Sunday Family Humour 16th December Page 2

UK Tax Guidance

Thanks to Peter D.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another

'Economic Stimulus' payment..

This is indeed a very exciting program,

and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,

thus stimulating the economy..

Q.. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy

by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco,

the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ...

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ....

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ....

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares,

it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales,

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on

prostitutes,

4) Buying beer or whisky, or

5) Get yourself a Tattoo

6) Visit a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U..K. )

Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Santa Claus Boot Camp - Marines

Thanks to Butch

Incredible Dogs

Thanks to Unslave Me

The incredible dogs that have been taught how to DRIVE

The three stray dogs are being trained in specially modified carts to operate the car's controls

They will attempt to drive a real Mini next week, with their efforts being broadcast live online

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but now it seems that you can show them how to drive.

An animal welfare group in New Zealand has trained three dogs to get behind the wheel in an attempt to show the public how intelligent they are.

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals will put them to the test in a live broadcast next Monday.

Porter, a 10 month old beardie cross, is one of three dogs being trained to drive a specially converted Mini in a stunt for the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Monty, an 18 month old Giant Schnauzer cross in one of the specially built training cars built to get the dogs used to the controls of the specially modified mini.

Ginnie, a one year old Beardie Whippet Cross is the third driver in the group

The dogs have been trained over eight weeks in specially made wooden carts which they have been driving around inside an indoor test lab.

They then graduated to a modified Mini in which they sat on their haunches in the driver’s seat with their paws on the steering wheel.

Their feet go on extension levers which had been attached to the accelerator and the brake whilst their paw will rest on the gearstick.

Mark Vette, the animal trainer who is schooling the dogs, said in a preview of the show that they treated the training like a ‘film shoot’, in reference to his work in the movies.

He said: ‘We train the dogs to do different actions, touch is the first thing and then we teach them to touch the different objects with the right paw and left paw.

The dogs have already tested out the modified mini, and will attempt to drive it live online to raise awareness of the charity trying to rehome them

The dog's paw will rest on the gearstick which has been moved to allow them to access it easily

‘They’ve all come through at this point and they’re all going really well’.

The dogs that were chosen were Porter, a 10-month old Beardie Cross, Monty, an 18-month-old Schnauzer Cross, and Ginny, a one-year-old Beardie Whippet Cross.

All of them had been rescued by the SPCA.

The organisation hopes that the public will be so impressed with the animals that they will adopt them and others like them.

SPCA Auckland Chief executive Christine Kalin said: ‘I think sometimes people think because they're getting an animal that's been abandoned that somehow it's a second-class animal.

‘The dogs have achieved amazing things in eight short weeks of training, which really shows with the right environment just how much potential all dogs from the SPCA have as family pets.’

The three drivers - Porter, a 10-month old Beardie Cross, Monty, an 18-month-old Schnauzer Cross, and Ginny, a one-year-old Beardie Whippet Cross.

The controls of the mini the dogs will drive

Impersonators

Thanks to Tony H.

Impersonators.pps

Stress

Thanks to Frans

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description then look at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it .. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on a holiday.