Sunday Family Humour 8th July Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 8th July Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures and cartoons and humour for all the family
Why Teachers Retire Young
Thanks to Ray M.
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)........and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true).
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant).
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable).
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant).
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Pictures of Beautiful Birds
Thanks to David M.
Now This is a Ride
Thanks to Tony H.
In The Zoo
Thanks to Brian M.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased
he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,
he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job
which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage
because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says
"What's the food like here?"
The lions say:
"Absolutely brilliant,
today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
The Canary Islands
Thanks to Lee
Cartoons for Twisted People
Thanks to Cindy
SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
Thanks to Tony H.
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
