A world that I have never really felt a part of is the world of disability. Im not sure if that’s really the right term, but for clarification, im talking about my hands. My alien- like, birth defected shapes attached from my wrist. I was born with three fingers on my left hand, and one on my right, along with several undeveloped fingers. After many surgeries I am left with 5 fingers in total now, one being a toe. I have lived with them for a little over 15 years now, and I am finally reflecting on how different I really am.
As I grew up I was constantly made fun of by my peers, called weird, and strange, and was often pointed at and laughed at. It was a hard thing to deal with as I was trying to learn life lessons and how to make friends. For a while I actually thought that there was something wrong with me because that what I heard from the people I saw the majority of my day. Now that I am older I understand that all kids are like this, afraid of new things and not liking them. Although I forgive the children from my kindergarten, I know that their words have affected me to this day, making me always have a large insecurity.
I feel as though my hands hold me back from my potential, that I could be a totally different person without them, more confident and personable because I would be just like everyone else, I wouldn’t be stared at or judged like I have been my whole life. For all I know I would have lived a different life if I had regular hands. I would have different friends, because I would have been accepted easier, or I may have stayed in Boston because the costly surgeries wouldn’t have happened and my dad wouldn’t have had to get another job. All of that would have shaped me into a different person.
But none of that happened. I am stuck never knowing what would have been, I am forced to live in the present. The world I live in now is a tough one, but I am used to it. At one point I learned that part of my recovery would just be to get used to myself. I had to get comfortable with myself before others can. I understand that people constantly judge me, and that crosses my mind a lot, but I still haven’t fully accepted myself either yet. I feel eyes on me and my hands wherever I go. While im out I feel that I have to be conscious who sees my hands. If I pass kids younger then me or even other teenagers, I usually put my hands into my pockets, or hide them under my sleeves just to avoid awkward glances and whispering voices.
I feel as though I should help others in my situation, because I know exactly what they are feeling. I feel as if I should break through my shy exterior for something good and make this world a little more welcoming.