There is something strange about seeing my life through the eyes of someone else in my own body. It is unnerving to experience life but only from behind a window without being able to do anything about it. I know it is human nature to want to be accepted by others, and the fear of being alone has consumed me. When this happened I lost who I was, the part of me that makes me unique. I stopped thinking for myself. I started to change my appearance for others in order to fit in, and I even chose friends who are artificial and shallow just so that I could be popular like them. Popularity had become my main goal in life. I then transformed into her.
She wakes up to the sound of her designer dog bouncing and yipping at the sight of a fly buzzing about the room. Still groggy from sleep, she does not realize the situation until the fly lands on her hand. A shriek escapes her lips as she dives under the 700 count Egyptian princess pink covers for protection. She cowers under the covers for three more minutes before venturing to her private bathroom where she slams the sliding glass doors. Inside the bathroom is a superficial girl’s dream, makeup covering three of the four walls from the floor to the ceiling complete with vanities for each wall. There is every makeup brand imaginable, ranging from Urban Decay to the latest designer brand exclusively for the rich and pampered. She walks up to the mirror that is occupying the only free space in the bathroom and begins to trash her perfect body. There is nothing seemingly wrong with her size 000 figure except her year long tan had begun to fade and that the nail polish on her thumb had chipped. She sticks out her stomach as far as it would go so that there would be something to pinch and call herself fat over. When there is nothing left to hate about her body, she moves onto her daily makeup ritual that consists of covering every single inch of her face in products that completely change her appearance. She now has pale pink pouty lips, brightly made up eyes and a hint of blush at the cheeks. Her hair had been permanently straightened a few weeks ago, but out of habit she plugs in her straightener and starts to straighten her hair. She complains that it is not straight enough, which is partially true since she would never accept her appearance, but at the moment her hair was so straight that it could not get wind blown not matter the wind strength. After many minutes of destroying her hair, she is finished. Turning to the mirror she observes her not-so-new transformation, makes a few more demeaning comments and goes back to her room to get dressed.
When she has returned to the room after being consumed by the need to be perfect, there are texts from her boyfriend and best friends. Both told her to meet them at the mall and that her boyfriend would take her. Not wanting to waste any time she skips to the large walk in closet at the end of her room. Inside is a large room filled with expensive shoes, even more expensive purses and various pieces of clothing. To the left of the entrance are shelving units filled with every pair imaginable of Uggs, basic high heels and a rainbow of colorful flip-flops. Across from where she stands are racks of clothing, mostly Juicy Couture sweat suits, So-Lows and tees with store names printed across the top. The clothing is all the same except that they are in different colors. There is not anything unique about them; they are all generically boring.
She dresses in a pair of black So-Lows with a white tee shirt and black mini Uggs. Beside the racks of clothing is a small table containing designer purses. She grabs the only pink bag and leaves the closet. Checking her phone there is another text from her boyfriend informing her that he was waiting outside. She hurries out her room and down the stairs to the front door where she shouts goodbye to her mother. There is no reply other than the sound of the TV, and taking that as an answer, she closes the door behind her. She hastily walks to her boyfriend’s car. No words are exchanged as she gets into his Mustang. The only acknowledgment she gets is a nod of the head before he drives away.
When they arrive at the mall and have finished parking, her boyfriend gives her a hello hug. He then sternly tells her that she can only go shopping for two hours otherwise there would be no ride home. She obediently nods her head before walking towards the mall where her friends are waiting. One may wonder why this girl is dating a boy as bossy and controlling as he is. The answer would be that he is popular. Though her boyfriend is the most popular, he is also the meanest. He does not physically abuse her, but his words hurt her more than hitting could. He always knows how to pin point her insecurities. He constantly taunts her by calling her fat and ugly, yet she does nothing to stop him. She fears that he would break up with her and then she would not be popular anymore, which was not an option. So she takes his abuse and pretends to love him. The only one who knows how she feels is her dog. Not even her two best friends can help her, though they would not be helpful since they are not exactly the smartest. Yet this does not bother her at all since she just wants to be popular, no matter the cost.
At the mall the three girls shop until they literally drop at the Starbucks. They each had spent well over one thousand dollars on clothes they would never wear or use, but they liked how they looked on their coat hanger frames. None of the girls speak for a few minutes before one comments on how ugly a girl looks. They continue criticizing random girls’ appearances before she realizes that she has to meet her boyfriend at the parking lot. She bids her friends fare well promising them that she would Skype when she got home. When she reaches the parking lot, her boyfriend is sitting on the hood of the car while listening to his Ipod and posing in front of a mirror. He quickly hides the mirror when he sees her coming and politely opens the car door for her. He then drives her home.
He drops her off at her tasteless mansion and then speeds off down the street. She lets herself in and makes sure no one is home before she runs upstairs. She drops her bags in a corner of her room and walks into the closet. She reaches into the back to pull out a black pencil skirt, a white frilled collar blouse, a black pinstriped vest and a pair of black booties. She quickly puts on the clothes, scrubs the makeup from her face, grabs a black slouch bag and races down the stairs to the garage. In the garage awaits her white convertible that she got as a present for her sixteenth birthday. She gets inside the car, puts on large sunglass that hide her face in case someone might see her, then pulls out of the garage and speeds down the street.
When she arrives at her destination she hides deeper within the comfort of the tan trench coat. She stealthily makes her way into the building praying that no one had seen her. When she is inside she takes off her sunglasses and inhales deeply. She then walks to the back of the building towards a dimly lit corner with an overstuffed chair. She looks around nervously before sitting down in the chair and pulling out a heavy bound book from her bag. She also takes a pair of red-rimed glasses and puts them on. Her fingertips trail the spines of the books around her before she starts to read. She is reading was War and Peace, which she has read many times, enough that the spine is cracked and the book is falling apart. Although she had read other books this was her favorite.
Anyone who looked at her as they passed by would not think the scene before them was strange. Anyone who knew the girl would be extremely taken aback because they would have never thought they would find her in a library. But the girl sitting in the chair reading the book is the real me. I never went away; I just hid myself so that others would like the other me, her. I promised myself that no matter what I turned into I would always keep one part of myself. I cannot image pretending to be someone else without my books since they have always been there for me. They never judged me and they are always a place for me to escape. They give me a world that is free from the shallow life that I led. I wish I could go back to the real me but if I did there would be no way for me to be popular. I realize that I choose to live my public life on the cover of a fashion magazine even though I can be as rich and fulfilling as my favorite novel. I keep the real me a secret so that I can be popular and still be her.