Sunday Family Humour 10th June Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

THIS IS AFRICA

Thanks to Andre M

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town)

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential' said Jackie Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg ,

"but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment.

We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job.

When I asked him why, he replied:

'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'.

Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times.

"We had to let him go.

It seemed best all round.

I understand he is now working for Eskom."

2. The Star (Johannesburg)

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane.

"Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe.

We just don't know where it is, that's all."

Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship,

the Swazimar:

"We believe it is in a sea somewhere.

At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it,

and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit.

But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.

The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night.

Mark my words, it will turn up.

The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man,

and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya)

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport .

"A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world.

You people are not patriots.

You just want to cause trouble.

Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu,

via Jomo Kenyatta to Berlin.

"The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat.

Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty.

A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation,

but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.

Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck,

and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out.

When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu,

suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace.

I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight.

And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo,

the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers.

When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.

Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth was uncovered,

he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue.

Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital,

where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.

Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later

that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20.

As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them

and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

Unusual and Humorous Activism

Thanks to Andre M

Psychotic dolphin plays with woman diver

Thanks to Ray O'

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Bring Me Sunshine

Thanks to Ray M.

Live a Life That Matters

Thanks to Lee

Live a life that matters.pps

Pass the Cumbers

Thanks to John W

Oh my gosh, if all these things work, we'll have to keep cucumbers on hand.

How cool is this!!!

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus,

Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds?

Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden

pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the

phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite.

Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache?

Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?

Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!