Sunday Family Humour 9th September

Divorce Letter

Thanks to Alex S.

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to

show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the

last straw.

Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new

hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new

nightie.

You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything

that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever

the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

PS: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand

together! Have a great life!

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good

woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining

and bitching.

Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that

came to mind was, 'You look just like a boy!'

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say

something nice, I didn't comment......and when

you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So

when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope that's not a problem.

Steve Jobs

Thanks to Blain S.

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash ....

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

Cab Calloway Jazz

Thanks to David M.

Walmart Job Interview

Thanks to Tony H.

Majella, a manager at a local Walmartstore, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Majella decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,

Majella asked, 'Tell me now, what is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Majella.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see . . A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is definitely the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Majella. 'The blink of an eye, yes, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well now ya see, out at my Dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. '

Majella was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It’s hard to beat the speed of light.' she murmered.

But then turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Majella posed the same question.

Old Wally sniffed, cleared his throat and replied, 'Well Ma'am, I've listened to the previous three answers, but it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!!'

‘WHAT!?' yelled Majella, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good. I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself ..'

Wally is now working at a Walmart near you!

Growing Old Disgracefully

Thanks to David H.

Les Voitures de Papa

Thanks to David H.

Jokes that can be told in Church

Thanks to Alex S.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school

after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about

all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how

Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl

whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color

of happiness,

and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running

as fast as she could,

trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,

please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped

on a curb and fell,

getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running

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