Sunday Family Humour 25th November Page 2

Sunday Family Humour 25th November Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Modern Day Worries

Thanks to David H.

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on

the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.

IThanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes

seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring

me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to

Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors

ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's

beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity

read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY

Dog Bites

Thanks to Paul S.

Photos of Your Childhood

Thanks to Frans R.

Yougrowingup.pps

LAST TRIP TO THAT STORE

Thanks to Peter D.

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries,

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to our MP

about this running amok, overzealous, security crap,

I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided,

I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

None the less , I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Damn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors...

Men's Rules for Women

Thanks to Graham H.

Water and Your Health

Thanks to David M.

The following will probably amaze and startle you.

One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study:

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

(No kidding, all of the above are true....)

Of course, too much water may have strange side effects......

Don't get carried away!

Now that I have your attention, go get another glass of water! BUT BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL!!!

Meaningful Quotes

"The day we see truth and cease to speak is the day we begin to die." - Martin Luther King

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth." - Albert Einstein

"Many a man stumbles across the truth, then picks himself up and hurries on as though nothing had happened." - Winston Churchill

"As soon as we abandon our own reason, and are content to rely upon authority, there is no end to our troubles". - Bertrand Russell

"It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell

"Enlightenment is Ego's ultimate disappointment" Chogyam Trungpa

"All wars are civil wars because all men are brothers.

Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born." - François Fénelon

"To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant." - Amos Bronson Alcott

"Those who are unaware they are walking in darkness will never seek the light." Bruce Lee

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." - Alice Walker

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

"If you tremble with indignation at every injustice then you are a comrade of mine." - Ernesto Che Guevara

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The Hash House Harriers (abbreviated to HHH, H3, or referred to simply as Hashing)

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