Sunday Family Humour 9th September


Divorce Letter

Thanks to Alex S.


My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to
show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
last straw.
Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new
hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new
nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

PS: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand
together! Have a great life!



REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was, 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say
something nice, I didn't comment......and when
you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it,  and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So
when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday,  I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home  you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.


Steve Jobs

Thanks to Blain S.


Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs 2


Steve Jobs 3


Steve Jobs 4


Steve Jobs 5


Steve Jobs 6

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash ....
Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.


Cab Calloway Jazz

Thanks to David M.



Cab Calloway Reefer man



Walmart Job Interview

Thanks to Tony H.

Majella, a manager at a local Walmartstore, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. 
Majella decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Majella asked, 'Tell me now, what is the fastest thing you know of?'
 
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.  There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Majella.
 
'And, now you sir?',  she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see . .  A blink!  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.  A BLINK is definitely the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Majella. 'The blink of an eye, yes, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
 
 
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.  'Well now ya see, out at my Dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. '
Majella was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It’s hard to beat the speed of light.' she murmered.
 
 
But then turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Majella posed the same question.
Old Wally sniffed, cleared his throat and replied, 'Well Ma'am, I've listened to the previous three answers, but it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!!'
‘WHAT!?' yelled Majella, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good.  I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself ..'
Wally is now working at a Walmart near you!



Growing Old Disgracefully

Thanks to David H.

Growing old 1


Growing Old 2


Growing Old 3


Growing Old 4


Growing Old 5

Growing Old 6


Growing Old 7


Growing Old 8


Growing Old 9


Growing Old 10


Growing Old 11


Growing Old 12


Growing Old 13


Les Voitures de Papa

Thanks to David H.


Les_voitures_de_Papa.pps




Jokes that can be told in Church

Thanks to Alex S.


Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to  Jerusalem..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough
right now...for all of us...
so we need something to make the day a happy
place.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
laughing yet.



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