Sunday Family Humour 17th June

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Village chemist shop

Thanks to Ray M.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

 "Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].

The word condom won’t even be used.

 The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"…

 The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

 " Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

 She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

 The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Excellent Photos

Thanks to Tony H.

Excellent photos.pps

World's Best Bartender

Thanks to Ray O'.

World's Best Bartender.flv


Thanks to Ray O'.

*    Pasta had not been invented.
*    Curry was an unknown entity.
*    Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
*    Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were
Used for embalming
*    Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
*    A Takeaway was a mathematical problem.
*    A Pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
*    Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
*    The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots, and
Cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.
*    All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put
The salt on or not.
*    Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if
We were lucky.
*    Soft drinks were called pop.
*    Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.
*    A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
*    Rice was a milk pudding, and never ever part of our dinner.
*    A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
*    A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.
*    Spaghetti was a small town in Bolognese.
*    A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
*    Brown bread was something only posh people ate.
*    Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
*    Bread and jam was a punishment.
*    Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
*    The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices
That we hear so much about today.
*    Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea etc. Was not British.
*    Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea.
*    Cubed sugar was regarded as a bit of an over kill.
*    Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
*    Sweets and confectionery were called toffees.
*    Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
*    Black puddings were mined in Bolton Lancashire.
*    Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
*    Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
*    Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
*    The starter was our main meal.
*    Soup was a main meal.
*    The menu consisted of what we were given and was set in stone
*    Only Heinz made beans, any others were impostors
*    Leftovers went in the dog.
*    Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
*    Sauce was either brown or red.
*    Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
*    Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
*    Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
*    Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.
*    For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.
*    Frozen food was called ice cream.
*    Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
*    Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
*    None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
*    Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
*    If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less (more for us).
*    Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
*    Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
*    Calories were mentioned but they had nothing at all to do with food.
*    The only criteria concerning the food that we ate were, did we
Like it and could we afford it.
*    People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy b*****ds.
*    Indian restaurants were only found in India.
*    A seven course meal had to last a week.
*    Brunch was not a meal.
*    Cheese only came in a hard lump.
*    If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato on the same sandwich we
Would have been certified.
*    A bun was a small cake back then.
*    A tart was a fruit filled pastry, not a lady of horizontal pleasure.
*    The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food
*    Eating outside was called a picnic.
*    Cooking outside was called camping.
*    Seaweed was not a recognised source of food.
*    Offal was only eaten when we could afford it.
*    Eggs only came fried or boiled.
*    Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
*    Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday, in fact in those
Days it was compulsory.
*    "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
*    Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
*    Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious that they
Would never catch on.
*    The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of
*    The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.
*    The world had not yet benefited from weird and wonderful things
like Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.
*    We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.
*    Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as
being white gold.
*    Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were just a rumour.
*    Most soft fruits were seasonal except perhaps at Christmas.
*    Prunes were medicinal.
*    Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was
called cattle feed.
*    Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
*    Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a
picture of a real one.
*    We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't
pronounce them, we couldn't spell
                them and we didn't know what they were.
*    We thought that Baguettes were a serious problem the French
needed to deal with.
*    Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.
*    Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it
and charging treble for it they would
                have become a laughing stock.
*    Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.
*    Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and botulism were
all called "Food poisoning."
*    The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the, fifties were "Elbows"

The Whale Show

Thanks to Lee.

Whale Show

Cartoons For Seniors

Thanks to David M.

cartoons 1

cartoons 2

cartoons 3

cartoons 4

cartoons 5

cartoons 6

cartoons 7

cartoons 8
cartoons 9

cartoons 10

cartoons 11

cartoons 12

cartoons 13

Perfect Husband

Thanks to David M.

  A group of men are in the locker room of a golf club. 
A cellular phone rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk,
everyone else in the room stops to listen.

             "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
             "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
             "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
             "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
             "How much?"
             "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
             "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jennie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

             "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want.

             "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
             "Bye! I love you, too."
             The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him with their mouths wide open.

             He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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