Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Pictures of the Tower Bridge during construction found dumped in a skip.
This is one of the London 's most beloved landmarks as you've never seen her before.
Stripped down to her underwear, the never before seen pictures of the Tower Bridge
-- one of the world's most recognizable structures
-- have been unveiled after the stash of hundred-year-old prints were found in a skip.
Coinciding with the 125th anniversary of the bridge's foundation,
the 50 sepia photos reveal in incredible detail the ingenuity behind one of the
British capital's most popular tourist destinations, which was the first bridge of its kind in the world.
Never seen before:
The pictures of London 's Tower Bridge were found in a skip and then wrapped up in brown paper and put in a carrier bag under a bed.
The unique pictures, dating back to 1892, document the construction the iconic bridge,
which at the time was a landmark feat of engineering nicknamed ‘The Wonder Bridge’.
The discarded pictures, which were retrieved by a caretaker
who was looking after a building being turned into flats in 2006,
have spent the last five years in a carrier bag underneath his bed.
The 59 year-old, who wishes to remain anonymous,
said that after the occupants of the Westminster office building moved out,
the album and a number of documents were thrown into a skip outside.
He said: "I took the ledgers to the Tower Bridge Museum because I thought they might have some historical value.
Remarkable find: The prints reveal in incredible detail the ingenuity behind one of the British capital's
most popular tourist attractions and how it was put together
A view of the bridge:
The sturdy steel frame of the Tower Bridge can be seen,
before it was covered with its distinctive stone-cladding on the orders of architect John Wolfe-Barry
They included records of the materials and used in the bridge's construction and what they cost.
I told the man at the museum that I had also found some photos but he told me they already had plenty of those.
I didn't know what to do with them so I wrapped them in some brown paper and put them in a bag under the bed".
It wasn't until earlier this month, when the owner of the photos mentioned them to his neighbor,
City of Westminster tour guide Peter Berthoud that the significance of the find fully emerged.
Mr. Berthoud, an expert in the history of London who gives guided tours around famous landmarks including the Tower Bridge,
said that he was gob smacked by the haul.
The photographs show how the bridge was put together over eight years,
revealing why it was nicknamed at the time the ' Wonder Bridge '
The Tower Bridge remains one of the British capital's most iconic structures and a tourist attraction today,
125 years after building started
Sepia to silver screen:
The incomplete Tower Bridge features in the 2009 film Sherlock Holmes,
where Holmes battles with his adversary Lord Henry Blackwood
Contrary to popular misconception, the images reveal the bridge is a sturdy steel frame
beneath the instantly recognisable stone cladding.
Mr Berthoud said: "When my neighbor gave me a disk with the images on I just couldn't believe it.
I spent hours going through my books to see if these pictures were already around but I couldn't see them anywhere
-- they are unique.
Quite simply London 's Tower Bridge is the world's most iconic bridge
and it's the only bridge over the Thames which has never needed to be replaced at some point.
Peter Berthoud was gob smacked when his neighbour showed him the haul of photos.
He spent hours going through books to find something similar, only to discover they are unique
The bridge took eight years to build and at the time was a landmark feat of engineering,
combining elements of a suspension and high level bridge and a bascule
It combines elements of a suspension bridge, a high level bridge and a bascule which allows it to open for ships to pass.
Nothing had ever been made like it before and nothing since.
People are always surprised when I tell them that the Tower Bridge is a steel bridge, as the stone cladding is so recognizable".
According to the tour guide, the bridge's original architect, Horace Jones,
wanted to clad the bridge in brick but following his death he was succeeded as architect by John Wolfe-Barry,
who decreed the bridge should be clad in stone.
Photographs show the progress in the construction process,
from basic structures to something easily recognizable as the Tower Bridge as we know it today
Unique: Many of the 50 sepia prints are in good condition, despite dating back to 1892. Several are even dated, making it possible to trace the progress in construction
Although many of the century-old pictures are in a state of disrepair, around 20 are in good condition. Many of the 12 by 10 snaps are dated and clearly show how the bridge was put together over a space of eight years. Memorable scenes include turn-of-the-century laborers taking orders from a site foreman in a bowler hat and a shot of the bridge's original steam-powered engine room, which could open the bridge in less than a minute. In one poignant picture flags decorate the body of the bridge and a hand-written pencil note reads: ‘Note, flags denote Mr. Hunter's wedding day’.
Mr. Berthoud said: "My favorite pictures are of the simple, humble guys building the bridge, unaware that what they are making will be so historic. People are used to seeing images of the Empire State Building being built but this is part of British history being created 50 years earlier".
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Onboard India 's Most Expensive Train
It is considered to be the ultimate ride on rails. The Royale Indian Rail Tours offers one of the most
luxurious train journeys across India 's most beautiful locales. The Maharajas' Express is one of the six luxury trains in India that promises to offer the best in travel, traditional food and hospitality.
The fares for this luxurious travel range from Rs 212,000 ($4,725) for a single cabin to Rs 900,000 ($17,500) for the presidential suite for a 7-day trip on a 'classical journey'. The 'Classical India' tour (7 days/6 nights) starts fromDelhi and passes through Agra , Gwalior , Khajuraho, Bandhavgarh, Varanasi , and Lucknow , before returning to Delhi .
For a 'Princely India' trip (8 days/7 nights), it costs Rs 243,000 ($5,400) for single accommodation, Rs 321,000 ($7,140) for double occupancy and Rs 900,000 ($17,500) for the presidential suite. This particular trip starts from Mumbai and passes through Vadodara, Udaipur , Jodhpur , Bikaner , Jaipur, Ranthambore, Agra , and finally ends atNew Delhi .
The train criss-crosses through some of the most beautiful locales in the country offering a panoramic view ofIndia's countryside. The Royal India tour (8 days/7 nights) takes you from Delhi to Agra , Ranthambore, Jaipur, Bikaner , Jodhpur , Udaipur , Vadodara, before winding up at Mumbai.
The pan-India super luxury has a total of 23 coaches with a passenger capacity of 84. It has five deluxe cars each with four cabins, six junior suite cars with three cabins; two suite cars with two cabins each and finally the presidential suite that occupies an entire compartment. Every cabin has large panoramic windows, individual temperature controls, the first of its kind in India .
It also has LCD televisions, DVD players, direct dial telephone, electronic safe deposit box and internet facilities to make the journey an unforgettable experience.
The train is operated by Royale Indian Rail Tours Ltd (RIRTL), a joint venture between Cox and Kings ( India ) Ltd and Indian Railways Catering and Tourism Corporation (IRCTC).
A royal banquet for passengers, the Maharajas' Express has two fine dining restaurants that seat 42 persons at a time. Wine and beer are complimentary. A bar with the choicest collection of house wines also offers beer and spirits along with snacks that are complimentary for every passenger. There's also a lounge-cum-bar with comfortable club armchairs. The deluxe cabin is decked up in lavish style.
The Maharajas' Express also houses a high-end boutique, featuring exquisite and unique creations. The tour package includes guided train excursions at different places. The fare includes entrance fees at various sight seeing places, camera fee, transport and services of a guide, complimentary tea, coffee and mineral water on board and porterage at stations.
The Maharajas' Express is comprehensively insured for fire, earthquake, theft and terrorism. All guests are covered under an umbrella insurance cover.