able to wear it unless I lost half my weight. I cried that night. So hard I couldn’t breathe. Well mother, I’ll show you. I rip the dress off the hanger and with much difficulty manage to get it over my head and on my body. I look at myself in the mirror, and for once in my life, I don’t turn away.
3:00PM
After practicing walking like a semi-normal person in the mirror, I grab my keys and REI satchel and head to the door. My hands can’t even grip the metal knob, making it almost impossible to even get out of my own apartment. Finally I hear the click of the lock and push the door open. Alright Mel, make this day a good one.
3:10PM
I walk down the street like an idiot because of my leg problem…but maybe people will just assume I have some sort of disease or something. But I hardly even pay attention to that because right now, I’m being stared down by at least 10 Malibu Kens. Yummy. I get a rush every time I make eye contact, and it feels amazing…considering it’s the first time I have made eye contact with beautiful men. That’s when my worst nightmare comes true. A car blasting hip-hop music starts to slow down next tome…and I hear guys yelling. My heart starts to race and I try to walk faster, but I cant. And with each second the car full of horny men gets closer and closer. Shit…Mel….if they ask you anythi-“HEY BABY! YO YOU NEED A RIDE? DON’T WANT YOU TO TIRE OUT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE BODY BEFORE I GET TO IT!” My body weakens and my hear feels as ifit sunk down to my feet. I wish I could flip them off, but I cant. Just keep walking Mel, keep walking. But they don’t let up. My eyes blink fast and I feel like crying but no tears come out. I’m dry, completely dry inside. I never once look over at them, but they keep on driving slowly shouting things at me. Until finally I stop, look at them with more courage then Ihave ever had before, and scream FUCK OFF! And I watch as they finally drive away…laughing.
4:00PM
I walk by stores and boutiques and decide to take shelter from all this crap inside. I walk into a store called BLUE. Funny because everything is white…
4:10PM
I walk over to the crisp, 500 dollar dress rack and begin scanning them. My heart skips a beat when I hear a screeching valley girl “HAY CAN I HALP YEW?” And I turn around to exactly who I pictured. A tall, middle aged brunet girl who i swearing so much makeup I could vomit. She has more tacky lipstick on her teeth then on her lips. “I’m just looking,thanks.” And that’s when I realize that this was the first time anyone had said hello to me in a boutique. Every other time, I would get a glance that screamed what the hell is this ugly chick doing in my store. But now that I was hot, I was acknowledged. I felt a hole in my stomach. What is wrong with people.
5:00PM
I cant take it anymore. I Feel like I’m going to puke. I want to run but I cant. I want to scream but I don’twant anyone to see me. I need to get back inside. I need to cry…I wish I could.
5:20PM
The minute I open my door, I move as quick as I can to my bed, and flop down on it. Why? Why did this happen? I cant put my finger on it. It doesn’t make sense. I’m gorgeous, I should be loving my life right now. But I’m just not happy. And I finally realize, I would trade anything in the world to be Melanie again. Someone which I hated for so many years. I love her, with her imperfections. She is beautiful with her short brown hair and stubby legs. Then I realize I’m talking about myself; My own, beautiful self. I want to be me again, and I would trade my Barbie body for my imperfections any day.
10:32PM
I awake to a car horn outside my window. I rub my eyes and stretch far up high. I crack my knuckles and look over at the clock…wait a second. My knuckles just cracked…
10:33PM
I rip off my covers and scream when I see myself back to normal. I have never felt so much joy in my life. I jump out of bed and look into the mirror, its me, I'M BACK! And you know what? People can look and think what they think. Take it or leave it. But me? I’m taking i